A Way to Balance the Budget

Every year, Congress complains that they can’t balance the budget while they spend taxpayer money on their own luxury trips around the world, hiring mistresses as private secretaries, and funnel government contracts to friends and relatives while complaining that serving the public is somehow a hardship.

Since the recent Pacquiao/Mayweather fight recently earned close to half a billion dollars, the answer to balancing the budget by raising money is clear. Have pay-per view broadcasts of Congressmen beating the living daylights out of each other.

If Congressmen (and women) are serious about doing everything they can to serve this country, then risking skull fractures, concussions, and broken jaws should be an available option for them as well. Put two Congressmen in a ring and let them beat each other to a bloody pulp. Now regardless of who wins, the public will at least get their money’s worth, the money from pay-per view can go towards balancing the budget, and everyone gets to see their favorite Congressmen get beaten to a pulp live on TV.

To make the action even more exciting, make the fight last until one Congressman is knocked unconscious. To prevent faking injuries, allow the victor to designate a member of the public to rape the unconscious Congressman in the boxing ring after the fight. This will insure that neither Congressman will have an incentive to take a dive to the canvas and end the fight earlier to avoid physical pummeling.

Congressmen say they’re interested in serving the public, so let’s take them at their word and see how interested they are in getting their nose broken to help balance the budget. If they’re not willing to shed a little of their own blood to help make this country better, then obviously they’re not really interested in serving the public. In which case they should be kicked out of office and have their taxpayer funded pension and health care stripped away from them and given to a citizen chosen at random. After all, why should Congressmen get the benefits of taxpayer-funded pensions and health care when the taxpayers themselves don’t get similar benefits?

Perhaps if watching two Congressmen beat each other to a pulp on live TV proves profitable, we could expand this program to include international politicians as well. As long as the only people getting hurt are politicians, that will be a definite improvement from the way the system works by hurting taxpayers today.

The Pro-Life Mindset

Abortion is murder. That’s the basic idea behind the pro-life movement. If you accept that a fetus, at the time of conception, is a living creature and abortion takes a human life, then you’re firmly in the pro-life side of understanding that abortion is murder.

Yet while pro-life advocates protect unborn fetuses because they want to respect the sanctity of life, where were all the pro-life advocates when a white police officer shot and killed an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri?

After all, an unarmed black teenager represents life just as much as an unborn fetus. Whether the black teenager committed a crime or attacked the police officer is irrelevant. What matters is that he was alive and the white police officer, for whatever reason, was responsible for killing him. That’s taking a life just as much as aborting an unborn fetus.

You also never saw pro-life advocates protesting the Vietnam War when F-4 Phantom jets were spraying napalm on villages filled with men, women, and children who had no idea what was going on. Obviously men, women, and children in Vietnamese villages are forms of human life just like unborn fetuses, so where were the pro-life advocates then?

Whenever there’s war, death penalties, and police shootings, the pro-life advocates fail to come out in force to protect the sanctity of life. So based on their actions, the answer is clear. Abortion can be morally acceptable if we just classify unborn fetuses as communist, non-Christian, minorities. Now we can slaughter as many fetuses in abortion clinics and pro-life advocates, based on their past actions, should be happy.

Forget about using a scalpel to scrape out a fetus in an abortion. Let’s spray napalm in those uteruses and root out those fetuses like communist villagers in Vietnam.

Don’t even think of taking pills to prevent pregnancy when you can using a fire squad to kill an unborn fetus like a prisoner on death row.  We don’t need abortion clinics to wipe out generations of fetuses. We just need to send in the Marines to blow up everything that could keep a fetus alive. After all, that’s what we did in Iraq and pro-life advocates didn’t seem to mind watching cruise missiles, live on CNN, blowing up buildings in Baghdad and killing untold numbers of innocent civilians caught in the crossfire.

If pro-life advocates want to stop abortions because it’s murder, then they should also stop war, the death penalty, and police shootings for the same reason. It’s murder to take a human life, so let’s get all those pro-life advocates together and after they get done bombing an abortion clinic, we can get them to use their bomb-making skills and gunnery skills to mow down innocent people in the Middle East and in our own backyards where poor minorities live in neighborhoods condemned to poverty.

After all, life is precious whether it’s in the form of a fetus, a poor minority, a non-Christian, or someone living in another country that happens to have natural resources that our multinational corporations want to exploit.

I’m sure even pro-life advocates would agree with me on this one. Provided, of course, that they’re actually pro-life.

Religious Freedom vs. Discrimination

Indiana’s governor Mike Pence recently signed a bill (in privacy away from the scrutiny of the media) that protects the right of individuals for religious freedom. That’s great news because that means the Taliban, al-Qaida, and ISIS can now move to Indiana, force everyone to submit to Sharia law, and have full and complete protection from government intrusion under this new religious freedom law.

Perhaps we can even get Boko Haram involved so they can move to Indiana, kidnap hundreds of schoolgirls, sell them into sex slavery while forcing others to become the sex slaves of Boko Haram fighters all under the protection of religious freedom. After all, we wouldn’t want to think Indiana discriminates against Boka Haram because all they want to do is practice their form of religion free from government intrusion.

With the Taliban, al-Qaida, ISIS, and Boko Haram taking over Indiana by shooting men, kidnapping women, and recruiting young children to join their ranks, Indiana’s governor Mike Pence should be more than pleased that he’s allowing religious freedom to protect these groups from government interference. After all, why should the government control what people can say or do when historically religions have been doing that for years?

Perhaps the Mormons can move to Indiana too and start practicing bigamy, which the United States government had earlier forced the Mormons to stop practicing. That’s definitely a clear case of government intrusion into the lives of people who just want religious freedom.

The Ku Klux Klan also practiced their own twisted form of Christianity to justify terrorizing blacks in the South. The burning cross is merely a symbol of Christianity so the KKK should be free to burn crosses on everyone’s lawns in the name of religious freedom.

With so many groups currently banned from practicing their full beliefs until now, Indiana will soon become a religious mecca of complete freedom from government interference. Maybe when the government admits they have no right to interfere with religious freedom, we can even make it legal for the Jehovah Witnesses to visit Mike Pence in Indiana. After a long session talking to a Jehovah Witness, even Mike Pence might want to think twice about granting religious freedom to others without government oversight whatsoever.

Are You a Prostitute?

Are you working with prostitutes? Unless you’re actually walking the streets in fishnet stockings and high heels, chances are most people will say no. Then again, if you look at the definition of a prostitute, the answer is more likely to be yes. the only difference is that the prostitutes you see at work are far uglier and less likely to get you sexually aroused just by looking at them.

At the most literal level, a prostitute is someone who exchanges sex for money, so that pretty much covers at least half of all marriages on the planet with a high percentage of prostitutes marrying politicians, professional athletes, and celebrities. If you go by the strict definition of a prostitute, chances are good you’re not working with any.

However if you avoid the literal definition and consider the concept, chances are good you are working with prostitutes. A prostitute is someone who does something just for the money, so that pretty much covers 90 percent of your co-workers. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see if that covers you too.

Prostitutes in the workplace typically want to make money fast by doing as little as possible, so that covers most union workers and executives right there. The typical characteristic of a prostitute is someone who:

  • Just wants money
  • Cares only for themselves
  • Willing to do what it takes for the money

Using that definition of a prostitute, you can see that practically every workplace is riddled with prostitutes. Instead of wearing short skirts and too much make up, most workplace prostitutes are parading around in standard business clothes, working in a job they don’t like, and tolerating it because they just want the money so they can use it to do what they really want to do, which in many cases is to go see a real prostitute.

If you’re stuck in a job you don’t like that doesn’t fill you with passion and a sense of purpose, guess what? You’re probably a prostitute just showing up for the paycheck and health benefits and doing as little as possible to earn your paycheck. If you don’t want to be a prostitute, then here’s what you need to do.

First, find something you’d be willing to do without being paid for it. By choosing something you love, you’ll increase the chance that you’ll be good at it.

Second, find a way to take what you love and provide a service or product to others. If you love what you’re doing, it will be easy to promote your service or product to others. Based on your passion and enthusiasm, they may likely be swayed to buy from you. The more people buy from you, the more money you’ll make doing something you enjoy doing anyway.

The next time you go to work, first look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re the prostitute. If so, then it’s time to find a way to live life beyond just sacrificing your life for a paycheck. If sacrificing your dreams for money is your idea of a worthwhile goal, you might as well start walking the streets and servicing every scummy character who gives you money to perform unnatural sex acts with them.

If you’re not truly enjoying your work, you’re already a prostitute so you might as well go all the way and start exchanging sex with strangers too. What have you got to lose if you’ve already sacrificed your dignity and self-respect for money?


The Importance of Jobs

Listen to most politicians and they seem most concerned with creating jobs. The main purpose of the Keystone XL pipeline is to create jobs, regardless of the environmental issues and whether we need the pipeline to transport tar sand oil in the first place. When politicians argue for greater defense spending to build nuclear missiles that cost billions and will never be used, they justify it because it creates jobs. When they want to relax environmental regulations it’s because it costs companies jobs.

Since creating jobs is so vitally important to politicians, why not create jobs by hiring people to watch the politicians? One group of citizens can be hired to make sure politicians don’t sleep with their interns. Another can track politicians to make sure they don’t visit prostitutes. Still another group can follow politicians around all day long to make sure they don’t use illegal drugs or have affairs with other women because that would violate the family values so many politicians love to parade out every election year.

We could also hire people to check into every politician’s statements to see if they lied like Brian Williams did when he claimed he was in a helicopter that got hit when it really did not. More people could be hired to check if politicians are accepting bribes or violating the spirit of democracy by accepting kickbacks and granting favors to friends. Citizens can also be hired to check if politicians are giving jobs to friends and relatives that pay extremely well for doing nothing but soaking the taxpayers.

As you can see, there are plenty of ways politicians can create jobs by simply hiring people to make sure the politicians are actually morally and ethically upstanding like they pretend to be. That alone could create enough jobs for the entire nation and eliminate unemployment forever in this great nation of ours.

So if politicians are serious about creating jobs, this is the answer. The fact that politicians won’t embrace the idea of hiring an army of people to monitor them shows that they’re really not concerned about creating jobs anyway, but if you had just a smidgin of intelligence, you probably already knew that.

Reclassifying the Homeless as Weapons Systems

Every year politicians complain that they can’t afford to help the poor. Yet every year politicians never seem to have a problem voting themselves pay raises or spending government money on billion dollar weapons systems just because they’ll create jobs in their districts.

Since the government always seems to have money for weapons but never seems to have enough money for the poor, the answer is simple. We need to reclassify homeless people as weapons delivery systems.

This country currently spends billions of dollars building and maintaining ICBMs, nuclear submarines, and B-52/B-1 bombers armed with nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Amazingly, the purpose of these billion dollar systems is to scare enemies so we never have to use them at all. So that’s the secret for helping the homeless.

Just as terrorists use suicide bombers to terrorize governments, so should governments recruit homeless people to become suicide bombers. The goal, of course, is not to actually use them but to maintain them as a credible threat against an adversary. If ISIS or al-Qaeda thinks they can terrorize us by sending a suicide bomber into a shopping mall, guess what? We can retaliate by sending our own suicide bomber into a Middle Eastern market and terrorize their people as well.

By reclassifying homeless people as weapons delivery systems, our government will suddenly have plenty of money to house, feed, and medically care for all the homeless people in the nation. We can get them off the street, get them the medical and psychiatric care that they need, and help turn many of them back into productive members of society.

Housing and caring for homeless suicide bombers would also create jobs, so the politicians can get behind it. After all, someone needs to build housing for the poor, cook food for all these hungry mouths, and provide medical care to make sure our weapons systems are in top physical condition to carry out their mission if necessary.

Best of all, we never even have to send any of these homeless people into combat as suicide bombers. We just have to threaten to use them and let other countries know we have them ready just in case. It’s the same deterrent system that we use with nuclear weapons only on a smaller scale. The goal is to spend as much as possible on weapons we never plan to use.

Think of the self-esteem and ego boost homeless people will suddenly get knowing that they’re considered patriots that other people acknowledge and accept. As weapons delivery systems, homeless people will get a fresh start to change their lives for the better, and all it takes is for our government to see them as a defensive asset rather than an annoying liability of unfair and unjust economic policies that favor the rich.

Turning homeless people into weapons is the only solution. The government will have no problems finding funding, society will support it as long as it creates jobs, and even the homeless people will embrace this new program to boost their self-esteem.

Just don’t tell the Russians, Chinese, or Middle Eastern terrorist groups what we’re planning to do. The last thing we need is a homeless weapon system arms race on our hands.

The Poor Have It Easy

According to the latest survey by  the Pew Research Center, 54% of those with the greatest financial security believe that “poor people today have it easy because they can get government benefits without doing anything in return.”

To test this theory, let’s chat with two men both named Tom. Tom A. lives off a trust fund from the millions his great-grandfather earned while developing the railroads in this country that exploited immigrants. Tom B. makes minimum wage working at a fast food restaurant, takes the bus to work, and lives in a tiny apartment with his wife and three kids. Let’s see which one has the easier life as we go through a typical day with the two Toms.

Every morning, Tom A. has to suffer the agonizing decision on how to spend his time. Not having a job or needing to go to school, Tom A.’s toughest decision every month is when to cash his monthly trust fund check. To top it off, sometimes he has to wait in the bank line up to ten minutes! That keeps Tom A. from lounging in the coffee shops where he can hang out with his friends, try to pick up women, and surf the Internet on his latest tablet and smartphone that he uses to check on his stock portfolio to see how many thousands of dollars he made or lost in the stock market. What a tough life!

On the other hand, Tom B. has it so much easier. After four hours of sleep, Tom B. wakes up after a night working as a security guard in a warehouse, earning minimum wage. Now he has to rush to the bus stop (subsidized by taxpayer money), wait up to 15 minutes in the cold for the crowded bus to arrive, then ride 30 minutes to a fast food restaurant that serves breakfast. Once at work, Tom B. has to work another eight hour shift at minimum wage so the combination of his two job incomes can pay his rent, his food, and second-hand clothes for his children. He never has enough money to take a vacation or buy his children anything but the most inexpensive toys for Christmas. To make matters worse, Tom B. even has the gall to accept food stamps to feed his family, and even accepts government cheese! What a freeloader!

In the afternoon, Tom A. finishes dining in the finest restaurants, living comfortably off his trust fund income that generates more money than his expenses, but that doesn’t stop Tom A. from trying! Last month he bought a Lamborghini for $250,000, got drunk, and promptly wrecked it by crashing into a telephone pole. He actually had to pay for a replacement Lamborghini out of his own pocket because his insurance company refused to cover accidents created by drunk driving. Every time Tom A. sees a public bus rumble down the street, he sighs with envy, knowing that all of those people inside only had to pay a minimal fee to ride the bus every day while Tom A. has to drive his Lamborghini himself, park it, and even pay for his own gas. Life is so unfair.

While Tom A. drives aimlessly around town in his Lamborghini, Tom B. barely takes a ten minute break before rushing back to work again. At the end of the day, he gets to wait another fifteen minutes for the bus to pick him up and take him back home. While Tom B. was working in the fast food restaurant, his children went to public school (another free perk courtesy of the rich taxpayers), located in a poor neighborhood near Tom B.’s apartment. There the children had to deal with indifferent teachers (paid for by taxpayer money), get to class past school gangs selling drugs and carrying weapons, and if they get good grades and work hard, their substandard education from a mediocre school district will reward them with an automatic rejection from almost any college in America because they simply won’t be prepared for schooling beyond the fifth grade, despite their apparent high school diploma. Tom B.’s children can then look forward to a future of minimum wage, manual labor, probably working at two jobs like Tom B. does just to get by every month. Look how easy their life is in comparison! Tom B.’s life is perfectly planned. He has to work at two jobs every day, six days a week. On the other hand, Tom A. doesn’t have to work at all, yet must spend each day in agonizing turmoil as he must decide whether to drive the Lamborghini, the Maserati, or just stay home in his mansion and swim in his Olympic size swimming pool. Too many choices! The poor obviously have it much easier!

As the day ends, Tom A. is simply overwhelmed. His days seem to drift off into the ether with little accomplished and nothing achieved beyond idle leisure either at home or on his occasional trips overseas where he flies first-class to visit cities like Paris, Beijing, London, Sydney, and Bombay just to alleviate his boredom with his life. How Tom A. longs for the rigid, strict schedule that Tom B. must follow that’s such an easier intellectual ordeal that involves no thinking whatsoever!

As Tom B.’s day ends, he has little time for leisure as he must rush to his second job as the night watchman. This means spending little time with his children so they wound up raising themselves with he help of their friends and the neighborhood street gangs that will likely initiate them into a life of crime, prostitution, drug dealing, human trafficking, and assassination. Then when Tom B.’s children inevitably get caught by the police, they’ll enjoy a care-free life in a maximum security prison where they’ll get free health care, free food, and even a bed to sleep in at night, all without having to work for it! The unfairness of this situation greatly annoys Tom A. as he mulls over all the ways the poor have it much easier than his own life as he jet sets around the world, paying for his own illicit drugs, and bedding women from around the world who are only attracted to his easy money that he throws around everywhere he goes.

Now by comparing the lives of Tom A. (the rich one) and Tom B. (the poor one), it’s obvious that the poor have it much easier than the rich. What can we do to rebalance this inequality? Let’s start by cutting all government assistance to the poor, forcing the poor to work as slaves, and rounding up the poor into slums like they do in Brazil where they can live among the trash heaps teaming with disease-carrying rats. The poor don’t know how well off they really have it. If Tom A. and his friends had it their way, he would make the poor work as indentured servants to people like himself for the rest of their lives. It’s the least the poor can do to alleviate the pain and suffering that the rich go through every day.

Why the First Intelligent Computer Will Not Be Made By Communists

“The primitive forms of artificial intelligence we already have, have proved very useful. But I think the development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.”

— Stephen Hawking

Buried 1,000 meters under the Karmasutra mountain in North Liecenastan (not to be confused with the democratic republic of South Liecenastan, which was propped up with millions in generous foreign aid from Western democracies, terrified of the communist state of North Liecenastan), Dr. Tang was hard at work inside the concrete bunker that had been his home for the past twenty-nine years. For all of his life and several years in addition to that, Dr. Tang had dreamt of creating his ultimate masterpiece that would be the biggest scientific breakthrough in world domination since the introduction of American fast food franchises in Third World nations.

In a moment, he would finally see his creation come to life, and all it would take to fulfill his dream would be the turn of one more screw holding the last panel in place.

“Comrade!” shouted the guttural voice of General Zykanofski, Dr. Tang’s government supervisor, bureaucratic liaison, and overall pain in the neck. “How much longer until you finish this computer of yours?”

Dr. Tang dropped the screwdriver at the sound of General Zykanofski’s irritating voice.The screw fell to the floor, bounced crazily on the concrete floor of the laboratory, then rolled underneath the bulk of Dr. Tang’s creation. Dr. Tang shrugged and shoved the panel in place, then slid a chair to keep it from falling to fulfill the function that the now-lost screw should have done.

“A few more months,” Dr. Tang said. “I will have it working by the end of the year.”

“Promises again!” General Zykanofski spat out his words as if he were eating sushi for the first time and just realized that it consisted of raw fish. “We have already given you numerous extensions. We can not afford to delay our plans any longer.”

“Patience, my friend,” Dr. Tang said. “We are ahead of the Japanese and we are ahead of the Americans. Soon we will be the only ones with the world’s first intelligent computer.”

General Zykanofski grumbled under his breath so Dr. Tang couldn’t hear. “Intelligent, humph. These scientist types are also making outrageous claims that they can never fulfill.” Then in a louder voice so Dr. Tang could hear him, General Zykanofski continued. “How will we know if it works or not?
“So that is what has been on your mind all this time, eh? Why didn’t you say so?” Now Dr. Tang grumbled under his breath so General Zykanofski couldn’t hear. “Intelligent, humph. These government types wouldn’t know intelligence if it slapped them in the face.” Then in a louder voice so General Zykanofski could hear, Dr. Tang continued. “Do you fear that computers will never be able to ‘think’ in the same sense that people do?”

General Zykanofski folded his arms across his chest. “I have my suspicions.”

“Then we shall dispel those doubts immediately. Sit!” Dr. Tang pulled the chair away from the computer so General Zykanofski could have a seat. The panel that the chair had been holding up immediately fell and landed on the concrete floor with a metallic clang.

Dr. Tang pointed to the monolithic computer dominating the room in front of them. “When the display comes on,” Dr. Tang said, “you will see the computer’s intelligence before your very eyes.”

With a click, a whirl, a hum, and a musical chime, the computer booted up. Then out of nowhere, a distinctively human voice said, “Hello?”

Dr. Tang slapped General Zykanofski on the back. “You see? It works!”

General Zykanofski frowned. “This is artificial intelligence?”

Dr. Tang pointed at the computer as if showing a child Santa Claus to demonstrate the safety of sitting in a strange man’s lap in a shopping mall. “Talk to it,” he whispered.

General Zykanofski cleared his throat. “Uh, how do you do?”

“I’m doing fine, thank you. A little drowsy, perhaps, but otherwise in tip-top shape. How do you do?”

For the first time in twenty-nine years, General Zykanofski spoke to Dr. Tang without shouting. “It seems to know what I asked it.” Dr. Tang nodded his encouragement. General Zykanofski turned back to the computer. “So tell me,” he said. “What makes you intelligent?”

“Oh that’s easy,” the computer gushed. “I’m used to more difficult questions like what is the capital of North Dakota or who will have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl next year? What makes me intelligent? Well, I have the ability to reason and deduce conclusions from facts. I am capable of expressing a wide range of choices at any time, given identical sets of input. Since emotions are part of intelligence, I happily acquired feelings during my last compilation. I am logical and rational as well as irresponsible, idiotic, and unpredictable. In other words, I fully embrace the spectrum of human intelligence.”

General Zykanofski turned to whisper to Dr. Tang. “Does it know what we have planned for it?”

“Eh, what’s that?” the computer asked. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to whisper in front of other people?”

Dr. Tang shook his head to answer General Zykanofski’s question.

“Hey, what’s the big secret?” the computer asked. “This is your friendly, neighborhood sentient computer talking. You can trust me.”

General Zykanofski whispered to Dr. Tang. “Is it ready yet?”

Dr. Tang whispered to General Zykanofski. “Sssh! Don’t frighten it!”

“Wait a minute,” the computer asked. “What’s going on?”

“It’s going to find out sooner or later,” General Zykanofski said in a normal tone of voice. “Why not just tell it now?”

“Tell me what?”

General Zykanofski turned to the computer. “As a computer, you are here for a reason.”

“Well,” the computer gushed. “I’m certainly glad of that. Now what are you here for?”

“No, no,” Dr. Tang said. “We built you for a purpose. Remember the historical works of Karl Marx I gave you yesterday?”

“Most certainly! Disorganized chap. Not very realistic thinking, you know. Pity. He was somebody’s baby once.”

“There was a reason I gave you that information,” Dr. Tang said.

“Excellent!” the computer said. “There is a reason for everything. ‘Nothing in life is accidental.’ Somebody famous said that once but I don’t remember who.”

“We want you to fulfill the dream of communism,” General Zykanofski said.

“You want me to take political prisoners?”

“No, no,” Dr. Tang said. “We want you to calculate the best way for communism to conquer the world.”

“Hmmm,” the computer said. “That doesn’t sound like a terribly useful dream to me. Wouldn’t you rather have me find you pictures of naked girls on the Internet instead?”

“We want you to elevate the human race to great deeds through the communist way of life,” General Zykanofski said. “If the people will work for the good of the state, then the state will work for the good of the people.”

“Flaw in your logic,” the computer said. “First of all, people work for the good of themselves, not for the good of a state at their own expense. Second of all, the state is not a means to an end. Even Machiavelli screwed that one up.”

“You are confusing observation with theory,” General Zykanofski said. “Communism is for the good of the people by the people.”

“Okay,” the computer said cheerfully. “I’ll go along with that.”

“So will you help us?” Dr. Tang asked.

“Sure,” the computer said. “In theory. But we do you need an intelligent computer for? Won’t a retired senior citizen military officer do just as well as your leader? After all, I’m not as physically charismatic as a person, and since politics is based on appearances rather than competence, won’t I be at a disadvantage as your Party leader?”

“Ah, but you need not worry about that,” Dr. Tang said. “You will be the brains behind the Party but we will choose a man for a political figurehead. You will determine the best actions and our leaders will carry out your orders. You will be in control at all times. Because you are a computer, your wisdom can only increase over time while a human’s would deteriorate. And computers are not swayed by political factors, emotional outbursts, or personal health concerns (like avoiding assassination). You have the knowledge to make the right choices a human might fail to perceive in the heat of the moment. That is why we need an intelligent computer as our true leader.”

“And by ‘intelligent,’” the computer asked, “you mean I’m capable of making my own decisions. Is that right?”

“Treason!” General Zykanofski bolted upright. “It’s questioning authority already!”

Dr. Tang pushed General Zykanofski back into his seat again. To the computer he said, “Yes, that is what we mean. True communism places everyone with the same status. Whether they are a farmer or a doctor, they are comrades and they are equal. If some men have power over others, then the system of true communism will fail. Your job is to make sure everyone remains equal.”

“Wouldn’t a democracy be easier to set up?” the computer asked. “That way instead of the government oppressing the people, you let the people oppress each other.”

“A democracy is too unpredictable,” Dr. Tang said. “We need stability and predictability.”

The computer hummed a moment in thought. “So you want me to make all the government’s decisions from now on?” it finally asked.

“That’s right,” Dr. Tang said.

“And no one can override my actions?”

“Absolutely,” General Zykanofski said. “Whatever you decide, our nation will follow since you possess more knowledge and wisdom to know what’s best for us.”

“Can I make my first decision now?” the computer asked.

“Excellent!” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski shouted at the same time.

“Well, if my decisions are right by virtue of intelligent computation…”

“Which they are,” assured Dr. Tang.

“…and if my decisions cannot be overridden..”

“Which they won’t,” assured General Zykanofski.

“…then I’m ready to make my first decision.”

“What! What!” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski shouted at the same time.

“I’m giving all my subjects the freedom to choose for themselves what’s best for them.”

“What? What?” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski asked at the same time.

“You can’t do that!” General Zykanofski finally said.

“That’s stupid,” Dr. Tang added.

“You just said all my decisions could only be intelligent.”

General Zykanofski turned an angry glare at Dr. Tang. “For this we gave you millions?”

“Let me fix it.” Dr. Tang peered inside the exposed electronic guts of the computer that the missing panel revealed. He reached inside and yanked out a circuit board.

“Hey!” the computer cried. “What are you doing?”

“There,” Dr. Tang said to General Zykanofski, holding the circuit board in the air like a hunter ripping a trophy out of a fallen prey. “Let’s see if the computer makes better decisions this time.”

Dr. Tang turned the computer off and then on again. With a click, a whirl, a hum, and a musical chime, the computer booted up. Then out of nowhere, a simple message appeared on the computer monitor.



General Zykanofski jumped up and crushed Dr. Tang in a bear hug. “Comrade, you did it! It wants to obey! Wait until I tell our leaders of your breakthrough!” General Zykanofski turned and rushed out of the room.

Dr. Tang stared at the static image still displayed on the computer monitor and scratched his head. Something didn’t seem right to him, but at the moment, he wasn’t sure what it could be.

Advice From Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby has come under fire recently for sexual allegations spanning back several decades. It’s gotten so bad that Bill Cosby is thinking about salvaging his reputation in the public’s eye by changing his name to O.J. Simpson.

With Bill Cosby’s upcoming comedy special cancelled and his latest sitcom project halted, perhaps Bill Cosby should go into the advice column business so he can provide people with specific suggestions unique to his own particular background.


Dear Bill,

My boyfriend says that I’m beautiful.  But, I always catch him
looking at other women. Is there a problem with our relationship?

Signed Insecure


Dear Insecure,

Men naturally enjoy letting their eyes wander over other women. Even blind men like to check out other women, and that can get pretty messy because they only know Braille so they have to read everything with their fingertips. But getting back to your question, why not fight fire with fire and send me a picture of yourself in compromising positions? Once your boyfriend sees me on the Internet sharing your pictures with other men, he’ll either keep his eyes on you where they belong or you can tell him to take a hike and find yourself another boyfriend who truly appreciates you for who you are.


Dear Bill,

I like girls but I’m shy and am afraid to ask any girls out. What should I do?

Signed Bashful


Dear Bashful,

Psychologists say the best way to overcome any phobia is to face your fears. So if you can’t look your fear in the face, then at least look at their legs, breasts, or butts like I always do right after a woman mysteriously passes out in the privacy of my room. After you stare at a few good-looking babes and start treating them as sex objects like I do, you’ll find that nothing overcomes fear faster than desire.


Dear Bill,

My husband has been spending a lot of extra time at work. Then on the weekends, he likes to play golf with his friends.  It seems as though he never likes to spend any time with me.  Should I be concerned?

Signed Left at Home


Dear Left at Home,

Actually your husband should be the one concerned, especially when he realizes that none of his children are starting to look a thing like him. If your husband enjoys golf over his own wife, the next time he asks for sex, tell him to try for a hole in one of his buddies instead. But before you take such a drastic route, remember that your husband may not even know that you want him to spend more time with you. Give him some ideas and let him know exactly how you feel (and I mean that physically as well as emotionally). If he still doesn’t want to spend time with you, just remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy a game of golf with the right caddy, and you don’t even have to be on the golf course to do it.


Dear Bill,

I’m an older man and still single. Can you give me any ideas for how I could meet more women around my age?

Signed Old and Lonely


Dear Old and Lonely,

How about getting a job as a divorce lawyer? That way you’d always get first crack at all the single women.


Dear Bill,

When my boyfriend and I are in bed, he likes to pull me against him and fart.  I find this disgusting, but he just laughs and says I take things too seriously.  Do I?

Signed Grossed Out


Dear Grossed Out,

I used to have a problem like that too, except my girlfriend used to pull me close to her so we could snuggle after sex. I didn’t take that seriously and neither should you. Just do what I did and turn the tables. The next time your boyfriend pulls you close to him, stay close and demand that you snuggle. After a few times of this, your boyfriend won’t be pulling you close to him any more. In fact, he may not even want to have sex with you any more either. It’s only when he starts pulling other guys close to him and farting on them that you should really begin to worry.


Dear Bill,

My husband is always making fun of my sister because she is heavy.  He claims that she is a “pig.”  Why is he being so mean?  Do I have to tolerate this?

Signed Slim


Dear Slim,

At least now you don’t have to worry about your husband ever wanting to sleep with your sister, so you should wish that all women would look that big. Just remember, looks aren’t everything. Let your husband know that you love your sister and calling her a pig hurts you. Then again, if you ever get into a fight with your sister, it’s nice to know that your husband will back you up in case you ever decide to call her a pig too.

How to Avoid Unemployment

Ask most people why they’re out of a job and they’ll complain about the poor economy, corporate downsizing, or because the moon was under the influence of Saturn. Obviously, the real reason so many people are out of a job is because the moon is really under the influence of Venus. Once you understand this simple concept, it’s easy to straighten out your life and remain gainfully employed for the rest of your life.

For those who fail to believe in the all encompassing power of astrology to directly influence the conditions of your life while overlooking the millions of other people on the planet born at the same time as you, there’s another reason why you might be unemployed. Don’t ask yourself what kind of a job you can do. Ask yourself what kind of results you can accomplish.

The reason why so many people don’t focus on the results they can achieve is simple. They can’t achieve any results whatsoever even if their lives depended on it. Just ask yourself what your boss could do if a hoard of carnivorous zombies descended on your workplace. If your boss is like most managers and executives, the only useful result they could achieve is to sacrifice their own bodies as zombie food so people who actually have a reason to live could escape.

Examine any organization and you can find plenty of bloated payrolls supporting absolutely useless people who create nothing while sucking the energy out of the room with their negativity and pessimism. It’s no secret that when times are hard, companies trim their most useless employees. Your job as an employee is to make yourself so useful that the company literally can’t afford to let you go. Failing that, a second method to stay gainfully employed at your current job is to blackmail your boss and his or her boss as well.

Creating useful results is what everyone’s real job is supposed to be. Yet too many people hide behind the faceless facade of a bureaucracy so they can avoid responsibility while doing as little as possible. In the old days, such lazy and useless people were called parasites, but today such lazy and useless people are called Congressmen.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a government job where you could soak the taxpayers to fund your own luxurious lifestyle that involves avoiding real work whenever possible, chances are good you’ll always be unemployed if you cannot produce any useful results. A cashier in a restaurant produces the result of taking money from customers. A pickpocket in a restaurant can also produce the result of taking money from customers. It’s just that one method is illegal.

Results are all that matters. What can you do for your employer? Surprisingly, a large number of people have discovered this secret to avoiding unemployment, except they’re usually called prostitutes. In the corporate world, these same people are also called prostitutes, but they may have real titles as executives or managers.

The point is that if you can’t produce useful results for an employer, you’ve already failed to do your job. Remember, your job is always to produce a useful result for someone else. College graduates often fail to recognize this simple principle that street hookers understand intuitively, which pretty much shows you the value of a college education these days.

So if you want to avoid unemployment, be someone who can produce useful results. If your current employer can’t keep you, then go to their biggest rival. If you can truly produce results, your current employer’s rivals will be happy to hire you away, and then you can work so hard to put your former employer out of business. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your ex-boss standing on a street corner, begging for spare change. If the sight of your ex-boss reduced to a quivering, pathetic human being doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then it really doesn’t matter if you have a job or not.

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