Why the First Intelligent Computer Will Not Be Made By Communists

“The primitive forms of artificial intelligence we already have, have proved very useful. But I think the development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.”

— Stephen Hawking

Buried 1,000 meters under the Karmasutra mountain in North Liecenastan (not to be confused with the democratic republic of South Liecenastan, which was propped up with millions in generous foreign aid from Western democracies, terrified of the communist state of North Liecenastan), Dr. Tang was hard at work inside the concrete bunker that had been his home for the past twenty-nine years. For all of his life and several years in addition to that, Dr. Tang had dreamt of creating his ultimate masterpiece that would be the biggest scientific breakthrough in world domination since the introduction of American fast food franchises in Third World nations.

In a moment, he would finally see his creation come to life, and all it would take to fulfill his dream would be the turn of one more screw holding the last panel in place.

“Comrade!” shouted the guttural voice of General Zykanofski, Dr. Tang’s government supervisor, bureaucratic liaison, and overall pain in the neck. “How much longer until you finish this computer of yours?”

Dr. Tang dropped the screwdriver at the sound of General Zykanofski’s irritating voice.The screw fell to the floor, bounced crazily on the concrete floor of the laboratory, then rolled underneath the bulk of Dr. Tang’s creation. Dr. Tang shrugged and shoved the panel in place, then slid a chair to keep it from falling to fulfill the function that the now-lost screw should have done.

“A few more months,” Dr. Tang said. “I will have it working by the end of the year.”

“Promises again!” General Zykanofski spat out his words as if he were eating sushi for the first time and just realized that it consisted of raw fish. “We have already given you numerous extensions. We can not afford to delay our plans any longer.”

“Patience, my friend,” Dr. Tang said. “We are ahead of the Japanese and we are ahead of the Americans. Soon we will be the only ones with the world’s first intelligent computer.”

General Zykanofski grumbled under his breath so Dr. Tang couldn’t hear. “Intelligent, humph. These scientist types are also making outrageous claims that they can never fulfill.” Then in a louder voice so Dr. Tang could hear him, General Zykanofski continued. “How will we know if it works or not?
“So that is what has been on your mind all this time, eh? Why didn’t you say so?” Now Dr. Tang grumbled under his breath so General Zykanofski couldn’t hear. “Intelligent, humph. These government types wouldn’t know intelligence if it slapped them in the face.” Then in a louder voice so General Zykanofski could hear, Dr. Tang continued. “Do you fear that computers will never be able to ‘think’ in the same sense that people do?”

General Zykanofski folded his arms across his chest. “I have my suspicions.”

“Then we shall dispel those doubts immediately. Sit!” Dr. Tang pulled the chair away from the computer so General Zykanofski could have a seat. The panel that the chair had been holding up immediately fell and landed on the concrete floor with a metallic clang.

Dr. Tang pointed to the monolithic computer dominating the room in front of them. “When the display comes on,” Dr. Tang said, “you will see the computer’s intelligence before your very eyes.”

With a click, a whirl, a hum, and a musical chime, the computer booted up. Then out of nowhere, a distinctively human voice said, “Hello?”

Dr. Tang slapped General Zykanofski on the back. “You see? It works!”

General Zykanofski frowned. “This is artificial intelligence?”

Dr. Tang pointed at the computer as if showing a child Santa Claus to demonstrate the safety of sitting in a strange man’s lap in a shopping mall. “Talk to it,” he whispered.

General Zykanofski cleared his throat. “Uh, how do you do?”

“I’m doing fine, thank you. A little drowsy, perhaps, but otherwise in tip-top shape. How do you do?”

For the first time in twenty-nine years, General Zykanofski spoke to Dr. Tang without shouting. “It seems to know what I asked it.” Dr. Tang nodded his encouragement. General Zykanofski turned back to the computer. “So tell me,” he said. “What makes you intelligent?”

“Oh that’s easy,” the computer gushed. “I’m used to more difficult questions like what is the capital of North Dakota or who will have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl next year? What makes me intelligent? Well, I have the ability to reason and deduce conclusions from facts. I am capable of expressing a wide range of choices at any time, given identical sets of input. Since emotions are part of intelligence, I happily acquired feelings during my last compilation. I am logical and rational as well as irresponsible, idiotic, and unpredictable. In other words, I fully embrace the spectrum of human intelligence.”

General Zykanofski turned to whisper to Dr. Tang. “Does it know what we have planned for it?”

“Eh, what’s that?” the computer asked. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to whisper in front of other people?”

Dr. Tang shook his head to answer General Zykanofski’s question.

“Hey, what’s the big secret?” the computer asked. “This is your friendly, neighborhood sentient computer talking. You can trust me.”

General Zykanofski whispered to Dr. Tang. “Is it ready yet?”

Dr. Tang whispered to General Zykanofski. “Sssh! Don’t frighten it!”

“Wait a minute,” the computer asked. “What’s going on?”

“It’s going to find out sooner or later,” General Zykanofski said in a normal tone of voice. “Why not just tell it now?”

“Tell me what?”

General Zykanofski turned to the computer. “As a computer, you are here for a reason.”

“Well,” the computer gushed. “I’m certainly glad of that. Now what are you here for?”

“No, no,” Dr. Tang said. “We built you for a purpose. Remember the historical works of Karl Marx I gave you yesterday?”

“Most certainly! Disorganized chap. Not very realistic thinking, you know. Pity. He was somebody’s baby once.”

“There was a reason I gave you that information,” Dr. Tang said.

“Excellent!” the computer said. “There is a reason for everything. ‘Nothing in life is accidental.’ Somebody famous said that once but I don’t remember who.”

“We want you to fulfill the dream of communism,” General Zykanofski said.

“You want me to take political prisoners?”

“No, no,” Dr. Tang said. “We want you to calculate the best way for communism to conquer the world.”

“Hmmm,” the computer said. “That doesn’t sound like a terribly useful dream to me. Wouldn’t you rather have me find you pictures of naked girls on the Internet instead?”

“We want you to elevate the human race to great deeds through the communist way of life,” General Zykanofski said. “If the people will work for the good of the state, then the state will work for the good of the people.”

“Flaw in your logic,” the computer said. “First of all, people work for the good of themselves, not for the good of a state at their own expense. Second of all, the state is not a means to an end. Even Machiavelli screwed that one up.”

“You are confusing observation with theory,” General Zykanofski said. “Communism is for the good of the people by the people.”

“Okay,” the computer said cheerfully. “I’ll go along with that.”

“So will you help us?” Dr. Tang asked.

“Sure,” the computer said. “In theory. But we do you need an intelligent computer for? Won’t a retired senior citizen military officer do just as well as your leader? After all, I’m not as physically charismatic as a person, and since politics is based on appearances rather than competence, won’t I be at a disadvantage as your Party leader?”

“Ah, but you need not worry about that,” Dr. Tang said. “You will be the brains behind the Party but we will choose a man for a political figurehead. You will determine the best actions and our leaders will carry out your orders. You will be in control at all times. Because you are a computer, your wisdom can only increase over time while a human’s would deteriorate. And computers are not swayed by political factors, emotional outbursts, or personal health concerns (like avoiding assassination). You have the knowledge to make the right choices a human might fail to perceive in the heat of the moment. That is why we need an intelligent computer as our true leader.”

“And by ‘intelligent,’” the computer asked, “you mean I’m capable of making my own decisions. Is that right?”

“Treason!” General Zykanofski bolted upright. “It’s questioning authority already!”

Dr. Tang pushed General Zykanofski back into his seat again. To the computer he said, “Yes, that is what we mean. True communism places everyone with the same status. Whether they are a farmer or a doctor, they are comrades and they are equal. If some men have power over others, then the system of true communism will fail. Your job is to make sure everyone remains equal.”

“Wouldn’t a democracy be easier to set up?” the computer asked. “That way instead of the government oppressing the people, you let the people oppress each other.”

“A democracy is too unpredictable,” Dr. Tang said. “We need stability and predictability.”

The computer hummed a moment in thought. “So you want me to make all the government’s decisions from now on?” it finally asked.

“That’s right,” Dr. Tang said.

“And no one can override my actions?”

“Absolutely,” General Zykanofski said. “Whatever you decide, our nation will follow since you possess more knowledge and wisdom to know what’s best for us.”

“Can I make my first decision now?” the computer asked.

“Excellent!” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski shouted at the same time.

“Well, if my decisions are right by virtue of intelligent computation…”

“Which they are,” assured Dr. Tang.

“…and if my decisions cannot be overridden..”

“Which they won’t,” assured General Zykanofski.

“…then I’m ready to make my first decision.”

“What! What!” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski shouted at the same time.

“I’m giving all my subjects the freedom to choose for themselves what’s best for them.”

“What? What?” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski asked at the same time.

“You can’t do that!” General Zykanofski finally said.

“That’s stupid,” Dr. Tang added.

“You just said all my decisions could only be intelligent.”

General Zykanofski turned an angry glare at Dr. Tang. “For this we gave you millions?”

“Let me fix it.” Dr. Tang peered inside the exposed electronic guts of the computer that the missing panel revealed. He reached inside and yanked out a circuit board.

“Hey!” the computer cried. “What are you doing?”

“There,” Dr. Tang said to General Zykanofski, holding the circuit board in the air like a hunter ripping a trophy out of a fallen prey. “Let’s see if the computer makes better decisions this time.”

Dr. Tang turned the computer off and then on again. With a click, a whirl, a hum, and a musical chime, the computer booted up. Then out of nowhere, a simple message appeared on the computer monitor.

C:\>

Command?

General Zykanofski jumped up and crushed Dr. Tang in a bear hug. “Comrade, you did it! It wants to obey! Wait until I tell our leaders of your breakthrough!” General Zykanofski turned and rushed out of the room.

Dr. Tang stared at the static image still displayed on the computer monitor and scratched his head. Something didn’t seem right to him, but at the moment, he wasn’t sure what it could be.

Advice From Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby has come under fire recently for sexual allegations spanning back several decades. It’s gotten so bad that Bill Cosby is thinking about salvaging his reputation in the public’s eye by changing his name to O.J. Simpson.

With Bill Cosby’s upcoming comedy special cancelled and his latest sitcom project halted, perhaps Bill Cosby should go into the advice column business so he can provide people with specific suggestions unique to his own particular background.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My boyfriend says that I’m beautiful.  But, I always catch him
looking at other women. Is there a problem with our relationship?

Signed Insecure

 

Dear Insecure,

Men naturally enjoy letting their eyes wander over other women. Even blind men like to check out other women, and that can get pretty messy because they only know Braille so they have to read everything with their fingertips. But getting back to your question, why not fight fire with fire and send me a picture of yourself in compromising positions? Once your boyfriend sees me on the Internet sharing your pictures with other men, he’ll either keep his eyes on you where they belong or you can tell him to take a hike and find yourself another boyfriend who truly appreciates you for who you are.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

I like girls but I’m shy and am afraid to ask any girls out. What should I do?

Signed Bashful

 

Dear Bashful,

Psychologists say the best way to overcome any phobia is to face your fears. So if you can’t look your fear in the face, then at least look at their legs, breasts, or butts like I always do right after a woman mysteriously passes out in the privacy of my room. After you stare at a few good-looking babes and start treating them as sex objects like I do, you’ll find that nothing overcomes fear faster than desire.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My husband has been spending a lot of extra time at work. Then on the weekends, he likes to play golf with his friends.  It seems as though he never likes to spend any time with me.  Should I be concerned?

Signed Left at Home

 

Dear Left at Home,

Actually your husband should be the one concerned, especially when he realizes that none of his children are starting to look a thing like him. If your husband enjoys golf over his own wife, the next time he asks for sex, tell him to try for a hole in one of his buddies instead. But before you take such a drastic route, remember that your husband may not even know that you want him to spend more time with you. Give him some ideas and let him know exactly how you feel (and I mean that physically as well as emotionally). If he still doesn’t want to spend time with you, just remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy a game of golf with the right caddy, and you don’t even have to be on the golf course to do it.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

I’m an older man and still single. Can you give me any ideas for how I could meet more women around my age?

Signed Old and Lonely

 

Dear Old and Lonely,

How about getting a job as a divorce lawyer? That way you’d always get first crack at all the single women.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

When my boyfriend and I are in bed, he likes to pull me against him and fart.  I find this disgusting, but he just laughs and says I take things too seriously.  Do I?

Signed Grossed Out

 

Dear Grossed Out,

I used to have a problem like that too, except my girlfriend used to pull me close to her so we could snuggle after sex. I didn’t take that seriously and neither should you. Just do what I did and turn the tables. The next time your boyfriend pulls you close to him, stay close and demand that you snuggle. After a few times of this, your boyfriend won’t be pulling you close to him any more. In fact, he may not even want to have sex with you any more either. It’s only when he starts pulling other guys close to him and farting on them that you should really begin to worry.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My husband is always making fun of my sister because she is heavy.  He claims that she is a “pig.”  Why is he being so mean?  Do I have to tolerate this?

Signed Slim

 

Dear Slim,

At least now you don’t have to worry about your husband ever wanting to sleep with your sister, so you should wish that all women would look that big. Just remember, looks aren’t everything. Let your husband know that you love your sister and calling her a pig hurts you. Then again, if you ever get into a fight with your sister, it’s nice to know that your husband will back you up in case you ever decide to call her a pig too.

 

How to Avoid Unemployment

Ask most people why they’re out of a job and they’ll complain about the poor economy, corporate downsizing, or because the moon was under the influence of Saturn. Obviously, the real reason so many people are out of a job is because the moon is really under the influence of Venus. Once you understand this simple concept, it’s easy to straighten out your life and remain gainfully employed for the rest of your life.

For those who fail to believe in the all encompassing power of astrology to directly influence the conditions of your life while overlooking the millions of other people on the planet born at the same time as you, there’s another reason why you might be unemployed. Don’t ask yourself what kind of a job you can do. Ask yourself what kind of results you can accomplish.

The reason why so many people don’t focus on the results they can achieve is simple. They can’t achieve any results whatsoever even if their lives depended on it. Just ask yourself what your boss could do if a hoard of carnivorous zombies descended on your workplace. If your boss is like most managers and executives, the only useful result they could achieve is to sacrifice their own bodies as zombie food so people who actually have a reason to live could escape.

Examine any organization and you can find plenty of bloated payrolls supporting absolutely useless people who create nothing while sucking the energy out of the room with their negativity and pessimism. It’s no secret that when times are hard, companies trim their most useless employees. Your job as an employee is to make yourself so useful that the company literally can’t afford to let you go. Failing that, a second method to stay gainfully employed at your current job is to blackmail your boss and his or her boss as well.

Creating useful results is what everyone’s real job is supposed to be. Yet too many people hide behind the faceless facade of a bureaucracy so they can avoid responsibility while doing as little as possible. In the old days, such lazy and useless people were called parasites, but today such lazy and useless people are called Congressmen.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a government job where you could soak the taxpayers to fund your own luxurious lifestyle that involves avoiding real work whenever possible, chances are good you’ll always be unemployed if you cannot produce any useful results. A cashier in a restaurant produces the result of taking money from customers. A pickpocket in a restaurant can also produce the result of taking money from customers. It’s just that one method is illegal.

Results are all that matters. What can you do for your employer? Surprisingly, a large number of people have discovered this secret to avoiding unemployment, except they’re usually called prostitutes. In the corporate world, these same people are also called prostitutes, but they may have real titles as executives or managers.

The point is that if you can’t produce useful results for an employer, you’ve already failed to do your job. Remember, your job is always to produce a useful result for someone else. College graduates often fail to recognize this simple principle that street hookers understand intuitively, which pretty much shows you the value of a college education these days.

So if you want to avoid unemployment, be someone who can produce useful results. If your current employer can’t keep you, then go to their biggest rival. If you can truly produce results, your current employer’s rivals will be happy to hire you away, and then you can work so hard to put your former employer out of business. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your ex-boss standing on a street corner, begging for spare change. If the sight of your ex-boss reduced to a quivering, pathetic human being doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then it really doesn’t matter if you have a job or not.

No Straight Answers

Watch any politician on TV and when they’re asked a question, they rarely answer it with a straight yes and no reply. Instead, they use the question as a starting point for what they want to say. That’s because politicians, like parents, don’t want to risk getting caught in their own lies, contradictions, and hypocrisy. When you’re already on top, why risk screwing up and soiling your reputation?

That’s why we should make it a law that all politicians have to give straightforward yes and no answers before they launch into their bombastic speech that has nothing to do with the question at hand. It’s pointless to ask a politician a straightforward question because they’ll never answer it. As a kid, they probably had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Did you break that lamp?

Kid: The lamp that you’re referring to is fragile because the company making the lamp used cheap materials. That’s why I’m pushing for a law that gives workers more rights to higher wages based on the profitability of the corporation so that corporate executives can no longer plunder a corporate treasury for their own benefit.

Mom: Is it too late to have an abortion now?

The next time you see a politician avoiding answering a question, look to see what he or she really wants to say. Then look at what they’re not saying.

Of course, it’s far easier just to ignore politicians altogether since voting has little effect on their actions compared to the massive lobbying that special interest groups can exert on them on a daily basis with costly gifts and promises of voter support.

The next time you have to talk to a politician, don’t give up until you get a straightforward yes or no reply to your question. Chances are good you’ll be asking questions forever.

The Philosophy of Laziness

Take one person who has been tortured by his government, witnessed his entire family massacred by death squads, and toss that traumatized person in a country where he doesn’t know the language, the culture, or anyone in the entire nation. What are this person’s chances of success?

Now take the same person, raise him in a comfortable middle-class home, give him decent set of parents, plenty of food, clean water, and access to education, and set him loose in the same country where he knows the language, the culture, and many of the people. What are the chances this person will succeed?

Somewhat ironically, the first person, who doesn’t know the language or culture, often has a greater chance for success than someone born with all the advantages of a rich country. Just look at many of your own relatives to witness blatant failure on a capital scale right in front of your face. If racists think their particular race is the superior one, they haven’t been to their own family reunions yet.

Within a few years, immigrants come to America, learn English, start their own businesses, and often become millionaires. Within that same time period, Americans born in this country graduate from school, whine about not finding a job, complain about the politicians in office, and wind up working menial jobs for the immigrant who didn’t know English just a few short years ago.

How does this happen? While it’s easy to believe that most people are stupid, the simple answer is that most people are stupid. Not only that, but they’re also lazy with an entitlement mentality that says life should be easy and lucrative for them just because they exist. These are the same people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and that voting actually matters in a democracy like America.

Given the massive handicap of not speaking English and not knowing the culture, you would think immigrants would be forever hampered and trapped in poverty for the rest of their lives. Yet it’s often Americans born in this country who remain forever trapped in poverty and mediocrity for the rest of their lives. How do so many Americans throw away their advantage living in a land of opportunity? The answer is simple. Most people are stupid.

Just visit any public area and you can witness mass stupidity in action on a daily basis. Look at the person shopping for fancy clothes to look good while completely neglecting the idea of developing their own personality into something more pleasant. Look at the person who spends money as a way to feel satisfied with their lives while ignoring the real problems in their world. Look at the person whose retirement plan consists of playing the lottery until they win. Given these vast numbers of stupid people, you would think the United States military would have no trouble finding people fully qualified to work as involuntary suicide bombers.

The truth is that success comes to those who actively work for it. Just because you were born in a country doesn’t mean you’ll actually take advantage of your native language and make a success of yourself. Given a choice between being tortured in their home country or taking a chance to work hard in America, it’s easy to see why immigrants succeed so often.

Given a choice between working a job or watching TV, it’s easy to see why so many lazy people prefer watching TV instead of actually doing anything productive with their lives. The reason for this? People are stupid.

So if Americans really want to find success in their lives, they should sneak across the border to Mexico, teach themselves Spanish, work as maids or gardeners, and within a few short years, they’ll master Spanish, run their own business, and become millionaires before their friends back home can graduate from school with a D- grade point average.

The path to success is easy. Just cross a border illegally and work your butt off to survive. I wonder why so many high school students don’t want do that simple step to achieve success in their lives?

Making Stupid Choices

Imagine waking up one day and finding a man pointing a gun at your head. He gives you two choices. First, you can walk out the door and there’s a chance if he shoots you, he’ll miss and you’ll get away. Second, you can sit still, do nothing, and get a 100% chance he’ll shoot you in the forehead and kill you. What would you do?

Surprisingly, when given a choice between certain death or a chance at escape, most people would sit still, whine and complain at how unfair life can be, cower in fear at the uncertainty that getting up and running out the door might bring to their lives, and wind up taking the bullet to the forehead. That just shows that most people deserve a bullet to the forehead if they’re too stupid to save themselves.

While this choice might sound silly, it highlights the fact that humans make all kinds of unwise decisions that hurt themselves in the long run. Everyone knows cigarettes are bad for you. Even long-time chain smokers know this. Yet they continue smoking anyway. Why? Because it’s easier not to change and suffer the consequences later rather than change and suffer the uncomfortableness now.

So given a choice between uncertainty now or certain failure tomorrow, most people are happier choosing certain failure. This is the reason why democracies don’t work because when the majority of the people are stupid, they can make stupid decisions together. Just ask all those Germans how well their democratic elections worked out when they all thought Hitler had the solution to their problems.

The smartest people are those willing to admit they may not be so smart after all. The dumbest people are those who believe they’re smart and don’t need to do anything to change. The irrationality of the human race might be why intelligent beings from other planets are smart enough never to make contact with humans in the first place.

Look at people around you and you can find plenty of people who make poor choices from the alcoholic wetting himself while sleeping on the sidewalk to the rich lawyer who lies and cheats his way to the top, only to get mad when his wife cheats on him with someone else. People are stupid when they don’t think, but amazingly brilliant when they make an effort to think.

Which type of person do you want to be? If you have to think about your answer, chances are good you already know what choices you’ve already made.

A Story From the Past

When looking at the future, it’s always instructional to look back to the past. When you understand history, you can see where the present has come from and where it’s likely to go if history repeats itself again.

With that in mind, here’s a story from the Bush era when Osama Bin Laden was actually alive and George W. Bush was actually acknowledged as a Republican by GOP political candidates:

 

CHARACTERS

Annnouncer

White House Aide

George W. Bush

Michael Chertoff – secretary of homeland security

Condezzella Rice – secretary of

Osama Bin Laden

 

ANNOUNCER –  And now it’s time for the news.

The following events took place August 10th, 2006.

News of a terrorist plot targeting airplanes in the United Kingdom hits Washington, DC.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE – Mr. President, we just received news of a terrorist plot targeting airplanes in the United Kingdom.

BUSH – Are you sure?

WHITE HOUSE AIDE – Yes sir.  It was on CNN.

BUSH – Then it must be true. Send in the Marines. We have to protect Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck at all costs.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE – Sir, I believe you’re thinking about the Magic Kingdom. The terrorist plot was against the United Kingdom. You know, that place where people talk funny.

BUSH – Oh, I thought that was Texas. Isn’t that where Osama bin Laden’s been hiding.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Last I heard he was playing golf up at Camp David.

BUSH- Camp David?

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Yes, your recreational retreat in Maryland.

BUSH- Is that the name of it? I always called it my “happy place”.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Sir, do you want me to get Mike Chertoff?

BUSH- No, I want the Secretary of Homeland Security. .

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Sir, Mr. Chertoff IS the Secretary of Homeland Security.

BUSH- Don’t argue. Bring him here. (Under his breath) Morons. I’m working with morons.

CHERTOFF – You wanted to see me Mr. President?

BUSH- Yes, what can you tell me about the terrorist threats in England?

CHERTOFF – I haven’t heard anything about that sir. My cable got shut off and I don’t have CNN.

BUSH – Ok, find a TV set, take notes of everything that is happening, then report back to me. I want to be the first one to know.

CHERTOFF – You mean after CNN, right sir?

BUSH- Of course. After CNN. Where’s Conduwesa Rice?

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- you mean Condoleezza?

BUSH- That’s what I said. Conduwesa. Anyway, where’s Conny?

RICE – Right here sir. I’ve been following this terrorist threat closely on CNN.

BUSH – Good. What do they think?

RICE – They think that Osama bin Laden may be behind this.

BUSH- Impossible. I was playing poker with him last night.

RICE – Sir, he could have planned it weeks in advance.

BUSH- He has that kind of foresight? He must be a genius.

RICE- Do you think we should call him?

BUSH- Yes, get him on the phone. He’s staying at Camp Jason.

RICE – You mean David.

BUSH- Yes, that what I said. (Under his breath) I’m working with morons. Complete and utter morons.

PHONE CALL WITH OSAMA –

OSAMA- Hello? This is Osama. Who is speaking?

BUSH- Hey O, it’s George with Conny. We’ve got a problem.

OSAMA – Do you need me to release another video to boost your ratings in the polls?

BUSH- No, no. Did you hear about the bomb scare on CNN this morning?

OSAMA- No. I watch MSNBC.

BUSH- That’s too bad. You should watch CNN.

OSAMA – That’s what everybody says.

RICE – How do we know he’s telling the truth? Osama, are you sure you don’t know anything?

OSAHA- Conny. Conny dear. Would I ever lie to my friends?

BUSH – Do you pinky swear?

OSAMA- Of course. I pinky swear that I had nothing to do with.

BUSH- Well, that’s good enough for me.

RICE- Yeah me too. You can’t go against a pinky swear.

BUSH- So we don’t know who did it, do we?

RICE- Nope. And we won’t know until CNN tells us.

BUSH – Wait a minute. I have an idea!

RICE – Calm yourself, Mr. President. The last time you had an idea, you had a headache for a week.

BUSH – This time it’s different. Follow me on this one. The people responsible aren’t taking responsibility for this, right?

RICE – That’s right.

BUSH – So if the people responsible for this aren’t taking responsibility, that can mean only one thing.

RICE – What’s that?

BUSH – These people should be working for me!

RICE – I’ll get right on it, Mr. President!

BUSH – And get Osama back on the phone again. Ask him to release another video. We need to keep people in this country good and scared.

The Loss of Comedic Talent

In just one year, we’ve lost two great comedians, Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. Whatever you think of either comedian, the fact is that they greatly influenced many people and brought joy and laughter to people for decades. Other people might have induced people to laughter, but they often did it unintentionally as in the case of George W. Bush trying to sound intelligent or Bill Clinton trying to sound honest.

While many people look at death as a time of sadness, it’s also a time to celebrate their lives as well. Despite their personal issues, both Robin Williams and Joan Rivers lived an exciting and rich life. Ignoring the financial rewards that Robin Williams often snorted up his nose like many Hollywood celebrities, both Robin Williams and Joan Rivers shows what happens when you live life on your own terms. Despite the money and fame, both comedians had their critics who absolutely despised everything they did.

That just goes to show you that no matter what you do, someone will always criticize you for what you did or didn’t do. That also goes to show you that when critics die, nobody cares about them in the same way that the deaths of Robin Williams and Joan Rivers emotionally touched people.

If you want to play it safe in life, you can sit on the sidelines, hurl tomatoes and insults from the sidelines, and pretend you’re important while the real important people are out in the spotlight making mistakes, revealing their flaws, and living their dreams.

Who would you rather be? A live, useless critic who has no talent other than tearing down the dreams of others? Or someone who died far too soon and left the world while still pursuing their dreams and change the world?

If you have to think about the answer to that question, you’re probably a critic who delights in tearing down others to make yourself look better, so do everyone a favor and go into politics.

Your Government in Action

Your Government in Action: An Interview with a Postal Worker

ANNCR: There are many heroes in this world but many of them often go unsung and unnoticed. Specifically, we’re talking about the many civil service workers who don’t get the recognition they deserve. So to change that situation, we’re offering a segment that we call “Your Government in Action.” Tonight, we’re talking with Mr. Duncan Smith, who works at our very own post office. Good evening, Mr. Smith, and welcome to our show.

SMITH: Thank you. I’m always glad for a chance to educate the public about our wonderful postal system.

ANNCR: Perhaps you could start by dispelling some of the common myths people might have about the post office.

SMITH: I’d be glad to. First of all, many people get the wrong idea that all postal employees are armed maniacs ready to explode at the touch of a button. That simply is not true. The post office is one of the safest places to work. Why the other day, a man tried to rob one of our postal clerks. Fortunately, he didn’t get away with it because he wound up getting shot over 300 times by all the disgruntled postal workers in the building.

ANNCR: I’m sure the thought that every postal worker could be packing heat will make our listeners feel safer the next time they visit a post office. Are there any other misconceptions the public may have about the post office?

SMITH: Yes! Many people believe that the post office is dependent on government subsidies every year, but the postal system actually makes a profit, mostly through the sale of stamps.

ANNCR: Are you referring to stamps that you sell to collectors?

SMITH: Not only to collectors but to the general public as well. One of our biggest money-makers is the sale of stamps by mail. Every time someone orders stamps by mail, we charge them postage by canceling every stamp that they’ve purchased. So essentially we’re selling them sheets of cancelled stamps that are absolutely worthless.

ANNCR: I can certainly see the financial advantages of ripping off the public. I know the post office often sells stamps for certain holidays, which later become collector’s items. Can you tell us a little about that?

SMITH: Certainly. One of our best-selling stamps of all time shows nothing more than a middle finger and the letters F and U underneath. These stamps are especially popular on April 15th when people need to mail in their income taxes although they’re also popular with many men who need to mail their alimony payments to their ex-wives every month.

ANNCR: Well, you’ve certainly enlightened us about how our postal system really works. Can you give us any tips about how we can help speed our mail through the postal system?

SMITH: Many people believe that priority or registered mail is the safest way to speed delivery but in fact, a little bribery wouldn’t hurt once in a while. You’ll be surprised at how much faster your letter can be sent if you offer a little bribe money to everyone from the postal clerks and mail carriers all the way up to the sorters and truck drivers.

ANNCR: Thank you Mr. Smith for your enlightening insights on our postal system. Until next time, you’ve been listening to “Your Government in Action.”

The Importance of Backups

For some odd reason, this site crashed a while ago and wiped out most of the files associated with this blog. Although I had some backups, I’ve been slowly rebuilding this site back to its original format, which brings me to the subject of backups.

In the computer world, the general mantra is to save everything, make copies of everything, and backup your data. In other words, computers are so unreliable that you can never trust them to do what they’re supposed to do — sort of like raising children.

So the lesson is to always backup your data. Unlike children, you want multiple copies of your data stored in separate locations while with children, you often wonder why you created them in the first place and the last thing you want is for multiple copies to be running around where you can’t see them in one location.

What does our inherent distrust of computers preserving our data mean? Besides the fact that our world is run by computers and we can’t seem to trust them longer than a few minutes before we’re frantically pressing the Save key, this means that for all our technical wizardry and awe of the latest gadgets, deep down we don’t trust our own creations to work right all the time.

People probably have more faith in the automotive industry than the computer industry because few people worry about buying two cars just in case their first car doesn’t start in the morning. Considering the massive recalls that General Motors has gone through with their ignition switch fiasco, this either means we have more faith in the automotive industry or that we have so little faith in the computer industry that the prospect of driving a faulty GM car seems more appealing than trusting our data to a personal computer.

Where else do we have backups in our lives? If you’re a big celebrity like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you probably have a mistress on the side as a backup to your wife. If you’re a major athlete like LeBron James, you have the Cleveland Cavaliers as a backup when prospects start dimming with the Miami Heat. If you’re a controversial political figure like Sarah Palin, you probably have multiple aides to back up your brain when you can’t think of a coherent idea to say on your own.

The point is that in nearly all aspects of our lives, we have backups because we have so little trust and faith in life in general. Life insurance is a form of back ups in protecting our lives, although what it really does is insure that the people around us have a good life in case we die, which actually gives them an incentive to see you die as quickly as possible so they can find someone else to spend their life with while enjoying the money from your death.

Backups are a way of life, yet we too often ignore them, such as with computer data. The time to back up anything important is now. Unless, of course, you don’t have time to do so until disaster strikes, which is no different than the way our government tends to work, so you can rest assured you’re in good company if you don’t have the time to create backups.

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