Chapter 4: The Power of Being Delusional
“When all else fails, there’s always delusion.”
— Conon O’Brien
In Chapter 1, you learned the importance of defining a clear goal that’s so big it will change the world faster than an incompetent, megalomaniac president. In Chapter 2, you learned how to overcome your own self-doubt and the moronic beliefs of others who may try to derail your dreams because they’re too lazy to pursue any worthwhile goals of their own.
In Chapter 3, you learned why a plan is useless for getting you to a goal, but useful in getting you started. Now in this chapter, you’ll learn how to overcome obstacles you’ll face whenever you pursue any goal worth achieving.
These obstacles typically come from other people who will get in your way. Such people exist solely to make life miserable for everyone around them. Because these other people have zero goals and ambition of their own, they delight in stopping real human beings from accomplishing anything worthwhile. To defeat such pests, you need to harness a power greater than anything known to mankind. The only power that can overthrow kingdoms, turn democracies into dictatorships, and erase the collective lessons of the past is none other than delusional thinking.
First, let me say that I’m an expert when it comes to delusional thinking. Everything I write in this chapter comes from personal experience so if there’s anyone more delusional than I am, I have yet to meet that person in a mirror.
The moment you start moving towards a goal, you’re going to run into idiots who will tell you no. Some self-help gurus claim you need to turn all those naysayers into friends. I say just run them over and leave their bloody carcasses behind as roadkill. That will serve as a warning to anyone else who even thinks of getting in your way in the future.
The truth is that unlike me, you can never succeed on your own. With me, it’s different. I do everything myself and take 100 percent of the credit for what someone else may have done for me. With you, you can’t depend on other people doing your work for you and giving you all the credit. Instead, you have to do some of the work yourself.
I know this may sound like a harsh lesson to reality, but it’s the truth. No matter what type of goal you’re pursuing (unless it’s something really stupid), you’re going to run into people I call gatekeepers. (Actually I call these people something else, but the publisher said I can’t use four-letter words because they might “offend” people. Hey, if you’re offended by four-letter words, I’ve got some five-letter words that will really piss you off.)
Gatekeepers are people who have the power to say no but never have the power to do anything useful themselves. Think of eunuchs who guard a king’s concubines but can’t have sex themselves. That’s what gatekeepers are.
The first words out of any gatekeeper’s mouth will always be, “No.” That’s because it’s probably the first word they learned as a baby and they never learned any more words after that.
Gatekeepers are generally afraid of failure, which is ironic because most of them are already failures in my book. Because gatekeepers are afraid of failure, it’s always safer for them to say no to you than to say yes. If they say no, they protect themselves from looking foolish. If they say yes, then they risk looking foolish if you should fail. Therefore gatekeepers will always say no.
There are two ways to get a gatekeeper to say yes. First, you can slap them with a subpoena and threaten to sue the living daylights out of their family, their ancestors, and their future children until they say yes. Since most people don’t have access to an army of lawyers like I do, the second way to get a gatekeeper to say yes is to change their mind. (Good luck with that.)
Do people change their minds easily? No. That’s why they’re idiots. Look at me. I change my mind sometimes within the same sentence. In fact, often I don’t even know what I just said. If you confront me with my own words, I’ll deny I ever said them. That’s because I’m smart enough to know how to change my mind faster than you can use my words against me. That’s a symbol of flexibility and strength.
However, since most people aren’t as smart as me, they’ll always resist changing their mind. To change a gatekeeper’s mind, you must first identify the gatekeeper.
That’s not as easy as you might think because gatekeepers are scaredy cats afraid of being exposed. It’s always easy to make someone say no without facing them. It’s always harder to tell someone no in front of their face.
So the moment you run into an obstacle in pursuit of a goal, look for the gatekeepers who are telling you no. Then kill them. Ha, ha, that’s a joke. No, just sue them. Then find out if that person telling you no is really the person saying no, or just doing the dirty work of someone too chicken to do it himself.
What you need to find is the real person telling you no. Once you find that person, you have to work to change their mind.
Here’s where the power of delusional thinking comes in. First, you have to be delusional to think you can achieve something you’ve never achieved before. If I asked if you could successfully walk to the kitchen and bring back a glass of water, you’d probably say yes. That’s because you’ve done it before.
Now if I ask you to achieve a huge dream, chances are good you’ve never achieved a similar huge dream before. That means if you base your thinking on facts and the past, you’ll think you can’t achieve it. Wrong.
You have to be delusional to reach any goal. Do you think Dorothy wasn’t delusional when she went off to find the Wizard of Oz? Do you think Rocky wasn’t delusional when he tried to fight Apollo Creed for the heavyweight championship of the world? Do you think Luke Skywalker wasn’t delusional when George Lucas told him he couldn’t be a real boy until he blew up the Death Star? Not a chance.
Delusional thinking makes you believe you can achieve anything you want. If you believe that, you’ll actually take action to achieve everything you want. So what if you don’t have the brains, education, skills, or knowledge to achieve your dream. That’s never stopped me.
Now once you run into a gatekeeper who tells you no, most people give up and their dream stops right there. Losers.
Quitters never get what they want. That’s why they’re called quitters. Winners always get what they want. That’s why they’re called winners. You can’t be a winner if you quit any more than you can be a war hero if you get captured by the enemy. That’s just the meaning of the definition.
When you pursue a goal, you’re going to run into gatekeepers who will tell you no. Most people assume that gatekeepers must know what they’re talking about because they’re gatekeepers. That makes as much sense as saying that politicians know what they’re doing just because they got elected. Wrong!
Gatekeepers will tell you no because their job is to protect the time of someone far more important than their pitiful little soul. To bypass the gatekeepers, you need to rely on delusional thinking.
First, you must delude yourself that you’re so important than only an idiot would say no to you. (Since gatekeepers have already said no to you, that proves they’re an idiot.)
Second, you must delude others to believe you’re so important that only an idiot would say no to you. That way if they do say no to you, they’ll feel like an idiot and immediately change their mind to say yes. That’s because people are more concerned about what others think of them than what they think of themselves.
Personally, I think I’m perfect so I don’t care what others think of me. If someone doesn’t like me, that only proves that they’re inferior. If someone thinks I’m perfect, that only shows they have good taste. That’s the power of delusional thinking.
So if you want to get past the gatekeepers in life, you have two options:
- Find out who the gatekeeper is protecting and approach that person instead
- Find someone else who can say yes and remember the gatekeeper’s name so you can buy up their apartment or home in the future and evict them
Let’s take the first option first because it’s listed first and items listed first must be a winner. That’s because winners never come in second place or else they would no longer be a winner. Remember that.
How can you approach someone that a gatekeeper is protecting? Easy. Just remember that everyone in the world has a problem. (My problem is that not enough people recognize that I’m the greatest person in the world.)
Since everyone has a problem that causes them pain, everyone wants a solution that removes their pain. So the secret is to find who the gatekeeper is protecting and then find out that person’s biggest pain. Once you know that person’s biggest pain, find a way to remove that person’s pain even if it’s illegal, unethical, or immoral. That’s the way I do business and that’s the way you should too.
When you know a person’s biggest pain, offer a solution to remove that massive pain. Then watch that person gladly run over their own gatekeeper to get to you and your solution. See how easy that is?
Now you may ask yourself, “How can I find out a person’s biggest pain?”
To which I say, “Hey, I told you this much that you didn’t know before. Do I have to do everything for you?”
Since everyone is different, everyone’s biggest pain will be different and finding that out will never be the same from one person to another. There, happy now?
In other words, you have to think for yourself once in a while. If you want step-by-step recipes, buy a cookbook. If you want guidance from me, then you’ll have to accept that I can’t hold your hand through every crisis you’ll run into. Chances are I wouldn’t want to hold your hand anyway unless I can wash my own hand afterwards.
Okay, so you know the best way to get around a gatekeeper is to find who that person’s they’re protecting and then find their biggest pain. Then find a solution to their biggest pain so they’ll be eager to ignore their gatekeeper and say yes to you. Problem solved!
Okay, I know a lot of you are whining that you still don’t know how to find a person’s biggest pain. If you’re not willing to look for your own solutions, skip it and move on to the second option. That means looking for someone who will say yes to you.
Let’s put it in simple terms because most people have simple minds. Suppose you want to date a beautiful Eastern European model. Go up and ask one out for a date.
If she says no, go up to a second model and ask her out. If she says no, go up to a third model and ask her out. When do you stop? When one of them says yes.
Life is simple. The more you persist, the more you’ll succeed. Most people go through life trying to avoid failure. That’s wrong because by trying to avoid failing, you guarantee you’ll never achieve success. That means you guarantee failure, and that makes you a loser.
The only way you can ever succeed is to experience a lot of failure. The more you fail, the more likely you’ll succeed. Just as a roomful of monkeys banging on typewriters will eventually type out a real estate legal contract, so will constant failure eventually open the door to success.
Does failure feel good. No! That’s why I make fun of people who fail because making fun of failures does make you feel good. What happens when other people make fun of you when you fail? Then wait until you succeed eventually. When you become rich and powerful, all the losers who laughed at you will look really stupid in hindsight. That’s the bonus of becoming a winner.
Failure hurts, so that’s where the power of delusional thinking comes in. Keep telling yourself that each time you fail, you get one step closer to success. Is that true? Absolutely not. Do you think Charlie Brown is any closer to kicking a football the more times Lucy yanks the ball away from him? No, but delusional thinking can keep you trying one more time. Each time you fail, delusional thinking can motivate you to keep trying again and again. It never matters how many times you fail. It only matters when you win. Once you win, you’ll always be a winner.
Once you give up, you’ll always be a loser. That’s why you can never give up until you win. The only power strong enough to make losers keep trying is either a slot machine in a Las Vegas casino or delusional thinking.
Don’t think rationally. Be delusional. If it can work for me, it can work for you. I don’t believe that, but if you do, then it will work for you no matter what anyone else thinks anyway.
Embrace the power of delusional thinking. It’s the only path to certain success. Even if you fail, you can delude yourself that you didn’t so you’ll always wind up a winner in your deluded mind anyway. And that’s something no amount of positive thinking can ever overcome.
- Gatekeepers are people who will always say no to you. Your job is to make them say yes. Failing that, hire someone to kill them.
- If you can’t get past a gatekeeper, go straight to their boss and see if you can get the boss to fire the gatekeeper for not saying yes to you in the first place.
- If a gatekeeper says no, find someone else who will say yes. Anyone who says yes to you is a winner. Anyone who says no to you is a loser.
- If you quit, you’ll always be a loser for eternity. If you keep trying, you’ll always be a success in your own mind even if everyone around you thinks you’re an idiot.
- It never matters what anyone else thinks about you if you’re delusional.
- Being delusional is the secret of Donald Trump.