The Loss of Comedic Talent

In just one year, we’ve lost two great comedians, Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. Whatever you think of either comedian, the fact is that they greatly influenced many people and brought joy and laughter to people for decades. Other people might have induced people to laughter, but they often did it unintentionally as in the case of George W. Bush trying to sound intelligent or Bill Clinton trying to sound honest.

While many people look at death as a time of sadness, it’s also a time to celebrate their lives as well. Despite their personal issues, both Robin Williams and Joan Rivers lived an exciting and rich life. Ignoring the financial rewards that Robin Williams often snorted up his nose like many Hollywood celebrities, both Robin Williams and Joan Rivers shows what happens when you live life on your own terms. Despite the money and fame, both comedians had their critics who absolutely despised everything they did.

That just goes to show you that no matter what you do, someone will always criticize you for what you did or didn’t do. That also goes to show you that when critics die, nobody cares about them in the same way that the deaths of Robin Williams and Joan Rivers emotionally touched people.

If you want to play it safe in life, you can sit on the sidelines, hurl tomatoes and insults from the sidelines, and pretend you’re important while the real important people are out in the spotlight making mistakes, revealing their flaws, and living their dreams.

Who would you rather be? A live, useless critic who has no talent other than tearing down the dreams of others? Or someone who died far too soon and left the world while still pursuing their dreams and change the world?

If you have to think about the answer to that question, you’re probably a critic who delights in tearing down others to make yourself look better, so do everyone a favor and go into politics.

Your Government in Action

Your Government in Action: An Interview with a Postal Worker

ANNCR: There are many heroes in this world but many of them often go unsung and unnoticed. Specifically, we’re talking about the many civil service workers who don’t get the recognition they deserve. So to change that situation, we’re offering a segment that we call “Your Government in Action.” Tonight, we’re talking with Mr. Duncan Smith, who works at our very own post office. Good evening, Mr. Smith, and welcome to our show.

SMITH: Thank you. I’m always glad for a chance to educate the public about our wonderful postal system.

ANNCR: Perhaps you could start by dispelling some of the common myths people might have about the post office.

SMITH: I’d be glad to. First of all, many people get the wrong idea that all postal employees are armed maniacs ready to explode at the touch of a button. That simply is not true. The post office is one of the safest places to work. Why the other day, a man tried to rob one of our postal clerks. Fortunately, he didn’t get away with it because he wound up getting shot over 300 times by all the disgruntled postal workers in the building.

ANNCR: I’m sure the thought that every postal worker could be packing heat will make our listeners feel safer the next time they visit a post office. Are there any other misconceptions the public may have about the post office?

SMITH: Yes! Many people believe that the post office is dependent on government subsidies every year, but the postal system actually makes a profit, mostly through the sale of stamps.

ANNCR: Are you referring to stamps that you sell to collectors?

SMITH: Not only to collectors but to the general public as well. One of our biggest money-makers is the sale of stamps by mail. Every time someone orders stamps by mail, we charge them postage by canceling every stamp that they’ve purchased. So essentially we’re selling them sheets of cancelled stamps that are absolutely worthless.

ANNCR: I can certainly see the financial advantages of ripping off the public. I know the post office often sells stamps for certain holidays, which later become collector’s items. Can you tell us a little about that?

SMITH: Certainly. One of our best-selling stamps of all time shows nothing more than a middle finger and the letters F and U underneath. These stamps are especially popular on April 15th when people need to mail in their income taxes although they’re also popular with many men who need to mail their alimony payments to their ex-wives every month.

ANNCR: Well, you’ve certainly enlightened us about how our postal system really works. Can you give us any tips about how we can help speed our mail through the postal system?

SMITH: Many people believe that priority or registered mail is the safest way to speed delivery but in fact, a little bribery wouldn’t hurt once in a while. You’ll be surprised at how much faster your letter can be sent if you offer a little bribe money to everyone from the postal clerks and mail carriers all the way up to the sorters and truck drivers.

ANNCR: Thank you Mr. Smith for your enlightening insights on our postal system. Until next time, you’ve been listening to “Your Government in Action.”

The Importance of Backups

For some odd reason, this site crashed a while ago and wiped out most of the files associated with this blog. Although I had some backups, I’ve been slowly rebuilding this site back to its original format, which brings me to the subject of backups.

In the computer world, the general mantra is to save everything, make copies of everything, and backup your data. In other words, computers are so unreliable that you can never trust them to do what they’re supposed to do — sort of like raising children.

So the lesson is to always backup your data. Unlike children, you want multiple copies of your data stored in separate locations while with children, you often wonder why you created them in the first place and the last thing you want is for multiple copies to be running around where you can’t see them in one location.

What does our inherent distrust of computers preserving our data mean? Besides the fact that our world is run by computers and we can’t seem to trust them longer than a few minutes before we’re frantically pressing the Save key, this means that for all our technical wizardry and awe of the latest gadgets, deep down we don’t trust our own creations to work right all the time.

People probably have more faith in the automotive industry than the computer industry because few people worry about buying two cars just in case their first car doesn’t start in the morning. Considering the massive recalls that General Motors has gone through with their ignition switch fiasco, this either means we have more faith in the automotive industry or that we have so little faith in the computer industry that the prospect of driving a faulty GM car seems more appealing than trusting our data to a personal computer.

Where else do we have backups in our lives? If you’re a big celebrity like Arnold Schwarzenegger, you probably have a mistress on the side as a backup to your wife. If you’re a major athlete like LeBron James, you have the Cleveland Cavaliers as a backup when prospects start dimming with the Miami Heat. If you’re a controversial political figure like Sarah Palin, you probably have multiple aides to back up your brain when you can’t think of a coherent idea to say on your own.

The point is that in nearly all aspects of our lives, we have backups because we have so little trust and faith in life in general. Life insurance is a form of back ups in protecting our lives, although what it really does is insure that the people around us have a good life in case we die, which actually gives them an incentive to see you die as quickly as possible so they can find someone else to spend their life with while enjoying the money from your death.

Backups are a way of life, yet we too often ignore them, such as with computer data. The time to back up anything important is now. Unless, of course, you don’t have time to do so until disaster strikes, which is no different than the way our government tends to work, so you can rest assured you’re in good company if you don’t have the time to create backups.

The World According to Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter recently decided to share her opinion about soccer for the rest of the world to share. Basically she said “Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation’s moral decay.” Of course Ann Coulter ignores the idea that people who like her may also be a sign of this nation’s moral decay.

When you read what Ann Coulter says, you have to wonder if she’s just joking around or if she actually believes what she says. If she’s joking to fool everything into thinking she’s an ultra-conservative pundit when she’s really not, then she’s got Stephen Colbert beat by a landslide.

However if she actually believes what she says, then you have to wonder not only about the function of her own brain activity but the mental stability of people who agree with her.

There’s nothing wrong with someone like Ann Coulter spouting off her ignorance about something as seemingly harmless as soccer. What is wrong is when someone like Ann Coulter would feel perfectly at home with the Taliban if she were born in the Middle East and happened to be a man.

Ann Coulter makes a ton of money selling books and giving speeches to people who support her point of view. Then again, Hitler made money selling books and giving speeches to people who supported his point of view as well, so who says there aren’t opportunities for white people any more? In the realm of oppressive dictatorships and megalomaniac egos, it’s refreshing to see that countries like North Korea, Cuba, China, and Russia don’t have a monopoly when the United States can trot out Ann Coulter as the American symbol of bigotry, intolerance, and hatred.

Perhaps if Ann Coulter were a man and grew up in North Korea, her name would be Kim Jung-un. Or if she were a man and grew up in Russia, her name would have been Joseph Stalin. Then again if Ann Coulter were cloned as a man and grew up in the United States, she could rape herself.

Only someone like Ann Coulter could see soccer as a way to insult and demean a large part of the rest of the world. For someone who wants to find a way to stay in the public spotlight, Ann Coulter knows exactly which buttons to push to get the most attention. What’s sad isn’t that people like Ann Coulter exist, but that people exist who actually like and support her point of view.

For every Hitler in the world, there’s an army of anonymous cowards who would love nothing more than to hide behind the facade of a real leader and use that as an excuse to unleash their own reign of terror on others. Ann Coulter may be like Hitler, but the real threat are the anonymous people who support and embrace her point of view.

An Interview with a Racist President From the Future

Dog breeders know that the more inbreeding you have among dogs, the more genetic problems you’ll have. Anyone can see the problems of inbreeding, anyone except racists who continue to spout the desirability of purity of race. Why would racists advocate racial purity when that basically means inbreeding? Why do racists hate people of other races, yet can’t even get along with their own relatives who are the same race as they are?

Basically, racists look for simple answers to complex problems and feel comforted by knowing the “answer” without bothering to look at the question. Since we have racists owning NBA teams and racists running major corporations, what would happen if we had a racist in the White House?

To answer that question, we’ve gone forward in the future using time travel and interviewed the first white racist elected president of the United States who openly campaigned on the basis of white supremacy.

ME: As the first white supremacist elected as president, what’s your first reaction to your situation?

PRESIDENT: First of all, I’m living in a White House. That’s hidden racism that people have overlooked for decades, especially when Washington D.C. remains one of the poorest and most dangerous neighborhoods in the country right in the capital of the richest, most powerful country in the world. If people can’t see the blatant racism that condemns so many blacks to poverty and second-class status right in the shadow of their own government, then they haven’t been looking very hard.

ME: As the first confirmed white racist in the Oval Office, what will be your first goal?

PRESIDENT: Naturally I plan to further the agenda of white supremacists, which involves cheering for the US Olympic track team when they win gold medals while pretending that they’re not really black. If we had white runners, the United States would win as many gold medals in the 100 meter dash as Norway and Sweden combined, which is a big fat zero. So as the supreme white racist, I’ll make it a law that it’s illegal to look at contradictions between white supremacy propaganda and reality. Fortunately, most white supremacists do that anyway, so that won’t be any hardship on their part.

ME: As a white supremacist, how do you plan to handle foreign affairs with other countries that may consist of non-white people?

PRESIDENT: I don’t plan on doing anything differently than my predecessors, which means any time a non-white nation doesn’t do what we want, we’ll either bomb them, invade them, or secretly prop up a dictatorship in their country to do our bidding while their people suffer. Again, like I said, this isn’t anything different than what previous presidents have done.

ME: What will be your national agenda?

PRESIDENT: Of course I’ll pass laws that support the status quo and keep old, white men in power. Again, that basically means doing what all my predecessors did because have you seen a picture of all the members of Congress? If that doesn’t look like an ad for white people who need both Viagra and adult diapers, I don’t know what does.

ME: So you’re saying you won’t do anything differently because government is already slanted towards maintaining white supremacy anyway?

PRESIDENT: I didn’t say I wouldn’t do anything differently. I said I’d just maintain the same policies that my predecessors followed that still supported white power in ways that people have already come to accept. What I will do differently is that I’ll openly acknowledge the fact that the government is controlled by old white men who only care for looking after the interests of other old white men. That’s a huge difference between my administration and others that tried to ignore this issue.

ME: Wow, you do sound like a breath of fresh air in one form or another. One final question. How can you openly proclaim white power while refusing to acknowledge the many positive contributions to society that non-white people have been responsible for?

PRESIDENT: There’s no contradiction at all in my mind, but then again I’m a product of decade-long inbreeding anyway so what would I know? As a white supremacist, I have no problems with non-whites inventing great products or solving massive problems. I just want white people to be in control of all the money and power even if they don’t have a monopoly on intelligence. What could be more fair than that since that’s the way this country works anyway?

ME: I have to admit I wasn’t quite sure how a white supremacist would do in the White House, but I have to say that you really are more honest than any of the other presidents and I wish you the best of luck on your future political career that makes yourself look good at the expense of the nation.

PRESIDENT: Like I said, I’m not doing anything differently than anyone else, so thank you for that fine compliment and I’ll be sure to pass along the favor to your white overlord who will take credit and profits from everything you do. Good night!

The Astonishing Revelations of Edward Snowden

When Edward Snowden leaked out information about the NSA and U.S. government spying, people were shocked. They had no idea that the government would spy on its own citizens or that corporations would cooperate with the government to help spy on American citizens.

So to help you fully understand the severe nature of Edward Snowden’s leaks regarding government spying on its own people, here’s a list of other secrets he revealed beyond the information the news media listed:

More Amazing and Revealing Leaks from Edward Snowden

  • Water is wet
  • Fire is hot
  • Gravity makes things fall to the ground
  • The government wastes most of the money they take from the tax payers
  • Politicians are corrupt
  • The rich influence politicians to pass laws that favor the rich at the expense of everyone else
  • If you have money, you get more justice from the justice system than a poor person
  • Racism still exists
  • Buying drugs from the drug cartels supports their activities in killing and extorting others
  • CEOs make obscene amounts of money for doing relatively little but taking credit for a lot
  • Pornography exists on the Internet
  • People prefer reality TV over actual reality

As you can see from this extensive, previously unleaked list, Edward Snowden has completely opened our eyes to facts that we didn’t know could possibly be true. Who knew that our own government would spy on us or that corporations would aid them in the process while remaining silent on the matter? Now that you’ve seen what other secrets Edward Snowden revealed, you can see how serious its revelations really can be in harming national security. After all, if people are made aware of the obvious, they can no longer pretend to cling to the fantasies the government tries to foist on the public to keep them complacent and happy.

An Interview with the Heaven’s Gate Cult Leader

It always amazes me how people can twist their thinking into finding a way to justify almost anything, even mass murder suicide, using religious beliefs as their justification. Religion has inspired millions but also created a horde full of lunatics so it’s hard to say whether religion has helped society in the long run or hurt it.

Whatever the case, one of the strangest events involving religious beliefs occurred with the Heaven’s Gate cult that committed suicide so they could catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet. What’s even weirder is that this cult bought a telescope and returned it later because they claimed the telescope wasn’t powerful enough for them to see the UFO behind the comet.

Of course, logic says that they didn’t see the UFO behind the comet because there wasn’t a UFO behind the comet, but logic and religious beliefs usually don’t mix very well, so the result is a satirical interview with the founder of Heaven’s Gate.

ANNCR: On March 26, 1997, 39 people in Rancho Santa Fe swallowed a combination of vodka, applesauce, and barbiturates and then tied plastic bags over their heads to commit suicide in a cult known as Heaven’s Gate. Years later, we’re happy to report that Marshall Applewhite and his entire group of 39 members didn’t actually die as was first believed, but have been living in the fourth dimension and have agreed to contact us through the miracle of intergalactic physics and the invention of the cell phone. Can you hear me now, Marshall Applewhite?

MARSHALL: (Voice coming through a phone) Yes, yes. I can hear you very well. If I had known how clear cell phones would get in the 21st century, I might have waited a few more years before castrating myself to catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet.

ANNCR: Perhaps you could tell us why you ordered everyone in your group to commit suicide back in 1997.

MARSHALL: It’s very simple. Back in 1997, we spotted a UFO flying behind a comet. At the time, the UFO sent me signals letting us know that they were coming to pick us up and take us to another dimension. So we had to kill our bodies so we could transfer our souls into the UFO because they had two-carry on luggage limit and our bodies counted as three items.

ANNCR: After you left your bodies behind, what happened next?

MARSHALL: First, we had to go through a security checkpoint and show a picture ID before walking through a metal detector. Then the space aliens frisked us to make sure we weren’t carrying anything hazardous such as nail clippers or tweezers.

ANNCR: After passing through the security checkpoint, then were you allowed to board the UFO?

MARSHALL: Not exactly. We had to wait while another cult that had killed themselves three months earlier got to board the UFO first. Then it was our turn so we climbed aboard and had to take any open seat that was left.

ANNCR: Where did the UFO take you and your cult?

MARSHALL: First they took us to Phoenix where we caught a connecting flight to St. Louis. From there, we caught the UFO that finally took us to the fourth dimension where I’m calling you now.

ANNCR: Can you tell us what the people in these UFOs look like?

MARSHALL: Certainly! One of them looks like Darth Vader. Another one looks like Captain Kirk. The last one I saw looked a lot like Mark Hamill, but with a longer career in show business.

ANNCR: Was it difficult adjusting to life in the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: Other than being in a different time zone, not really. About the only problem is that the fourth dimension lets you see the past, the present, and the future all at the same time. So you can imagine how confusing that can be when you just want to take a leak in the toilet.

ANNCR: Do you have plans to return to Earth now that you’ve experienced the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: Why, yes! I’d like to come back to Earth and pick up an iPod. There isn’t any music in the fourth dimensions except for a bunch of angels singing all the time, and after nine years of living here, I’m getting sick of hearing harp music all the time.

ANNCR: Can you tell us what surprised you the most when you arrived in the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: I think what surprised me the most was that we weren’t the first humans to reach the fourth dimension.

ANNCR: How did you learn that other humans had beaten you to the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: I think it was when I first stepped off the UFO and saw all the Starbucks stores that had already been built there. They also have a few Wal-Mart stores and a couple of Home Depots too.

ANNCR: Our time is running out, so I’d like to ask you a few remaining questions. There were reports that all the male members of your cult had to get castrated. Could you tell us the purpose for that?

MARSHALL: It was actually part of the restrictions on our UFO ticket that we bought through Priceline.com. As I said earlier, the UFO had a two carry-on limit and unfortunately, they counted our testicles as four carry-on pieces, so we had to castrate all our members to make sure we could get a seat on the UFO.

ANNCR: Now that you’ve reached the fourth dimension, do you have any uplifting, inspirational message you’d like to tell people back on Earth?

MARSHALL: I guess the main thing I’d like to say to everyone is that I was right and all of you were wrong.

ANNCR: Thank you. We’ve been talking to Marshall Applewhite, the former leader of the cult Heaven’s Gate, which committed suicide in 1997 to catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet.

A Visit to a Creationism Museum

Back in 2007, I was part of a radio show called “Keeping It Weird,” which gave us an excuse to visit different parts of San Diego and talk to people. One place that refused to talk to us was the Creationism Museum in beautiful Santee, California. In lieu of an actual interview, I just made one up to highlight their nonsensical logic that contradicts itself numerous times.

US: We’re here at the Institute of Creation Research located in beautiful Santee, California. Nobody at the Institute was willing to talk to us so we’ve asked that a creation scientist from a nearby church guide us through the museum and answer some of our questions. This is Dean Archer, our museum guide.

DEAN: I’m always happy to show people the good works of Our Lord and His creation.

US: Before we go in, can you tell us a little about yourself?

DEAN: Why yes! I graduated from the Institute of Creation Research’s master’s degree program in creationism biology and geology science.

US: What kind of a job can you get with a biology or geology degree in creationism?

DEAN: Not much of anything, I’m afraid. I guess that’s why you’re paying me $5 bucks to show you around.

US: How many people visit the museum a year?

DEAN: I believe the museum has close to 10,000 visitors a year, although we count pregnant women and Guardian Angels as two or three people, so that number may be inflated a bit. So the actual number of visitors who visit the museum probably boils down to five or ten people a year, and that includes the mailman, the fire marshal, and the UPS deliveryman as well.

US: As we go through the front door, what can you tell us what we’re about to see?

DEAN: When you first enter the museum, you’ll find yourself inside the gift shop. We have coloring books for children that teaches them how to avoid using logic. Then we have audiotape programs and books for the grown-ups that help people learn to become more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t look like them. All proceeds from the museum go towards supporting our churches, which usually means providing bail bond money to priests and ministers accused of molesting children.

Noah

US: I notice the first exhibit is called Day 1 and shows pictures of stars and planets. What can you tell us about that?

DEAN: As you know, the Bible says that God created the universe on the first day, so this part of the exhibit shows how he created the solar system.

US: Does the Bible say anything about God creating other forms of life in the universe?

DEAN: No, the Bible doesn’t specifically mention extraterrestrial life, but if life does exist on other planets, then it’s only logical to assume that God created them all at the same time.

US: So if we could go back in time, we might see Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden along with E.T., Darth Vader, and My Favorite Martian?

DEAN: Yes, that is correct. If God created everything, then it’s only logical to assume that they all appeared in the Garden of Eden here on Earth.

US: Why do you have a bunch of animals in this exhibit?

DEAN: This shows the different types of animals God created. As you can see, God created the beaver and gave him transparent eyelids so he could see underwater, and flaps to cover his ears and nose when it’s underwater. That clearly shows that evolution is impossible.

US: Just because a beaver has transparent eyelids, that means evolution is impossible? Then where did evolutionists like Charles Darwin come from?

DEAN: God can create anything. That’s why we have war, suffering, poverty, torture, and mass starvation because God wants us to know that He’s loving, compassionate, and caring except for those times when He’s killing us, such as during the Flood. That’s what this next exhibit shows us, how Noah built the ark.

US: Do you really believe it’s possible for someone to load every animal in the world on a single boat?

DEAN: Of course. In fact, if God created every living creature on the same day, that means human beings and dinosaurs must have lived together at one time. So it’s only logical to assume that Noah not only saved the giraffes and elephants, but he also saved the brontosauruses, stegosauruses, and tyrannosaurus rexes on his ark too.

US: How can you fit two tyrannosaurus rexes on an ark?

DEAN: We believe that all the animals on the ark may have gone into a state of suspended animation during the entire time, which would avoid feeding and cleaning of so many animals on a boat.

US: So in other words, you believe God deliberately suspended the known laws of the universe just for the miracle of the ark to occur?

DEAN: Exactly! Are you sure you’re not already a believer?

US: If the world was completely flooded, where did all the water go when the floodwaters receded?

DEAN: All the water went back into the oceans, naturally! That’s why the oceans are so big. Of course, some of that water wound up creating the Ice Age, and that’s our next exhibit right here. You see as creationists, we believe that all animals were created perfectly the way they are and that they never needed evolution to change or adapt to their environment in any way.

US: So what does the Ice Age tell us about the history of life?

DEAN: Since the Ice Age was obviously very cold, it’s only logical that animals would have to adapt by developing heavier coats of hair and fur and even grow bigger tusks and teeth like those found in a saber tooth tiger or a wooly mammoth. If animals didn’t adapt to the cold, they obviously didn’t survive. We believe that’s when all the unicorns died off along with the dinosaurs, mermaids, and the Easter bunny, during the Ice Age.

US: This next exhibit talks about the Grand Canyon and Mount St. Helens. What’s the connection between these two events?

DEAN: What we’ve observed at Mount St. Helens is that the land surrounding the eruption created canyons that look exactly like those found in the Grand Canyon. That proves that the Grand Canyon could have been created by a volcanic eruption in less than a day. So if the Grand Canyon couldn’t possibly have formed millions of years ago, that supports our belief that nothing on the planet is older than 6,000 years old.

US: Is there any evidence of volcanic eruptions near the Grand Canyon?

DEAN: Not yet, but when we do find some, we believe the scientific evidence will point to a volcanic eruption that occurred millions of years ago, if not billions of years ago.

US: This next exhibit talks about the different religions found all over the world. What does creationism tell us about other religions?

DEAN: It tells us that we’re right and they’re wrong. I’d hate to be a Muslim or a Buddhist the day Jesus comes back and takes us all to heaven. Wouldn’t you feel stupid being left behind by Jesus just because you backed the wrong messiah?

US: Perhaps you could tell us about this next exhibit we’re looking at?

DEAN: We’re looking at the pictures of evolutionists throughout history. There’s Charles Darwin and Andrew Carnegie. All of these men are currently burning in hell for eternity for questioning the infinite love of God.

US: Do you think heaven is segregated or if I die, would I have to spend the rest of eternity sharing a room with a foreigner who smells funny?

DEAN: Heaven is perfect in all ways, so everyone is always happy there. That’s why the Bible specifically forbids killing others or taking your own life because we don’t want people to get into heaven any sooner than they have to. That’s kind of like cutting ahead of the line.

US: So when the Bible talks about God killing so many people, that’s not violating His own commandment “Thou shalt not kill?”

DEAN: When the Bible says “Thou shalt not kill”, what that really means is that you shouldn’t kill anyone who belongs to the same church. Everyone else is fair game.

US: I see clocks and pictures of molecules everywhere. What does this next exhibit talk about?

DEAN: One of the flaws of evolution is that they always rely on carbon dating to determine the age of fossils, which they claim can be millions of years old. But carbon dating is a flawed science that’s completely unreliable. That’s why we believe fossils are really only a few thousand years old.

US: And how did you determine that fossils are only a few thousand years old?

DEAN: Oh, we used carbon dating. That’s because carbon dating is the most reliable, time-tested, scientific method to accurately measure the age of any object.

US: What’s the purpose of putting pictures of Karl Marx and Adolf Hitler on the walls?

DEAN: That’s to show the consequences of evolution. You see, both communists and Nazis believe in evolution’s survival of the fittest, where the strong are allowed to kill and rule over others. If you believe in evolution, you’re indirectly supporting communists and Nazis.

US: So if you believe in creationism, does that imply support for freedom and democracy?

DEAN: Exactly! If this country would only let creationists run the government, we could invade other countries, kill all their leaders, and convert everyone to Christianity under the threat of torture and outright executions. We have to show that creationism is the stronger belief around, even if it means killing off all the weaker races and religions to prove it.

US: It looks like we’ve reached the end of the creationism museum. Thank you for the tour.

DEAN: It’s been my pleasure. I hope after seeing all of our exhibits showing the flaws of evolution, you’ve come away with a stronger sense that creationism is the only answer to how the world came about.

US: Actually after seeing people who believe in creationism, it’s hard to believe that anyone involved with this museum could possibly evolve mentally, physically, or intellectually in any way, shape, or form.

DEAN: We like to think that way too!

US: Thanks Dean. If people want to visit the Institute of Creation Research, can you tell us when they can come visit?

DEAN: The creationism museum is located at 10946 Woodside Avenue in Santee, California. They’re open six days a week, Monday through Friday from 9 am to 4 pm.

US: If there’s one thing you want people to know when they leave the creationism museum, what would that be?

DEAN: I think it would be this, “Nyah, nyah, nyah. You’re all going to burn in hell for eternity and we’re going to go straight to heaven. Ha, ha!”

An Interview with Doctor Dyslexic

If you listen to the radio, you can hear all sorts of advice shows, but you have to wonder if the people dispensing this advice on the air regularly are fully qualified to do so. Maybe these self-proclaimed advice givers should learn to follow their own advice because they could be crazier than people might realize. With that in mind, I wrote the following skit to demonstrate that not all radio advisers should be treated with respect.

HOST: Good morning. You’re listening to “The Mental Health Morning Show,” where we help you get the help you need before you have to plead temporary insanity. Our guest for today is Dr. Dyslexic, the Reverse Psychology Psychiatrist. Good morning, doctor.

DOCTOR: What do you mean by that?

HOST: Nothing at all. It’s just the standard way I greet all my guests to my show.

DOCTOR: You call all your guests Dr. Dyslexic, the Reverse Psychology Psychiatrist?

HOST: Uh, no. I meant that I always greet all my guests by saying good morning.

DOCTOR: Well next time you should choose your words more carefully. Perhaps your fear of clarity in your communication stems from a latent Oedipus complex. Did you ever find your mother attractive?

HOST: No, but I believe that my father did at one time. As many of you may know, Dr. Dyslexic is the founder and world-renown expert of reverse psychology. Doctor, for the benefit of our listeners, could you briefly explain the principles behind reverse psychology?

DOCTOR: No.

HOST: You don’t want to tell us about reverse psychology?

DOCTOR: Well, now that you put it that way, sure. Reverse psychology is the well-founded psychiatric technique where you can motivate someone towards a goal by imploring them to choose the complete opposite.

HOST: So how would you apply reverse psychology to treat a common psychosis?

DOCTOR: That’s easy. Why the other day I treated a patient who was afraid of heights. Now the standard psychiatric treatment would be to delve into that person’s past and look for the childhood incident that triggered the patient’s initial fear of heights; perhaps a painful fall occurred at an early age or the patient made a subconscious emotional connection with a traumatic incident that involved an item of extreme height, such as a ladder or a flight of stairs. But reverse psychology works much differently. To treat that person’s fear of heights, I simply dragged him to the roof of a nearby skyscraper, told him to jump, and walked away.

HOST: And that cured him of his fear of heights?

DOCTOR: I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since. After a week, I just marked him off in my appointment book as cured and sent him a bill for all the follow-up appointments he’s already missed.

HOST: I see. Reverse psychology certainly seems to be a powerful psychiatry tool in the hands of a specialist such as yourself. Now have patients ever resisted a reverse psychology treatment?

DOCTOR: That’s the beauty of reverse psychology. Unlike ordinary psychology where the patient’s fears may be repressed and buried within the subconscious for years involving subsequent probing and exploration, reverse psychology forces the patient to confront his fears right from the start.

HOST: So you’re saying that patients rarely resist a reverse psychology treatment?

DOCTOR: That’s right. In the case of my patient’s fear of heights, after I left him on the skyscraper roof, I told him that if he jumped, he’d fall thirty-six stories to his imminent death, but whether he lived or died didn’t matter to me. By the way, did I also tell you that he was suicidal?

HOST: No, you didn’t, but I’m sure that reverse psychology managed to treat both his fear of heights and suicidal tendencies at the same time. In your experience, has a reverse psychology treatment ever backfired? For example, with the man on the skyscraper, were you ever concerned that if you told him to jump that he might actually do so?

DOCTOR: Now that would be stupid. If he jumped, he would have killed himself and that would have defeated the whole psychiatric treatment now, wouldn’t it? Certainly I have to give my patients more common sense than that.

HOST: Well, you’re the doctor so you obviously know what’s best. Perhaps you could lend your expertise and suggest ways our listeners could apply reverse psychology in their own lives.

DOCTOR: Certainly. Let’s say you have a boss that you absolutely can’t stand. Ordinary psychiatry might look for an unconscious attachment you may have placed on your boss as a potential father figure. But with reverse psychology, I’d just advise the patient to go right up to their boss and punch him in the mouth.

HOST: Now wouldn’t that cause a person to risk losing his job?

DOCTOR: As a doctor, I’m interested in purely mental health issues. I can’t be expected to consider the financial or legal ramifications of someone’s actions at the same time.

HOST: Of course. Now I know that many people are unhappy in their marriage.

DOCTOR: You mean my wife?

HOST: No, no. I mean with two out of three marriages ending in divorce, is there are way that married couples might be able to apply reverse psychology to help save their marriage?

DOCTOR: Why, yes! In fact, the first thing a married couple should do is set aside some time to be alone with their spouse and list all the different aspects of their spouse’s personality that they truly enjoy.

HOST: That’s certainly sound advice that everyone can apply right away. I take it that after telling the other person what you like about them, you help both sides understand the reasons why they enjoy marriage with that particular person all these years?

DOCTOR: Oh no. That would be normal psychology but we’re talking reverse psychology here. By giving compliments to your husband or wife, you’re really letting off steam and telling that person how much you can’t stand being around them. It’s a well known fact that expressing your feelings, no matter how frightening they might appear on the surface, is an excellent way to reduce stress in your life. And may I add that reduced stress can lead to lower blood pressure, which has been scientifically proven to decrease the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and other stress-induced illnesses.

HOST: I’m sure our listeners will be anxious to put your advice into practice as soon as possible. Our time is nearly up, but before you go, could you share how reverse psychology has helped you in your own life?

DOCTOR: Certainly. Why just the other day I used reverse psychology to save time.

HOST: Oh, and how did you manage to do that?

DOCTOR: Last week a former patient sued me in court for malpractice. When the judge asked me if the charges of fraud, deception, and incompetence were true, I could have denied the charges and dragged the trial out for several months. But instead, I admitted all those charges and even volunteered a few more that my former patient had forgotten about. The judge was so impressed by my reverse psychology defense that he shaved nearly six months off my trial, which allowed the jury to reach what the judge stated was the fastest judicial decision he’s ever seen in his life. Incidentally, saving that much time from my life has allowed me to appear on your radio show today.

HOST: So would it be safe to say that reverse psychology helped bring the lawsuit against you to a swift and inevitable conclusion?

DOCTOR: Yes, indeed. By avoiding a lengthy trial, the judge could give me the five to ten years in the slammer that he said I deserved while also ordering me to pay a million dollars to each of my former patients. I would be in prison right now if I hadn’t used reverse psychology to appeal my case, but that just goes to show how you can use the power of reverse psychology in all aspects of your life.

HOST: It certainly does, and I’m sure you’ll find many ways to apply reverse psychology with the many interesting, new people you’re sure to meet in prison. You’ve been listening to Dr. Dyslexic, the Reverse Psychology Psychiatrist on “The Mental Health Morning Show,” where we believe everyone is innocent by reason of insanity until a court of law decides otherwise. Until next time, so long.

Ask a Serial Killer

For decades, people turned to Dear Abby and and Ann Landers for advice. What people don’t realize is that both columns were written by twin sisters who despised each other and refused to talk or meet for years. Taking advice from Dear Abby or Ann Landers seems questionable when those twin sisters couldn’t even repair their own fractured relationship.

If people can accept relationship advice from two sisters who hate each other, it only seems logical to take advice from other highly unqualified people so maybe it’s time to start a new syndicated column called Ask a Serial Killer.

Dear Dr. Death, I’m a withered old man with barely enough blood to pump through my desiccated veins, but I have enough money to buy any woman I want. Recently I bought a gold digging whore and attempted to placate her with four cars, a quarter of a million dollars, and her own million dollar condo, and the bitch still turned on me. What should I do?

— Donald Sterling

Dear Donald Sterling, I’d kill the bitch. Obviously money can’t buy her loyalty and you’ve already expended enough cash on her to pay off the national debt of Venezuela so there’s no point in throwing good money after bad.

What I’d do is entice her to your place under the promise of another wad of cash you want to drop in her sweaty palms. Then when she arrives, lock her inside a sound-proof roof and beat her senseless with a baseball bat. Make sure you don’t knock her out with the first blow because you want the bitch to suffer immensely.

Of course, make a plan to dispose of the body. Just don’t make killing indiscriminate and random. It’s always best to target people you have a personal beef against although that also greatly increases your risk of getting caught. However, that makes killing so much more enjoyable when you can wipe out someone you personally know.

Hope you and your gold digging whore can settle things to your satisfaction and not hers because it seems obvious that she’s been given enough and still won’t be satisfied so there’s no point in trying any more.

 

Dear Dr. Death, For the past few years, I’ve had to exhibit extreme willpower to avoid gagging every time my “boyfriend” calls and wants to go out with me again. I use the term “boyfriend” in quotation marks because although he’s technically my boyfriend, I have no feelings of love for him whatsoever since he’s easily several decades older than me so having sex with him is like having sex with my grandmother’s mothballs in my closet when I was growing up.

Despite him buying me four cars and handing me enough cash to pay off the national debt of Venezuela, it’s all I can do to paste a phony smile on my face every time I have to get near his desiccated body that looks like the remains after Satan has sucked out the soul like eating a watermelon from the inside out.

The only reason I stay with my “boyfriend” is for the cash since it’s easier to spread my legs and take off my clothes to make a fortune rather than actually having to work for the same amount of money on my own.

My question is should I leave my “boyfriend” since he disgusts me so much or should I find a new, younger, and possibly even richer boy friend who I might actually enjoy having sex with every night?

— Gold Digging Whore

Dear Gold Digging Whore, I’d kill your disgusting “boyfriend” because if you kill him and get him out of your life, you could probably wind up with a fat inheritance and you would no longer have to lower yourself to having sex with a man whose private parts have been mummified for so long that they should be on display at the Egyptian national museum.

The next time your “boyfriend” asks you over, make sure you stay out of any sound-proof rooms and then if he’s holding any object such as a baseball bat, pry it out of his shriveled hands first and beat him senseless. Make sure the first blow totally takes him out because you want to get the killing over with as soon as possible.

The joy of killing sometimes is less in the pleasure of action and more in the speed of disposal. Knowing that his body is forever out of your life can be far more enjoyable than relishing the pain you inflict on him in the process of killing him. So feel free to kill him as quickly as possible and make it look like an accident by crying over his dead body when the police arrive.

Of course, make sure you peek at his will beforehand to make sure your name appears in the most prominent places. (You may need the advice of a lawyer.) As long as your “boyfriend” is dead, you’ll be able to truly live the life you’ve always dreamed about without the encumbrances of someone who simply disgusts you while paying all of your bills and providing you with a luxurious life you could never earn on your own. Good luck!

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