The Confederate Flag Debate

During the American Civil War, the Confederacy tried to leave the Union. In the process, they fought the Union armies and killed thousands of Americans, which is more than ISIS, Al Qaeda, and the Taliban have killed combined. So that means instead of worrying about Muslim terrorists attacking the United States, we should really be worried about Southern white people attacking and killing innocent Americans instead.

First, we should invoke tough immigration laws since most Southern white people’s ancestors come from Europe, so let’s shut down our borders and deport all Southern white people out of this country and back to where they belong in Finland, Norway, France, Sweden, and England. Obviously it doesn’t matter how long they’ve lived here. They’re not real Americans so they need to go back to where they came from, even if they didn’t come from there.

Second, the Confederate flag represents an army that lost, so if southern state capitols feel the need to fly the Confederate flag, then the state capitols in all the original thirteen colonies should be flying the British flag to commemorate the British loss in the Revolutionary War.

Third, the Confederate flag represents states that supported slavery. So if Southern states want to relive the days of slavery, they’re more than welcome to work in sweat shops in New York and Los Angeles so they can relive the good old days when people worked just to survive one day longer.

Some people say that the Confederate flag represents pride for a region of the country that has the highest poverty levels, the lowest education levels, and a history of violent discrimination against blacks, so it’s easy to see why Southerners would be particularly proud of those accomplishments.

If the South truly wants to boast about their accomplishments, perhaps they need to show the rest of the country how to eliminate poverty, boost education, and treat others who are different to create a stable and thriving economy. If they could do that, then that could justify flying the Confederate flag.

Of course, they won’t do that because that takes effort, intelligence, and a willingness to change their current way of thinking, so in that regard, they’re no different than Northerners running Washington D.C.

You Owe Me a Job

If you have an e-mail address, you’ve probably received dozens of messages from Nigerian oil ministers or American soldiers in other countries who have miraculously stumbled across millions of dollars and need just you to help them transfer the funds to your bank account.

The people running those scams are amateurs. I have a plan to swindle far more people on a daily basis and still hold my head up high as a valued member of society. If you’re interested, you can be part of my new movement called You Owe Me a Job.

This is how it works. Come to me for four years and pay five figures a year in return for my wisdom that I’ll impart upon you, and that wisdom will be giving you lots of free time to party, get drunk, get laid, and have fun.

After four years of sitting in boring classes taught by teachers who have little real world experience making money from their own knowledge, I’ll print up a piece of paper with your name on it with the following letters printed in fancy Old English calligraphy, and this is what that headline of this piece of paper will say:

You Owe Me a Job

All you have to do is hand that piece of paper to any company where you want to work, and that company is supposed to be so impressed that you have a piece of paper with your name on it that they should instantly give you a high paying job based on the four years of knowledge you supposedly accumulated at my organization.

If you want to make even more money, you can come back to my organization for another two to four years and I’ll hand you a second or third piece of paper with your name on it that also has the headline in Old English calligraphy that reads:

You Owe Me a Job, Ph.D.

The more pieces of paper you have that say “You Owe Me a Job,” the more likely a company will have to hire you and grant you a huge salary. Of course, to get these pieces of paper, I suggest you take out more loans than you can possibly pay back within a lifetime, but what does it matter if in return you get an actual piece of paper that tells potential employers, “You Owe Me a Job.”

So the basic idea is that you pay a lot of money to party for four years and have fun, then attend classes learning trivial topics, and in the end you get a piece of paper that you can present to others stating “You Owe Me a Job.”

It’s that simple! And it works (except when it doesn’t, which is most of the time). Don’t bother starting your own business. Don’t worry about learning skills that could help you actually produce results for others. All you need to be successful in life is to have at least one piece of paper with your name on it that you can hand to others stating “You Owe Me a Job.”

By the way, did I mention my special alumni program where people I ripped off (I mean educated) turn around, get jobs and give even more money to my organization so they can feel good about the sports teams I’ll organize?

I’ll make money from broadcasting and licensing rights from my sports teams and in return, you get nothing but a warm fuzzy feeling that can last a lifetime, knowing that you support a sports team from an organization that could care less about your existence other than asking for money from time to time. And all you get in return is a pice of paper you can frame and show to others that says “You Owe Me a Job.”

Those are the most powerful and persuasive words on the face of the planet. Now isn’t that worth going into debt for life to have for yourself?

Keep the Federal Government Out of Our Lives

One of the more common themes you’ll find from conservatives is the idea that the Federal government has too much control. The right-wing wants the Federal government to butt out of state control over education, religion, and discrimination. That way the states can educate people the way they want (keep them ignorant) allow religion to freely flourish (as long as it’s not a religion they don’t like), and pass laws to allow them to discriminate against anyone they choose (especially gays).

So if states want the Federal government to butt out of their lives, how come these same states like the Federal government spending billions every year building weapons, maintaining military bases, and researching every more effective ways to kill people we don’t like?

Certainly if states don’t like the Federal government telling them they can’t discriminate against gays and lesbians, they should also be fighting against a Federally-controlled military-industrial complex too, right?

Imagine if the Federal government butted out of the military. States would be forced to organize and equip their own militias. Without Federal money, the individual states would never be able to afford expensive aircraft carriers, billion dollar stealth fighter jets designed to combat a threat that isn’t likely to happen, or waste money building nuclear missiles that can blow up the world a thousand times over.

Instead, states would be forced to keep their militias at home so American soldiers wouldn’t be sent overseas to invade countries in a pre-emptive strike that will turn out to be based on faulty intelligence, not to mention the immoral idea that attacking other countries is a valid defensive strategy.

Without Federal money, states would never have hundreds of military bases around the world with troops stationed there, wasting Federal money that could be better spent building our infrastructure at home like roads, bridges, schools, and hospitals.

Perhaps the right wing has a point. If we got rid of all our Federally-funded programs that prop up the military and defense contractors while bankrupting the nation and impoverishing its own citizens, states and their population might really be better off.

So how come states aren’t arguing to reduce Federal spending on the military? After all, they do want the Federal government to butt out of their lives, right?

A Way to Balance the Budget

Every year, Congress complains that they can’t balance the budget while they spend taxpayer money on their own luxury trips around the world, hiring mistresses as private secretaries, and funnel government contracts to friends and relatives while complaining that serving the public is somehow a hardship.

Since the recent Pacquiao/Mayweather fight recently earned close to half a billion dollars, the answer to balancing the budget by raising money is clear. Have pay-per view broadcasts of Congressmen beating the living daylights out of each other.

If Congressmen (and women) are serious about doing everything they can to serve this country, then risking skull fractures, concussions, and broken jaws should be an available option for them as well. Put two Congressmen in a ring and let them beat each other to a bloody pulp. Now regardless of who wins, the public will at least get their money’s worth, the money from pay-per view can go towards balancing the budget, and everyone gets to see their favorite Congressmen get beaten to a pulp live on TV.

To make the action even more exciting, make the fight last until one Congressman is knocked unconscious. To prevent faking injuries, allow the victor to designate a member of the public to rape the unconscious Congressman in the boxing ring after the fight. This will insure that neither Congressman will have an incentive to take a dive to the canvas and end the fight earlier to avoid physical pummeling.

Congressmen say they’re interested in serving the public, so let’s take them at their word and see how interested they are in getting their nose broken to help balance the budget. If they’re not willing to shed a little of their own blood to help make this country better, then obviously they’re not really interested in serving the public. In which case they should be kicked out of office and have their taxpayer funded pension and health care stripped away from them and given to a citizen chosen at random. After all, why should Congressmen get the benefits of taxpayer-funded pensions and health care when the taxpayers themselves don’t get similar benefits?

Perhaps if watching two Congressmen beat each other to a pulp on live TV proves profitable, we could expand this program to include international politicians as well. As long as the only people getting hurt are politicians, that will be a definite improvement from the way the system works by hurting taxpayers today.

The Pro-Life Mindset

Abortion is murder. That’s the basic idea behind the pro-life movement. If you accept that a fetus, at the time of conception, is a living creature and abortion takes a human life, then you’re firmly in the pro-life side of understanding that abortion is murder.

Yet while pro-life advocates protect unborn fetuses because they want to respect the sanctity of life, where were all the pro-life advocates when a white police officer shot and killed an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri?

After all, an unarmed black teenager represents life just as much as an unborn fetus. Whether the black teenager committed a crime or attacked the police officer is irrelevant. What matters is that he was alive and the white police officer, for whatever reason, was responsible for killing him. That’s taking a life just as much as aborting an unborn fetus.

You also never saw pro-life advocates protesting the Vietnam War when F-4 Phantom jets were spraying napalm on villages filled with men, women, and children who had no idea what was going on. Obviously men, women, and children in Vietnamese villages are forms of human life just like unborn fetuses, so where were the pro-life advocates then?

Whenever there’s war, death penalties, and police shootings, the pro-life advocates fail to come out in force to protect the sanctity of life. So based on their actions, the answer is clear. Abortion can be morally acceptable if we just classify unborn fetuses as communist, non-Christian, minorities. Now we can slaughter as many fetuses in abortion clinics and pro-life advocates, based on their past actions, should be happy.

Forget about using a scalpel to scrape out a fetus in an abortion. Let’s spray napalm in those uteruses and root out those fetuses like communist villagers in Vietnam.

Don’t even think of taking pills to prevent pregnancy when you can using a fire squad to kill an unborn fetus like a prisoner on death row.  We don’t need abortion clinics to wipe out generations of fetuses. We just need to send in the Marines to blow up everything that could keep a fetus alive. After all, that’s what we did in Iraq and pro-life advocates didn’t seem to mind watching cruise missiles, live on CNN, blowing up buildings in Baghdad and killing untold numbers of innocent civilians caught in the crossfire.

If pro-life advocates want to stop abortions because it’s murder, then they should also stop war, the death penalty, and police shootings for the same reason. It’s murder to take a human life, so let’s get all those pro-life advocates together and after they get done bombing an abortion clinic, we can get them to use their bomb-making skills and gunnery skills to mow down innocent people in the Middle East and in our own backyards where poor minorities live in neighborhoods condemned to poverty.

After all, life is precious whether it’s in the form of a fetus, a poor minority, a non-Christian, or someone living in another country that happens to have natural resources that our multinational corporations want to exploit.

I’m sure even pro-life advocates would agree with me on this one. Provided, of course, that they’re actually pro-life.

Religious Freedom vs. Discrimination

Indiana’s governor Mike Pence recently signed a bill (in privacy away from the scrutiny of the media) that protects the right of individuals for religious freedom. That’s great news because that means the Taliban, al-Qaida, and ISIS can now move to Indiana, force everyone to submit to Sharia law, and have full and complete protection from government intrusion under this new religious freedom law.

Perhaps we can even get Boko Haram involved so they can move to Indiana, kidnap hundreds of schoolgirls, sell them into sex slavery while forcing others to become the sex slaves of Boko Haram fighters all under the protection of religious freedom. After all, we wouldn’t want to think Indiana discriminates against Boka Haram because all they want to do is practice their form of religion free from government intrusion.

With the Taliban, al-Qaida, ISIS, and Boko Haram taking over Indiana by shooting men, kidnapping women, and recruiting young children to join their ranks, Indiana’s governor Mike Pence should be more than pleased that he’s allowing religious freedom to protect these groups from government interference. After all, why should the government control what people can say or do when historically religions have been doing that for years?

Perhaps the Mormons can move to Indiana too and start practicing bigamy, which the United States government had earlier forced the Mormons to stop practicing. That’s definitely a clear case of government intrusion into the lives of people who just want religious freedom.

The Ku Klux Klan also practiced their own twisted form of Christianity to justify terrorizing blacks in the South. The burning cross is merely a symbol of Christianity so the KKK should be free to burn crosses on everyone’s lawns in the name of religious freedom.

With so many groups currently banned from practicing their full beliefs until now, Indiana will soon become a religious mecca of complete freedom from government interference. Maybe when the government admits they have no right to interfere with religious freedom, we can even make it legal for the Jehovah Witnesses to visit Mike Pence in Indiana. After a long session talking to a Jehovah Witness, even Mike Pence might want to think twice about granting religious freedom to others without government oversight whatsoever.

Are You a Prostitute?

Are you working with prostitutes? Unless you’re actually walking the streets in fishnet stockings and high heels, chances are most people will say no. Then again, if you look at the definition of a prostitute, the answer is more likely to be yes. the only difference is that the prostitutes you see at work are far uglier and less likely to get you sexually aroused just by looking at them.

At the most literal level, a prostitute is someone who exchanges sex for money, so that pretty much covers at least half of all marriages on the planet with a high percentage of prostitutes marrying politicians, professional athletes, and celebrities. If you go by the strict definition of a prostitute, chances are good you’re not working with any.

However if you avoid the literal definition and consider the concept, chances are good you are working with prostitutes. A prostitute is someone who does something just for the money, so that pretty much covers 90 percent of your co-workers. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see if that covers you too.

Prostitutes in the workplace typically want to make money fast by doing as little as possible, so that covers most union workers and executives right there. The typical characteristic of a prostitute is someone who:

  • Just wants money
  • Cares only for themselves
  • Willing to do what it takes for the money

Using that definition of a prostitute, you can see that practically every workplace is riddled with prostitutes. Instead of wearing short skirts and too much make up, most workplace prostitutes are parading around in standard business clothes, working in a job they don’t like, and tolerating it because they just want the money so they can use it to do what they really want to do, which in many cases is to go see a real prostitute.

If you’re stuck in a job you don’t like that doesn’t fill you with passion and a sense of purpose, guess what? You’re probably a prostitute just showing up for the paycheck and health benefits and doing as little as possible to earn your paycheck. If you don’t want to be a prostitute, then here’s what you need to do.

First, find something you’d be willing to do without being paid for it. By choosing something you love, you’ll increase the chance that you’ll be good at it.

Second, find a way to take what you love and provide a service or product to others. If you love what you’re doing, it will be easy to promote your service or product to others. Based on your passion and enthusiasm, they may likely be swayed to buy from you. The more people buy from you, the more money you’ll make doing something you enjoy doing anyway.

The next time you go to work, first look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re the prostitute. If so, then it’s time to find a way to live life beyond just sacrificing your life for a paycheck. If sacrificing your dreams for money is your idea of a worthwhile goal, you might as well start walking the streets and servicing every scummy character who gives you money to perform unnatural sex acts with them.

If you’re not truly enjoying your work, you’re already a prostitute so you might as well go all the way and start exchanging sex with strangers too. What have you got to lose if you’ve already sacrificed your dignity and self-respect for money?

 

The Importance of Jobs

Listen to most politicians and they seem most concerned with creating jobs. The main purpose of the Keystone XL pipeline is to create jobs, regardless of the environmental issues and whether we need the pipeline to transport tar sand oil in the first place. When politicians argue for greater defense spending to build nuclear missiles that cost billions and will never be used, they justify it because it creates jobs. When they want to relax environmental regulations it’s because it costs companies jobs.

Since creating jobs is so vitally important to politicians, why not create jobs by hiring people to watch the politicians? One group of citizens can be hired to make sure politicians don’t sleep with their interns. Another can track politicians to make sure they don’t visit prostitutes. Still another group can follow politicians around all day long to make sure they don’t use illegal drugs or have affairs with other women because that would violate the family values so many politicians love to parade out every election year.

We could also hire people to check into every politician’s statements to see if they lied like Brian Williams did when he claimed he was in a helicopter that got hit when it really did not. More people could be hired to check if politicians are accepting bribes or violating the spirit of democracy by accepting kickbacks and granting favors to friends. Citizens can also be hired to check if politicians are giving jobs to friends and relatives that pay extremely well for doing nothing but soaking the taxpayers.

As you can see, there are plenty of ways politicians can create jobs by simply hiring people to make sure the politicians are actually morally and ethically upstanding like they pretend to be. That alone could create enough jobs for the entire nation and eliminate unemployment forever in this great nation of ours.

So if politicians are serious about creating jobs, this is the answer. The fact that politicians won’t embrace the idea of hiring an army of people to monitor them shows that they’re really not concerned about creating jobs anyway, but if you had just a smidgin of intelligence, you probably already knew that.

Reclassifying the Homeless as Weapons Systems

Every year politicians complain that they can’t afford to help the poor. Yet every year politicians never seem to have a problem voting themselves pay raises or spending government money on billion dollar weapons systems just because they’ll create jobs in their districts.

Since the government always seems to have money for weapons but never seems to have enough money for the poor, the answer is simple. We need to reclassify homeless people as weapons delivery systems.

This country currently spends billions of dollars building and maintaining ICBMs, nuclear submarines, and B-52/B-1 bombers armed with nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Amazingly, the purpose of these billion dollar systems is to scare enemies so we never have to use them at all. So that’s the secret for helping the homeless.

Just as terrorists use suicide bombers to terrorize governments, so should governments recruit homeless people to become suicide bombers. The goal, of course, is not to actually use them but to maintain them as a credible threat against an adversary. If ISIS or al-Qaeda thinks they can terrorize us by sending a suicide bomber into a shopping mall, guess what? We can retaliate by sending our own suicide bomber into a Middle Eastern market and terrorize their people as well.

By reclassifying homeless people as weapons delivery systems, our government will suddenly have plenty of money to house, feed, and medically care for all the homeless people in the nation. We can get them off the street, get them the medical and psychiatric care that they need, and help turn many of them back into productive members of society.

Housing and caring for homeless suicide bombers would also create jobs, so the politicians can get behind it. After all, someone needs to build housing for the poor, cook food for all these hungry mouths, and provide medical care to make sure our weapons systems are in top physical condition to carry out their mission if necessary.

Best of all, we never even have to send any of these homeless people into combat as suicide bombers. We just have to threaten to use them and let other countries know we have them ready just in case. It’s the same deterrent system that we use with nuclear weapons only on a smaller scale. The goal is to spend as much as possible on weapons we never plan to use.

Think of the self-esteem and ego boost homeless people will suddenly get knowing that they’re considered patriots that other people acknowledge and accept. As weapons delivery systems, homeless people will get a fresh start to change their lives for the better, and all it takes is for our government to see them as a defensive asset rather than an annoying liability of unfair and unjust economic policies that favor the rich.

Turning homeless people into weapons is the only solution. The government will have no problems finding funding, society will support it as long as it creates jobs, and even the homeless people will embrace this new program to boost their self-esteem.

Just don’t tell the Russians, Chinese, or Middle Eastern terrorist groups what we’re planning to do. The last thing we need is a homeless weapon system arms race on our hands.

The Poor Have It Easy

According to the latest survey by  the Pew Research Center, 54% of those with the greatest financial security believe that “poor people today have it easy because they can get government benefits without doing anything in return.”

To test this theory, let’s chat with two men both named Tom. Tom A. lives off a trust fund from the millions his great-grandfather earned while developing the railroads in this country that exploited immigrants. Tom B. makes minimum wage working at a fast food restaurant, takes the bus to work, and lives in a tiny apartment with his wife and three kids. Let’s see which one has the easier life as we go through a typical day with the two Toms.

Every morning, Tom A. has to suffer the agonizing decision on how to spend his time. Not having a job or needing to go to school, Tom A.’s toughest decision every month is when to cash his monthly trust fund check. To top it off, sometimes he has to wait in the bank line up to ten minutes! That keeps Tom A. from lounging in the coffee shops where he can hang out with his friends, try to pick up women, and surf the Internet on his latest tablet and smartphone that he uses to check on his stock portfolio to see how many thousands of dollars he made or lost in the stock market. What a tough life!

On the other hand, Tom B. has it so much easier. After four hours of sleep, Tom B. wakes up after a night working as a security guard in a warehouse, earning minimum wage. Now he has to rush to the bus stop (subsidized by taxpayer money), wait up to 15 minutes in the cold for the crowded bus to arrive, then ride 30 minutes to a fast food restaurant that serves breakfast. Once at work, Tom B. has to work another eight hour shift at minimum wage so the combination of his two job incomes can pay his rent, his food, and second-hand clothes for his children. He never has enough money to take a vacation or buy his children anything but the most inexpensive toys for Christmas. To make matters worse, Tom B. even has the gall to accept food stamps to feed his family, and even accepts government cheese! What a freeloader!

In the afternoon, Tom A. finishes dining in the finest restaurants, living comfortably off his trust fund income that generates more money than his expenses, but that doesn’t stop Tom A. from trying! Last month he bought a Lamborghini for $250,000, got drunk, and promptly wrecked it by crashing into a telephone pole. He actually had to pay for a replacement Lamborghini out of his own pocket because his insurance company refused to cover accidents created by drunk driving. Every time Tom A. sees a public bus rumble down the street, he sighs with envy, knowing that all of those people inside only had to pay a minimal fee to ride the bus every day while Tom A. has to drive his Lamborghini himself, park it, and even pay for his own gas. Life is so unfair.

While Tom A. drives aimlessly around town in his Lamborghini, Tom B. barely takes a ten minute break before rushing back to work again. At the end of the day, he gets to wait another fifteen minutes for the bus to pick him up and take him back home. While Tom B. was working in the fast food restaurant, his children went to public school (another free perk courtesy of the rich taxpayers), located in a poor neighborhood near Tom B.’s apartment. There the children had to deal with indifferent teachers (paid for by taxpayer money), get to class past school gangs selling drugs and carrying weapons, and if they get good grades and work hard, their substandard education from a mediocre school district will reward them with an automatic rejection from almost any college in America because they simply won’t be prepared for schooling beyond the fifth grade, despite their apparent high school diploma. Tom B.’s children can then look forward to a future of minimum wage, manual labor, probably working at two jobs like Tom B. does just to get by every month. Look how easy their life is in comparison! Tom B.’s life is perfectly planned. He has to work at two jobs every day, six days a week. On the other hand, Tom A. doesn’t have to work at all, yet must spend each day in agonizing turmoil as he must decide whether to drive the Lamborghini, the Maserati, or just stay home in his mansion and swim in his Olympic size swimming pool. Too many choices! The poor obviously have it much easier!

As the day ends, Tom A. is simply overwhelmed. His days seem to drift off into the ether with little accomplished and nothing achieved beyond idle leisure either at home or on his occasional trips overseas where he flies first-class to visit cities like Paris, Beijing, London, Sydney, and Bombay just to alleviate his boredom with his life. How Tom A. longs for the rigid, strict schedule that Tom B. must follow that’s such an easier intellectual ordeal that involves no thinking whatsoever!

As Tom B.’s day ends, he has little time for leisure as he must rush to his second job as the night watchman. This means spending little time with his children so they wound up raising themselves with he help of their friends and the neighborhood street gangs that will likely initiate them into a life of crime, prostitution, drug dealing, human trafficking, and assassination. Then when Tom B.’s children inevitably get caught by the police, they’ll enjoy a care-free life in a maximum security prison where they’ll get free health care, free food, and even a bed to sleep in at night, all without having to work for it! The unfairness of this situation greatly annoys Tom A. as he mulls over all the ways the poor have it much easier than his own life as he jet sets around the world, paying for his own illicit drugs, and bedding women from around the world who are only attracted to his easy money that he throws around everywhere he goes.

Now by comparing the lives of Tom A. (the rich one) and Tom B. (the poor one), it’s obvious that the poor have it much easier than the rich. What can we do to rebalance this inequality? Let’s start by cutting all government assistance to the poor, forcing the poor to work as slaves, and rounding up the poor into slums like they do in Brazil where they can live among the trash heaps teaming with disease-carrying rats. The poor don’t know how well off they really have it. If Tom A. and his friends had it their way, he would make the poor work as indentured servants to people like himself for the rest of their lives. It’s the least the poor can do to alleviate the pain and suffering that the rich go through every day.

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