What To Do About the Detroit Bankruptcy

(Originally published in The Detroit News on November 1, 2013)

On July 18, 2013, Detroit became the largest American city to declare bankruptcy, although the city continued receiving pre-approved credit card offers that promised to consolidate debt with an interest free transfer of all unpaid balances.

In the same year that Detroit declared bankruptcy, the United States government had spent an estimated $1.4 trillion dollars over the past decade to fund the ongoing war in Afghanistan and Iraq. So that got me thinking. For the cost of $1.4 trillion dollars, the United States has little to show for rebuilding war-torn regions like Baghdad and Kabul. Most Iraqi and Afghanistan buildings have been bombed and burned out so often that they resemble the Packard Automotive plant on a good day.

So to save the Federal government money and help Detroit at the same time, I propose that Detroit declare war on the United States.

Now before you shoot down this idea as impractical, think about the benefits. Instead of spending American taxpayer money to rebuild Third World countries that hate us, we could spend American taxpayer money right here in the United States on American-born citizens who hate us. What a concept!

Even better, $1.4 trillion dollars would go a long way towards fixing all those potholes on the Lodge freeway, which often looks like it’s been hit by multiple mortar shells, just like most roads in Iraq and Afghanistan.

All Detroit has to do is declare war on the United States, order all of their troops to run away, and wait for the American military to march proudly down the streets to announce Mission Accomplished!

With hostilities officially ended between Detroit and the United States, Detroit would then be eligible to receive rebuilding funds given through no-bid contracts to major government contractors like Haliberton and Blackwater.

Naturally, a large percentage of those rebuilding funds would mysteriously disappear into the pockets of government officials not named Kwame Kilpatrick, but at least that money would still be helping corrupt American city officials instead of lining the pockets of corrupt foreign government officials.

The real benefit would come when government contractors and private security forces tried to deal with the rampant crime rate throughout the city. If Blackwater security officials thought creating safe zones in the middle of Baghdad seemed impossible, think what a challenge it would be for private security guards to subdue Eight Mile on a Friday night at the beginning of a three-day weekend.

For years afterwards, military personal could swap their favorite war stories about the days they served in Detroit, trying to rebuild the city amidst government corruption, rampant violence, and a total break down of law and order. And then they could talk about their days after Detroit declared war on the United States as well.

When Governor Rick Snyder claimed that bankruptcy was the only choice to save Detroit, he obviously wasn’t thinking outside of the box. There’s another option besides bankruptcy, and a far less expensive one too.

Declaring war against the United States would benefit Detroit enormously due to the massive amounts of funding the American government always pours into rebuilding their defeated enemies. If the success of Japan is any indication, Detroit could one day emerge from a lost war with the United States and become an economic powerhouse once more.Like Japan, maybe Detroit could even start making better cars that people around the world would actually want to buy too.

Yes, the future for Detroit doesn’t need to focus on the gloom and humiliation of being the largest American city to declare bankruptcy or having the only NFL football team to go 0-16 in a season.

Despite Governor Rick Snyder’s claim, there are other choices to save Detroit and declaring war on the United States definitely looks like the best proposal everyone should consider.

Who knows? If Detroit loses a war with the United States and manages to re-emerge economically stronger than before, maybe there will still be chance that we can save Cleveland.


The Case for Racial Profiling

On November 1, 2013, a gunman brought a rifle and a hundred rounds of ammunition to Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) and started shooting. While this senseless act ended in tragedy for one TSA agent, the moment CNN showed a picture of the perpetrator on TV, it confirmed what I had known all along. The suspect was a non-African-American.

Think about it. The LAX shooter was a non-African-American, the nutcase who shot up that movie theater in Colorado was a non-African-American, the Boston Marathon bombers were both non-African-Americans, even all the villains who fight against Batman are all non-African-Americans. Coincidence? I think not.

If you just look at who commits the majority of the most heinous crimes in this country, a large percentage of them are always non-African-Americans. It’s not just serious crime in the United States where non-African-Americans dominate, but also international crimes against humanity as well.

What do Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Kim Jon Un, and Donald Trump have in common? Besides being dictators who terrorized others with their verbal bullying, they’re all non-African-Americans.

With so many known criminals throughout history clearly identified as non-African-American, it’s time we justify racial profiling as a legitimate form of crime prevention by discriminating solely against all non-African-Americans.

You can’t trust non-African-Americans because if they’re not robbing you through misleading mortgage loan documentation at Bank of America and J.P. Morgan, or stripping you of your life savings through questionable investment advice from companies like Bear Stearns, their very presence is enough to drive down property values and make you feel physically unsafe wherever they go.

The other day a non-African-American even had the gall to stroll leisurely on to my property and approach my front door. By invoking the clearly stated wording of those Stand Your Ground Laws, I shot the threatening non-African-American with my Taser.

Of course, it turned out he was just the UPS man trying to deliver another pack of rechargeable batteries for my stun guns, but I stood my ground and when he dared to continue walking towards me, I let him have it with 50,000 volts of electricity.

I even noticed that another non-African-American kept driving by my house in a suspicious manner, stopping at every house in my neighborhood as if casing his next target. So to protect myself, I loaded a shotgun with rock salt and let him have both barrels the next time I saw him drive by. I didn’t get his license plate, but he hasn’t been back since. Strangely enough, I haven’t received any mail this past week either, but that’s probably because the mailman must be afraid of driving through any neighborhood filled with so many non-African-Americans who might shoot at him at any moment.

You know those non-African-Americans just love to shoot and kill each other, and then sing sickening songs glorifying their violence towards their fellow non-African-Americans with titles like “Over There,” “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary,” and “Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit Bag.”

With the long historical evidence clearly showing how non-African-Americans behave towards so many innocent people, only a brainless idiot would think that racial profiling against non-African-Americans wouldn’t bring down the crime rate dramatically. If we simply deported every non-African-American from the country, we could return this great land of ours back to its original, pristine condition when Triceratops and Brontosauruses could freely roam through amber waves of grain from sea to shining sea without the threat of being accosted by non-African-Americans trying to turn them into another one of their baby mamas.

In fact, if scientists ever discover the reason why the dinosaurs disappeared, I’d bet that the culprit will be another non-African-American. If that doesn’t justify the case for racial profiling, then I don’t know what will.

Why the NFL is a Non-Profit Organization

On October 31, 2013, the Seattle Times asked if people thought that the NFL, which rakes in billions of dollars every year from taxpayer-funded city stadiums that earn them a fortune in television broadcasting rights, should still be a non-profit organization. Well over 96 percent of the people said that the NFL should be stripped of its non-profit status, so you know what that means. When the majority of the people want something that goes against government and big business self-interests, the minority who profit from government inaction always wins. That’s what democracy is all about.

When you think about it, why should the NFL lose its non-profit status? After all, they don’t spend their own money building multimillion dollar stadiums. The taxpayers fund those stadiums to help their poor football teams who can barely afford to pay their coaches multi-million dollar salaries while ignoring critical city infrastructure like maintaining roads, bridges, water systems, electricity grids along with providing police and fire protection.

What’s more important? Watching a bunch of multi-millionaires playing football, or having your taxes actually going to making your city a better place to live? I rest my case.

Why do people expect billionaire football team owners to spend their own money building lavish new football stadiums when the taxpayers can be forced to fund the cost instead? If the taxpayers don’t want their tax money to flow directly into the pockets of billionaires who make more in one football game from TV broadcasting rights than most people earn in a lifetime, then they should stop watching football and start watching that other silly game called football where people try to kick a black and white ball into a net the size of Ethiopia, and still fail to score many points. The choice is yours.

Forcing taxpayers to pay the expenses of building and maintaining a football stadium for private interests to profit from is just common sense. They say that adversity develops character, so what better way to create character in the common people than to tax them heavily to build stadiums, and then charge them outrageous amounts to get into the very same stadium that their taxpayer money helped build in the first place?

Nothing can bring a family together faster than attending a single football game that has no relevance to the playoff picture. When your average family has to save up all year so they can blow a few hundred dollars in one day on tickets to bad seats, hot dogs filled with questionable meat, drinks watered down with substances you actually hope was made from clean water, and football jersey souvenirs with the names of their favorite player who has yet to get arrested for illegal drug use or murder, those are the types of memories that people can treasure forever.

Even better, they can relive those cheerful memories when bill collectors call every week, reminding them that the money they spent on going to a football game meant that they neglected to pay their other bills for food, rent, and clothing. You can bet those billionaire football team owners, sitting in the comfort of luxury skyboxes that they never paid for, can never get to reminisce with their families about character-building experiences like that.

As long as the NFL continues earning billions on the backs of taxpayer-subsidized public facilities that are closed to the actual public unless they pay extra to get in, why shouldn’t the NFL maintain their non-profit status? Government has no place in regulating the activities of big business, especially if those activities run counter to the ability to generate massive profits while someone else gets stuck paying all the major expenses.

In fact, the Federal government should apply for non-profit status themselves. That way we can all cheer when our favorite Congressman taxes us some more while pocketing taxpayer money for their own self-interests. Come to think of it, maybe the government is a non-profit organization already.