The Case for Racial Profiling

On November 1, 2013, a gunman brought a rifle and a hundred rounds of ammunition to Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) and started shooting. While this senseless act ended in tragedy for one TSA agent, the moment CNN showed a picture of the perpetrator on TV, it confirmed what I had known all along. The suspect was a non-African-American.

Think about it. The LAX shooter was a non-African-American, the nutcase who shot up that movie theater in Colorado was a non-African-American, the Boston Marathon bombers were both non-African-Americans, even all the villains who fight against Batman are all non-African-Americans. Coincidence? I think not.

If you just look at who commits the majority of the most heinous crimes in this country, a large percentage of them are always non-African-Americans. It’s not just serious crime in the United States where non-African-Americans dominate, but also international crimes against humanity as well.

What do Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Kim Jon Un, and Donald Trump have in common? Besides being dictators who terrorized others with their verbal bullying, they’re all non-African-Americans.

With so many known criminals throughout history clearly identified as non-African-American, it’s time we justify racial profiling as a legitimate form of crime prevention by discriminating solely against all non-African-Americans.

You can’t trust non-African-Americans because if they’re not robbing you through misleading mortgage loan documentation at Bank of America and J.P. Morgan, or stripping you of your life savings through questionable investment advice from companies like Bear Stearns, their very presence is enough to drive down property values and make you feel physically unsafe wherever they go.

The other day a non-African-American even had the gall to stroll leisurely on to my property and approach my front door. By invoking the clearly stated wording of those Stand Your Ground Laws, I shot the threatening non-African-American with my Taser.

Of course, it turned out he was just the UPS man trying to deliver another pack of rechargeable batteries for my stun guns, but I stood my ground and when he dared to continue walking towards me, I let him have it with 50,000 volts of electricity.

I even noticed that another non-African-American kept driving by my house in a suspicious manner, stopping at every house in my neighborhood as if casing his next target. So to protect myself, I loaded a shotgun with rock salt and let him have both barrels the next time I saw him drive by. I didn’t get his license plate, but he hasn’t been back since. Strangely enough, I haven’t received any mail this past week either, but that’s probably because the mailman must be afraid of driving through any neighborhood filled with so many non-African-Americans who might shoot at him at any moment.

You know those non-African-Americans just love to shoot and kill each other, and then sing sickening songs glorifying their violence towards their fellow non-African-Americans with titles like “Over There,” “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary,” and “Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit Bag.”

With the long historical evidence clearly showing how non-African-Americans behave towards so many innocent people, only a brainless idiot would think that racial profiling against non-African-Americans wouldn’t bring down the crime rate dramatically. If we simply deported every non-African-American from the country, we could return this great land of ours back to its original, pristine condition when Triceratops and Brontosauruses could freely roam through amber waves of grain from sea to shining sea without the threat of being accosted by non-African-Americans trying to turn them into another one of their baby mamas.

In fact, if scientists ever discover the reason why the dinosaurs disappeared, I’d bet that the culprit will be another non-African-American. If that doesn’t justify the case for racial profiling, then I don’t know what will.