What To Do About the Detroit Bankruptcy

(Originally published in The Detroit News on November 1, 2013)

On July 18, 2013, Detroit became the largest American city to declare bankruptcy, although the city continued receiving pre-approved credit card offers that promised to consolidate debt with an interest free transfer of all unpaid balances.

In the same year that Detroit declared bankruptcy, the United States government had spent an estimated $1.4 trillion dollars over the past decade to fund the ongoing war in Afghanistan and Iraq. So that got me thinking. For the cost of $1.4 trillion dollars, the United States has little to show for rebuilding war-torn regions like Baghdad and Kabul. Most Iraqi and Afghanistan buildings have been bombed and burned out so often that they resemble the Packard Automotive plant on a good day.

So to save the Federal government money and help Detroit at the same time, I propose that Detroit declare war on the United States.

Now before you shoot down this idea as impractical, think about the benefits. Instead of spending American taxpayer money to rebuild Third World countries that hate us, we could spend American taxpayer money right here in the United States on American-born citizens who hate us. What a concept!

Even better, $1.4 trillion dollars would go a long way towards fixing all those potholes on the Lodge freeway, which often looks like it’s been hit by multiple mortar shells, just like most roads in Iraq and Afghanistan.

All Detroit has to do is declare war on the United States, order all of their troops to run away, and wait for the American military to march proudly down the streets to announce Mission Accomplished!

With hostilities officially ended between Detroit and the United States, Detroit would then be eligible to receive rebuilding funds given through no-bid contracts to major government contractors like Haliberton and Blackwater.

Naturally, a large percentage of those rebuilding funds would mysteriously disappear into the pockets of government officials not named Kwame Kilpatrick, but at least that money would still be helping corrupt American city officials instead of lining the pockets of corrupt foreign government officials.

The real benefit would come when government contractors and private security forces tried to deal with the rampant crime rate throughout the city. If Blackwater security officials thought creating safe zones in the middle of Baghdad seemed impossible, think what a challenge it would be for private security guards to subdue Eight Mile on a Friday night at the beginning of a three-day weekend.

For years afterwards, military personal could swap their favorite war stories about the days they served in Detroit, trying to rebuild the city amidst government corruption, rampant violence, and a total break down of law and order. And then they could talk about their days after Detroit declared war on the United States as well.

When Governor Rick Snyder claimed that bankruptcy was the only choice to save Detroit, he obviously wasn’t thinking outside of the box. There’s another option besides bankruptcy, and a far less expensive one too.

Declaring war against the United States would benefit Detroit enormously due to the massive amounts of funding the American government always pours into rebuilding their defeated enemies. If the success of Japan is any indication, Detroit could one day emerge from a lost war with the United States and become an economic powerhouse once more.Like Japan, maybe Detroit could even start making better cars that people around the world would actually want to buy too.

Yes, the future for Detroit doesn’t need to focus on the gloom and humiliation of being the largest American city to declare bankruptcy or having the only NFL football team to go 0-16 in a season.

Despite Governor Rick Snyder’s claim, there are other choices to save Detroit and declaring war on the United States definitely looks like the best proposal everyone should consider.

Who knows? If Detroit loses a war with the United States and manages to re-emerge economically stronger than before, maybe there will still be chance that we can save Cleveland.