An Interview with the Heaven’s Gate Cult Leader

It always amazes me how people can twist their thinking into finding a way to justify almost anything, even mass murder suicide, using religious beliefs as their justification. Religion has inspired millions but also created a horde full of lunatics so it’s hard to say whether religion has helped society in the long run or hurt it.

Whatever the case, one of the strangest events involving religious beliefs occurred with the Heaven’s Gate cult that committed suicide so they could catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet. What’s even weirder is that this cult bought a telescope and returned it later because they claimed the telescope wasn’t powerful enough for them to see the UFO behind the comet.

Of course, logic says that they didn’t see the UFO behind the comet because there wasn’t a UFO behind the comet, but logic and religious beliefs usually don’t mix very well, so the result is a satirical interview with the founder of Heaven’s Gate.

ANNCR: On March 26, 1997, 39 people in Rancho Santa Fe swallowed a combination of vodka, applesauce, and barbiturates and then tied plastic bags over their heads to commit suicide in a cult known as Heaven’s Gate. Years later, we’re happy to report that Marshall Applewhite and his entire group of 39 members didn’t actually die as was first believed, but have been living in the fourth dimension and have agreed to contact us through the miracle of intergalactic physics and the invention of the cell phone. Can you hear me now, Marshall Applewhite?

MARSHALL: (Voice coming through a phone) Yes, yes. I can hear you very well. If I had known how clear cell phones would get in the 21st century, I might have waited a few more years before castrating myself to catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet.

ANNCR: Perhaps you could tell us why you ordered everyone in your group to commit suicide back in 1997.

MARSHALL: It’s very simple. Back in 1997, we spotted a UFO flying behind a comet. At the time, the UFO sent me signals letting us know that they were coming to pick us up and take us to another dimension. So we had to kill our bodies so we could transfer our souls into the UFO because they had two-carry on luggage limit and our bodies counted as three items.

ANNCR: After you left your bodies behind, what happened next?

MARSHALL: First, we had to go through a security checkpoint and show a picture ID before walking through a metal detector. Then the space aliens frisked us to make sure we weren’t carrying anything hazardous such as nail clippers or tweezers.

ANNCR: After passing through the security checkpoint, then were you allowed to board the UFO?

MARSHALL: Not exactly. We had to wait while another cult that had killed themselves three months earlier got to board the UFO first. Then it was our turn so we climbed aboard and had to take any open seat that was left.

ANNCR: Where did the UFO take you and your cult?

MARSHALL: First they took us to Phoenix where we caught a connecting flight to St. Louis. From there, we caught the UFO that finally took us to the fourth dimension where I’m calling you now.

ANNCR: Can you tell us what the people in these UFOs look like?

MARSHALL: Certainly! One of them looks like Darth Vader. Another one looks like Captain Kirk. The last one I saw looked a lot like Mark Hamill, but with a longer career in show business.

ANNCR: Was it difficult adjusting to life in the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: Other than being in a different time zone, not really. About the only problem is that the fourth dimension lets you see the past, the present, and the future all at the same time. So you can imagine how confusing that can be when you just want to take a leak in the toilet.

ANNCR: Do you have plans to return to Earth now that you’ve experienced the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: Why, yes! I’d like to come back to Earth and pick up an iPod. There isn’t any music in the fourth dimensions except for a bunch of angels singing all the time, and after nine years of living here, I’m getting sick of hearing harp music all the time.

ANNCR: Can you tell us what surprised you the most when you arrived in the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: I think what surprised me the most was that we weren’t the first humans to reach the fourth dimension.

ANNCR: How did you learn that other humans had beaten you to the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: I think it was when I first stepped off the UFO and saw all the Starbucks stores that had already been built there. They also have a few Wal-Mart stores and a couple of Home Depots too.

ANNCR: Our time is running out, so I’d like to ask you a few remaining questions. There were reports that all the male members of your cult had to get castrated. Could you tell us the purpose for that?

MARSHALL: It was actually part of the restrictions on our UFO ticket that we bought through Priceline.com. As I said earlier, the UFO had a two carry-on limit and unfortunately, they counted our testicles as four carry-on pieces, so we had to castrate all our members to make sure we could get a seat on the UFO.

ANNCR: Now that you’ve reached the fourth dimension, do you have any uplifting, inspirational message you’d like to tell people back on Earth?

MARSHALL: I guess the main thing I’d like to say to everyone is that I was right and all of you were wrong.

ANNCR: Thank you. We’ve been talking to Marshall Applewhite, the former leader of the cult Heaven’s Gate, which committed suicide in 1997 to catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet.