Ask a Serial Killer

For decades, people turned to Dear Abby and and Ann Landers for advice. What people don’t realize is that both columns were written by twin sisters who despised each other and refused to talk or meet for years. Taking advice from Dear Abby or Ann Landers seems questionable when those twin sisters couldn’t even repair their own fractured relationship.

If people can accept relationship advice from two sisters who hate each other, it only seems logical to take advice from other highly unqualified people so maybe it’s time to start a new syndicated column called Ask a Serial Killer.

Dear Dr. Death, I’m a withered old man with barely enough blood to pump through my desiccated veins, but I have enough money to buy any woman I want. Recently I bought a gold digging whore and attempted to placate her with four cars, a quarter of a million dollars, and her own million dollar condo, and the bitch still turned on me. What should I do?

— Donald Sterling

Dear Donald Sterling, I’d kill the bitch. Obviously money can’t buy her loyalty and you’ve already expended enough cash on her to pay off the national debt of Venezuela so there’s no point in throwing good money after bad.

What I’d do is entice her to your place under the promise of another wad of cash you want to drop in her sweaty palms. Then when she arrives, lock her inside a sound-proof roof and beat her senseless with a baseball bat. Make sure you don’t knock her out with the first blow because you want the bitch to suffer immensely.

Of course, make a plan to dispose of the body. Just don’t make killing indiscriminate and random. It’s always best to target people you have a personal beef against although that also greatly increases your risk of getting caught. However, that makes killing so much more enjoyable when you can wipe out someone you personally know.

Hope you and your gold digging whore can settle things to your satisfaction and not hers because it seems obvious that she’s been given enough and still won’t be satisfied so there’s no point in trying any more.


Dear Dr. Death, For the past few years, I’ve had to exhibit extreme willpower to avoid gagging every time my “boyfriend” calls and wants to go out with me again. I use the term “boyfriend” in quotation marks because although he’s technically my boyfriend, I have no feelings of love for him whatsoever since he’s easily several decades older than me so having sex with him is like having sex with my grandmother’s mothballs in my closet when I was growing up.

Despite him buying me four cars and handing me enough cash to pay off the national debt of Venezuela, it’s all I can do to paste a phony smile on my face every time I have to get near his desiccated body that looks like the remains after Satan has sucked out the soul like eating a watermelon from the inside out.

The only reason I stay with my “boyfriend” is for the cash since it’s easier to spread my legs and take off my clothes to make a fortune rather than actually having to work for the same amount of money on my own.

My question is should I leave my “boyfriend” since he disgusts me so much or should I find a new, younger, and possibly even richer boy friend who I might actually enjoy having sex with every night?

— Gold Digging Whore

Dear Gold Digging Whore, I’d kill your disgusting “boyfriend” because if you kill him and get him out of your life, you could probably wind up with a fat inheritance and you would no longer have to lower yourself to having sex with a man whose private parts have been mummified for so long that they should be on display at the Egyptian national museum.

The next time your “boyfriend” asks you over, make sure you stay out of any sound-proof rooms and then if he’s holding any object such as a baseball bat, pry it out of his shriveled hands first and beat him senseless. Make sure the first blow totally takes him out because you want to get the killing over with as soon as possible.

The joy of killing sometimes is less in the pleasure of action and more in the speed of disposal. Knowing that his body is forever out of your life can be far more enjoyable than relishing the pain you inflict on him in the process of killing him. So feel free to kill him as quickly as possible and make it look like an accident by crying over his dead body when the police arrive.

Of course, make sure you peek at his will beforehand to make sure your name appears in the most prominent places. (You may need the advice of a lawyer.) As long as your “boyfriend” is dead, you’ll be able to truly live the life you’ve always dreamed about without the encumbrances of someone who simply disgusts you while paying all of your bills and providing you with a luxurious life you could never earn on your own. Good luck!