The Strange History of Paris Hilton

“Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.”

— Paris Hilton

What would you do if you were born into a billion dollar inheritance, had access to anyone and any place on the planet, and never had to develop any skills to get an education? If you said, “I’d devote my time and vast financial resources into improving the world by _____________” (insert your favorite charity/cause/foundation here), smack yourself in the head for being out of touch with the real world.

The correct answer, of course, is that you would party every night, buy yourself a lot of useless, luxury items to make up for your lack of self-worth, and ignore the major problems of the world as being “too boring” for the handful of brain cells in your head to worry about.

Why are people in the Middle East risking their lives to rebel against their oppressive governments to embrace democracy? Who cares? Let’s dance!

That, in a nutshell, is the story of Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton was born into the vast Hilton hotel empire founded by Conrad Hilton, who would later marry an equally vapid celebrity known as Zsa Zsa Gabor. From his first marriage, Conrad Hilton had a son who later married and beat the crap out of Elizabeth Taylor, thereby proving that rich people are really just poor people living in better trailer parks.

Born as a Roman Catholic, Paris still attends Mass, despite the Vatican declaring her the Anti-Christ and hiding small children from her presence. Due to her reputation, Paris admits she does find it challenging to attend church regularly, especially when the congregation giggles and looks in her direction every time the priest mentions any Commandment involving the word “adultery.”

Having the Bible burst into flames upon her touch also proves a discouraging sign for Paris as she tries to remain faithful to the teachings of her Catholic upbringing that somehow still manages to allow getting laid every weekend by a stranger she met in a nightclub.

Through no talent, gumption, or display of initiative of her own, Paris Hilton began a modeling career. She started by standing in department store windows with an empty look on his face while wearing the latest fashions.

Department store managers quickly realized that she wasn’t a mannequin and hired her as a model instead. Paris’s short department store modeling career came to an end when store managers suggested Paris would be more tolerable in public if someone cut off her head so she would look like the other dummies in the window. Paris opted to just act as brainless as a mannequin instead, and that decision has served her well throughout her long and totally undeserved career.

At the age of 19, Paris signed with Donald Trump’s modeling agency, which doubled as a dating service to help find attractive women willing to sleep with Donald Trump without laughing at his hair piece. Paris stated that she loved the idea of modeling because you could get paid a lot of money for doing nothing but standing or walking around. Donald Trump said he loved the idea of Paris Hilton in his modeling agency right up until the time she opened her mouth and tried to sound intelligent.

Soon Paris found herself appearing in numerous advertising campaigns for Iceberg Vodka, GUESS, Tommy Hilfiger, Christian Dior, Marciano, and the crack dealer on 5th and Broadway. In 2001, Hilton began to develop a reputation as a socialite, which meant at least twenty-five men in New York’s upper society had to verify they had sex with her within a one week time period.

People started referring to Paris as “New York’s leading It Girl,” which sounded a lot better than the other phrases people called Paris, which began with the letter “C” and rhymed with the word “bunt.”

Soon Paris’s fame began to “extend beyond the New York tabloids” that people often bought as inexpensive material for wrapping fish or lining the bottoms of their pet bird cages. Despite not being able to identify the city in France that she was named after, Paris began appearing in several magazines including Elle, the April 2004 issue of Maxim, the October 2005 cover of Stuff, and the December 2006 issue of Why is This Person Considered Important Enough for Anyone to Even Care About?

Soon Paris began making cameo appearances in films such as Zoolander (2001) although she reportedly turned down the leading role in several snuff films, despite the repeated urgings of these underground directors who claimed that she was “perfect for the part” and was the only one who could really “give the audience what they wanted to see.”

In 2002, she played one of the leads in the straight-to-video horror movie Nine Lives. The film did well in sales because people often have way too much money and so little brainpower to help them spend it wisely. Beyondhollywood.com felt that “Hilton’s presence in the cast is the film’s main marketing point,” which made all the other actors in the film give up their acting careers when they realized their talent couldn’t surpass even the feeble ramblings of someone as useless as Paris Hilton.

Despite what limited fame she had through modeling, magazines, and movies, Paris still felt destined for fame just because she was born in a rich family that wasn’t used to being denied anything that money couldn’t buy including judges, politicians, and world leaders.

In 2003, Paris appeared in a sex tape called “One Night in Paris.” Film critics applauded her work by saying, “By keeping her mouth shut and taking off her clothes, Paris has given people what they really want and expect from her.”

Although Paris claimed that the sex tape was leaked without her permission, she did receive a sum of money from sales of the tape. Despite faking orgasms and showing her butt to the camera, Paris narrowly missed out on being nominated for Best Supporting Actress in the Academy Awards for that year.

Shortly after the release of her “One Night in Paris” sex tape, Paris debuted her reality TV show, “The Simple Life,” on FOX. Critics claim that her leaked sex tape was just a crass ploy to gain publicity to help promote her reality TV show. Paris responded to these accusations by saying, “Yeah, but it worked, didn’t it?”

Ratings for her reality TV show skyrocketed. Instead of being known as the vapid, empty-headed little socialite who appeared in a sex tape, the world started to recognize her as that vapid, empty-headed little socialite who appeared in a reality TV show.

At just 22 years old or four years beyond the legal age when most middle-aged directors and producers in Hollywood would no longer get in trouble for statutory rape, Paris Hilton had finally gained the fame she coveted, which is a word that Paris could never find in a dictionary because she didn’t know where entries beginning with the letter “C” might be found.

Soon Paris became a frequent fixture on the Hollywood club scene. When walking past her, people would often hang their coats on her head, not realizing that an actual coat rack is a fixture that has more intelligence than she does.

More importantly, Paris parlayed her newfound fame and the media’s growing fascination with celebrities to expand her persona and image into a brand. She worked tirelessly to turn her brand into one that could be just as powerful and memorable as DDT, Thalidomide, and Agent Orange.

By allowing herself to be photographed and video taped everywhere she went, she became a walking endorsement for her brand and gave hope to  people everywhere that if Paris could succeed in America, there could be no stopping someone from another country who had half the brain of a centipede.

Though she hired a publicist to get her in the pages of all the prominent newspapers such as The New York Times, Time Magazine, and The Weekly World News, Paris never really talked about herself because that was one of many topics that she knew nothing about.

Instead, she talked about other people. She would mention the designers of her clothes, the name of her favorite nightclub, and who made the sweater for her dog all without any guarantee of any return. She just threw out free publicity.

Fashion designers and nightclub owners soon realized that Paris Hilton was a walking billboard. So they embraced her. She paid attention to them, they paid attention to her, and her endorsements brought them more stupid people to ring up their cash registers every week. The art of convincing stupid people to part with their hard-earned money is what is known in academic circles as “celebrity-based marketing.”

The genius of Paris Hilton (which is probably the only time you’ll ever see the words “genius” and “Paris Hilton” in the same sentence) occurred when Paris realized that if she were famous, then the paparazzi would follow her everywhere she went. Now if she endorsed products and businesses, the paparazzi would dutifully report her inane recommendations across the globe.

For Paris, the paparazzi became her version of Twitter except she could use more than 140 characters to deliver her message. In 2004, Paris launched her lifestyle brand. Instead of focusing on birth control methods and antibiotics for eliminating herpes, Paris’s lifestyle brand actually focused on her more public lifestyle involving fashion for looking elegant while still being a slut on the inside.

Paris designed a collection of purses for the Japanese label Samantha Thavasa, proving once and for all that the stereotype isn’t true that all Asians are intelligent. Next, Paris designed a 10-piece jewelry line. “I grew up surrounded by the finest fashion and jewelry designs,” Paris said. “So I wanted to sell a line of cheap jewelry that would make everyone realize what I can afford and what they’re never going to get for the rest of their lives.”

Paris added, “This jewelry is for the heiress in everyone who’s fortunate to have a relative who did all the hard work before you were born so you don’t have to work a day in your life.”

Next, Paris created a perfume line by Parlux Fragrances. Originally set to be a small release to coincide with the size of Paris’s IQ, high demand led to a wider release before December 2004. The launch generated a 47% increase in sales of Parlux products, predominantly due to sales of the Hilton-branded perfume.

After the success of Hilton’s perfume, Parlux Fragrances released several more perfumes with Paris’s name including fragrances for men such as “This is the smell of the slut you slept with last night,” “You’ll need penicillin to get rid of that,” and “Do you really want your kids to have a mother like me?”

In 2006, she released her self-titled debut album, Paris. The album reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week, sold over 600,000 copies worldwide, and released a single, “Stars Are Blind,” that actually became a massive success around the globe. Paris would later go on to market blank audiocassette tapes and blank CDs under the title “Paris Hilton Sings Her Greatest Hits.”

Paris Hilton exploited her fame and the paparazzi’s love affair with her fame to promote herself into a global empire that rivals only Kim Jong-il’s reign of terror in North Korea for complete and utter irrelevancy on the planet. While the magnification of her activities allowed the paparazzi to promote her as a celebrity, it could also highlight and magnify her downfall as well.

In September 2006, Paris was arrested and charged with driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of 0.08%, which later proved to be one of the winning lottery numbers the following week. The courts suspended Paris’s driving license in a futile attempt to keep her from appearing anywhere in public. When that failed, they convinced her to plead no contest to a reckless driving charge.

Prosecutors reportedly also tried to get Paris to confess to selling nuclear missile secrets to the Russians, providing Lance Armstrong with blood doping materials, and kidnapping the Lindbergh baby, but they settled for giving her 36 months’ probation and fines of about $1,500, which they easily found just by raiding the coins she kept in her change purse.

In February 2007, police caught Paris driving 70 mph in a 35 mph zone, again with a suspended license. She also did not have her headlights on even though it was after dark because, as Paris later claimed, “My headlights were just as bright as I am.” As part of her probation, the courts ordered Paris to enroll in an alcohol education program, which she refused to attend because in her words, “They didn’t have a cover charge or a two-drink minimum.”

On May 4, 2007, Judge Michael T. Sauer sentenced Paris to 45 days in jail for violating her probation. That same day, Judge Judy ordered the bailiff to “slap the shit out of Paris Hilton just to get her off my goddamn TV!” Paris tried to appeal the sentence and even went so far as to ask then California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, for a pardon. Arnold refused because he said he was too busy fathering a child with his housekeeper.

Paris began her jail term on June 5, 2007 by checking herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility, an all-female jail in Lynwood, California. Naturally, the paparazzi recorded every image, hoping to capture an obligatory prison shower scene in imitation of every bad porno movie ever made.

Initially, Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca reassigned Hilton to 40 days of home confinement with an electronic monitoring device due to an unspecified medical condition. Then doctors informed him that being stupid didn’t qualify as a medical condition.

After being released from jail, Paris thought she was free to go home. That’s when Judge Michael Sauer summoned her to reappear in court and sent her back to jail to serve out her original 45-day sentence. Upon hearing the sentence, Hilton shouted, “It’s not right!” and started screaming, which the paparazzi dutifully recorded to show everybody how upset celebrities can get when they can’t use their fortune to circumvent justice like any law-abiding billionaire banking executive could do.

While in jail, Paris met clergyman minister Marty Angelo, who taught her that ordinary people actually don’t recognize Gucci as a disciple mentioned in the Bible. Jail also introduced Paris to several hard-core dykes who demanded that she become a vegetarian by learning to “toss their salad.” Afterwards, Paris referred to a “new beginning” in her life where she hoped to live like any ordinary person who just happened to be worth millions of dollars and could reveal her wish to be normal during an interview with talk show host Larry King.

Shortly afterwards, Paris’s grandfather, Barron Hilton, pledged 97% of his estate (the Hilton family fortune) to a charitable organization founded by their great-grandfather, Conrad N. Hilton. Barron later claimed that he pledged to give away most of the family fortune because “all of my useless grandchildren are too goddamn stupid to deserve any of it.”

On July 2, 2010, authorities accused Paris of smoking marijuana at the 2010 FIFA World Cup game between Brazil and the Netherlands. Local police escorted her from the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium, but not before copping a feel or two of her breasts to see if they were real or not.

Paris’s publicist, Dawn Miller, stated “I can confirm that the incident was a complete misunderstanding and it was actually another person in the group who did it.”

That other person, who took the fall for Paris, still remains in a Brazilian prison, being beaten up daily and forced to perform unnatural sex acts on an imprisoned drug lord in return for being let to live another day. In the meantime, Paris trotted happily away, showing that money really can buy justice even overseas where the dollar might be weaker compared to local currencies.

Two weeks later, police detained Paris after catching her in possession of cannabis at Figari airport, Corsica. Police again arrested in her Las Vegas under suspicion of possessing cocaine. Initially, Paris claimed that the handbag, containing 0.8g of cocaine, was not hers because “the purse in question wasn’t up to my high fashion standards.” Under questioning, Paris admitted that although the purse wasn’t up to her standards, the cocaine was, and she offered some to the cops to see if they would agree.

On September 21, 2010, while travelling to a press conference in Tokyo to promote her fashion and fragrance lines, Paris got stopped by immigration officers at Narita Airport. Under Japan’s strict anti-drug laws, all people sentenced for any drug crime are denied entry, although immigration officials really just wanted to find an excuse to keep Paris from entering Japan and corrupting Japanese youth by her mere presence.

Besides refusing to grant Paris entry into the country, Japanese officials went so far as to offer United States authorities a deal. The Japanese offered to execute Paris Hilton and make it look like an accident if the American government would just stop harping about “that Pearl Harbor thing” every December 7.

During 2009, entertainment writers surmised that Paris’s popularity had plummeted due to her frequent run-ins with the law and her miraculous ability to escape punishment for any of it, just by being rich. In response to claims of her preferential treatment, Paris said, “Well, duh. That’s what money’s for.”

The suspicion of her fading star power came back in June 2011, when her reality show, The World According to Paris failed to get high ratings. When asked if her moment of fame had passed, Paris walked out of an interview with Good Morning America, and promptly ran into a wall.

According to a 2011 poll conducted by Ipsos, 60% of the responders voted Paris Hilton as the most unpopular celebrity in America right above O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick, and Wily E. Coyote. Even Taliban fighters in Afghanistan have been known to put down their arms and ask American soldiers to just go back home and shoot Paris Hilton instead.

Paris Hilton reportedly earns $10 million a year in sales of her various products that suckers and people with advanced cases of dementia still purchase on a regular basis. Experts estimate her net worth to be over $100 million. They also believe if her body were crushed beneath sandstone for millions of years and turned into oil, her net worth might increase by a few more dollars per gallon.

Despite her massive wealth, her fading fame, and her incredible luck in being an egg in the right place when a sperm cell happened to show up, Paris learned that her continual legal woes, jail time, and overall behavior as one of the top ten people in the world that even Amish grandmothers would like to punch in the mouth, has all contributed to damaging her image.

Even if she paid everyone a million dollars to like her on Facebook, she still would be despised the world over. The paparazzi helped build Paris Hilton up, but her idiotic behavior helped to bring her down. The same paparazzi cameras that helped turn her into a celebrity also documented her long fall from grace that made even the dark Lord Satan’s fall from heaven seem like a mere tumble off a log. The camera never lies and the paparazzi held no favors as she fell.

While Paris struggles to remake herself with increasing diminishing returns, a protégé and former friend of Paris Hilton studied her methods, befriended the paparazzi, and managed to surpass her in worldwide popularity. The name of this new star, who has just as little talent as Paris Hilton, turned out to be a long-time friend named Kim Kardashian, who would forever leave Paris Hilton in the shadow of her own growing fame.

Where will Paris Hilton wind up next? Who cares? We should all just rejoice that she’s finally out of the news media every day just like reports of human rights abuses that American news media outlets feel the general public doesn’t want to know about if they could be easily distracted by the latest sporting and entertainment events instead.