How to Avoid Unemployment

Ask most people why they’re out of a job and they’ll complain about the poor economy, corporate downsizing, or because the moon was under the influence of Saturn. Obviously, the real reason so many people are out of a job is because the moon is really under the influence of Venus. Once you understand this simple concept, it’s easy to straighten out your life and remain gainfully employed for the rest of your life.

For those who fail to believe in the all encompassing power of astrology to directly influence the conditions of your life while overlooking the millions of other people on the planet born at the same time as you, there’s another reason why you might be unemployed. Don’t ask yourself what kind of a job you can do. Ask yourself what kind of results you can accomplish.

The reason why so many people don’t focus on the results they can achieve is simple. They can’t achieve any results whatsoever even if their lives depended on it. Just ask yourself what your boss could do if a hoard of carnivorous zombies descended on your workplace. If your boss is like most managers and executives, the only useful result they could achieve is to sacrifice their own bodies as zombie food so people who actually have a reason to live could escape.

Examine any organization and you can find plenty of bloated payrolls supporting absolutely useless people who create nothing while sucking the energy out of the room with their negativity and pessimism. It’s no secret that when times are hard, companies trim their most useless employees. Your job as an employee is to make yourself so useful that the company literally can’t afford to let you go. Failing that, a second method to stay gainfully employed at your current job is to blackmail your boss and his or her boss as well.

Creating useful results is what everyone’s real job is supposed to be. Yet too many people hide behind the faceless facade of a bureaucracy so they can avoid responsibility while doing as little as possible. In the old days, such lazy and useless people were called parasites, but today such lazy and useless people are called Congressmen.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a government job where you could soak the taxpayers to fund your own luxurious lifestyle that involves avoiding real work whenever possible, chances are good you’ll always be unemployed if you cannot produce any useful results. A cashier in a restaurant produces the result of taking money from customers. A pickpocket in a restaurant can also produce the result of taking money from customers. It’s just that one method is illegal.

Results are all that matters. What can you do for your employer? Surprisingly, a large number of people have discovered this secret to avoiding unemployment, except they’re usually called prostitutes. In the corporate world, these same people are also called prostitutes, but they may have real titles as executives or managers.

The point is that if you can’t produce useful results for an employer, you’ve already failed to do your job. Remember, your job is always to produce a useful result for someone else. College graduates often fail to recognize this simple principle that street hookers understand intuitively, which pretty much shows you the value of a college education these days.

So if you want to avoid unemployment, be someone who can produce useful results. If your current employer can’t keep you, then go to their biggest rival. If you can truly produce results, your current employer’s rivals will be happy to hire you away, and then you can work so hard to put your former employer out of business. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your ex-boss standing on a street corner, begging for spare change. If the sight of your ex-boss reduced to a quivering, pathetic human being doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then it really doesn’t matter if you have a job or not.

No Straight Answers

Watch any politician on TV and when they’re asked a question, they rarely answer it with a straight yes and no reply. Instead, they use the question as a starting point for what they want to say. That’s because politicians, like parents, don’t want to risk getting caught in their own lies, contradictions, and hypocrisy. When you’re already on top, why risk screwing up and soiling your reputation?

That’s why we should make it a law that all politicians have to give straightforward yes and no answers before they launch into their bombastic speech that has nothing to do with the question at hand. It’s pointless to ask a politician a straightforward question because they’ll never answer it. As a kid, they probably had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Did you break that lamp?

Kid: The lamp that you’re referring to is fragile because the company making the lamp used cheap materials. That’s why I’m pushing for a law that gives workers more rights to higher wages based on the profitability of the corporation so that corporate executives can no longer plunder a corporate treasury for their own benefit.

Mom: Is it too late to have an abortion now?

The next time you see a politician avoiding answering a question, look to see what he or she really wants to say. Then look at what they’re not saying.

Of course, it’s far easier just to ignore politicians altogether since voting has little effect on their actions compared to the massive lobbying that special interest groups can exert on them on a daily basis with costly gifts and promises of voter support.

The next time you have to talk to a politician, don’t give up until you get a straightforward yes or no reply to your question. Chances are good you’ll be asking questions forever.

The Philosophy of Laziness

Take one person who has been tortured by his government, witnessed his entire family massacred by death squads, and toss that traumatized person in a country where he doesn’t know the language, the culture, or anyone in the entire nation. What are this person’s chances of success?

Now take the same person, raise him in a comfortable middle-class home, give him decent set of parents, plenty of food, clean water, and access to education, and set him loose in the same country where he knows the language, the culture, and many of the people. What are the chances this person will succeed?

Somewhat ironically, the first person, who doesn’t know the language or culture, often has a greater chance for success than someone born with all the advantages of a rich country. Just look at many of your own relatives to witness blatant failure on a capital scale right in front of your face. If racists think their particular race is the superior one, they haven’t been to their own family reunions yet.

Within a few years, immigrants come to America, learn English, start their own businesses, and often become millionaires. Within that same time period, Americans born in this country graduate from school, whine about not finding a job, complain about the politicians in office, and wind up working menial jobs for the immigrant who didn’t know English just a few short years ago.

How does this happen? While it’s easy to believe that most people are stupid, the simple answer is that most people are stupid. Not only that, but they’re also lazy with an entitlement mentality that says life should be easy and lucrative for them just because they exist. These are the same people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and that voting actually matters in a democracy like America.

Given the massive handicap of not speaking English and not knowing the culture, you would think immigrants would be forever hampered and trapped in poverty for the rest of their lives. Yet it’s often Americans born in this country who remain forever trapped in poverty and mediocrity for the rest of their lives. How do so many Americans throw away their advantage living in a land of opportunity? The answer is simple. Most people are stupid.

Just visit any public area and you can witness mass stupidity in action on a daily basis. Look at the person shopping for fancy clothes to look good while completely neglecting the idea of developing their own personality into something more pleasant. Look at the person who spends money as a way to feel satisfied with their lives while ignoring the real problems in their world. Look at the person whose retirement plan consists of playing the lottery until they win. Given these vast numbers of stupid people, you would think the United States military would have no trouble finding people fully qualified to work as involuntary suicide bombers.

The truth is that success comes to those who actively work for it. Just because you were born in a country doesn’t mean you’ll actually take advantage of your native language and make a success of yourself. Given a choice between being tortured in their home country or taking a chance to work hard in America, it’s easy to see why immigrants succeed so often.

Given a choice between working a job or watching TV, it’s easy to see why so many lazy people prefer watching TV instead of actually doing anything productive with their lives. The reason for this? People are stupid.

So if Americans really want to find success in their lives, they should sneak across the border to Mexico, teach themselves Spanish, work as maids or gardeners, and within a few short years, they’ll master Spanish, run their own business, and become millionaires before their friends back home can graduate from school with a D- grade point average.

The path to success is easy. Just cross a border illegally and work your butt off to survive. I wonder why so many high school students don’t want to do that simple step to achieve success in their lives?

Making Stupid Choices

Imagine waking up one day and finding a man pointing a gun at your head. He gives you two choices. First, you can walk out the door and there’s a chance if he shoots you, he’ll miss and you’ll get away. Second, you can sit still, do nothing, and get a 100% chance he’ll shoot you in the forehead and kill you. What would you do?

Surprisingly, when given a choice between certain death or a chance at escape, most people would sit still, whine and complain at how unfair life can be, cower in fear at the uncertainty that getting up and running out the door might bring to their lives, and wind up taking the bullet to the forehead. That just shows that most people deserve a bullet to the forehead if they’re too stupid to save themselves.

While this choice might sound silly, it highlights the fact that humans make all kinds of unwise decisions that hurt themselves in the long run. Everyone knows cigarettes are bad for you. Even long-time chain smokers know this. Yet they continue smoking anyway. Why? Because it’s easier not to change and suffer the consequences later rather than change and suffer the uncomfortableness now.

So given a choice between uncertainty now or certain failure tomorrow, most people are happier choosing certain failure. This is the reason why democracies don’t work because when the majority of the people are stupid, they can make stupid decisions together. Just ask all those Germans how well their democratic elections worked out when they all thought Hitler had the solution to their problems.

The smartest people are those willing to admit they may not be so smart after all. The dumbest people are those who believe they’re smart and don’t need to do anything to change. The irrationality of the human race might be why intelligent beings from other planets are smart enough never to make contact with humans in the first place.

Look at people around you and you can find plenty of people who make poor choices from the alcoholic wetting himself while sleeping on the sidewalk to the rich lawyer who lies and cheats his way to the top, only to get mad when his wife cheats on him with someone else. People are stupid when they don’t think, but amazingly brilliant when they make an effort to think.

Which type of person do you want to be? If you have to think about your answer, chances are good you already know what choices you’ve already made.