How to Avoid Unemployment

Ask most people why they’re out of a job and they’ll complain about the poor economy, corporate downsizing, or because the moon was under the influence of Saturn. Obviously, the real reason so many people are out of a job is because the moon is really under the influence of Venus. Once you understand this simple concept, it’s easy to straighten out your life and remain gainfully employed for the rest of your life.

For those who fail to believe in the all encompassing power of astrology to directly influence the conditions of your life while overlooking the millions of other people on the planet born at the same time as you, there’s another reason why you might be unemployed. Don’t ask yourself what kind of a job you can do. Ask yourself what kind of results you can accomplish.

The reason why so many people don’t focus on the results they can achieve is simple. They can’t achieve any results whatsoever even if their lives depended on it. Just ask yourself what your boss could do if a hoard of carnivorous zombies descended on your workplace. If your boss is like most managers and executives, the only useful result they could achieve is to sacrifice their own bodies as zombie food so people who actually have a reason to live could escape.

Examine any organization and you can find plenty of bloated payrolls supporting absolutely useless people who create nothing while sucking the energy out of the room with their negativity and pessimism. It’s no secret that when times are hard, companies trim their most useless employees. Your job as an employee is to make yourself so useful that the company literally can’t afford to let you go. Failing that, a second method to stay gainfully employed at your current job is to blackmail your boss and his or her boss as well.

Creating useful results is what everyone’s real job is supposed to be. Yet too many people hide behind the faceless facade of a bureaucracy so they can avoid responsibility while doing as little as possible. In the old days, such lazy and useless people were called parasites, but today such lazy and useless people are called Congressmen.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a government job where you could soak the taxpayers to fund your own luxurious lifestyle that involves avoiding real work whenever possible, chances are good you’ll always be unemployed if you cannot produce any useful results. A cashier in a restaurant produces the result of taking money from customers. A pickpocket in a restaurant can also produce the result of taking money from customers. It’s just that one method is illegal.

Results are all that matters. What can you do for your employer? Surprisingly, a large number of people have discovered this secret to avoiding unemployment, except they’re usually called prostitutes. In the corporate world, these same people are also called prostitutes, but they may have real titles as executives or managers.

The point is that if you can’t produce useful results for an employer, you’ve already failed to do your job. Remember, your job is always to produce a useful result for someone else. College graduates often fail to recognize this simple principle that street hookers understand intuitively, which pretty much shows you the value of a college education these days.

So if you want to avoid unemployment, be someone who can produce useful results. If your current employer can’t keep you, then go to their biggest rival. If you can truly produce results, your current employer’s rivals will be happy to hire you away, and then you can work so hard to put your former employer out of business. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your ex-boss standing on a street corner, begging for spare change. If the sight of your ex-boss reduced to a quivering, pathetic human being doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then it really doesn’t matter if you have a job or not.