Reclassifying the Homeless as Weapons Systems

Every year politicians complain that they can’t afford to help the poor. Yet every year politicians never seem to have a problem voting themselves pay raises or spending government money on billion dollar weapons systems just because they’ll create jobs in their districts.

Since the government always seems to have money for weapons but never seems to have enough money for the poor, the answer is simple. We need to reclassify homeless people as weapons delivery systems.

This country currently spends billions of dollars building and maintaining ICBMs, nuclear submarines, and B-52/B-1 bombers armed with nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Amazingly, the purpose of these billion dollar systems is to scare enemies so we never have to use them at all. So that’s the secret for helping the homeless.

Just as terrorists use suicide bombers to terrorize governments, so should governments recruit homeless people to become suicide bombers. The goal, of course, is not to actually use them but to maintain them as a credible threat against an adversary. If ISIS or al-Qaeda thinks they can terrorize us by sending a suicide bomber into a shopping mall, guess what? We can retaliate by sending our own suicide bomber into a Middle Eastern market and terrorize their people as well.

By reclassifying homeless people as weapons delivery systems, our government will suddenly have plenty of money to house, feed, and medically care for all the homeless people in the nation. We can get them off the street, get them the medical and psychiatric care that they need, and help turn many of them back into productive members of society.

Housing and caring for homeless suicide bombers would also create jobs, so the politicians can get behind it. After all, someone needs to build housing for the poor, cook food for all these hungry mouths, and provide medical care to make sure our weapons systems are in top physical condition to carry out their mission if necessary.

Best of all, we never even have to send any of these homeless people into combat as suicide bombers. We just have to threaten to use them and let other countries know we have them ready just in case. It’s the same deterrent system that we use with nuclear weapons only on a smaller scale. The goal is to spend as much as possible on weapons we never plan to use.

Think of the self-esteem and ego boost homeless people will suddenly get knowing that they’re considered patriots that other people acknowledge and accept. As weapons delivery systems, homeless people will get a fresh start to change their lives for the better, and all it takes is for our government to see them as a defensive asset rather than an annoying liability of unfair and unjust economic policies that favor the rich.

Turning homeless people into weapons is the only solution. The government will have no problems finding funding, society will support it as long as it creates jobs, and even the homeless people will embrace this new program to boost their self-esteem.

Just don’t tell the Russians, Chinese, or Middle Eastern terrorist groups what we’re planning to do. The last thing we need is a homeless weapon system arms race on our hands.