The Confederate Flag Debate

During the American Civil War, the Confederacy tried to leave the Union. In the process, they fought the Union armies and killed thousands of Americans, which is more than ISIS, Al Qaeda, and the Taliban have killed combined. So that means instead of worrying about Muslim terrorists attacking the United States, we should really be worried about Southern white people attacking and killing innocent Americans instead.

First, we should invoke tough immigration laws since most Southern white people’s ancestors come from Europe, so let’s shut down our borders and deport all Southern white people out of this country and back to where they belong in Finland, Norway, France, Sweden, and England. Obviously it doesn’t matter how long they’ve lived here. They’re not real Americans so they need to go back to where they came from, even if they didn’t come from there.

Second, the Confederate flag represents an army that lost, so if southern state capitols feel the need to fly the Confederate flag, then the state capitols in all the original thirteen colonies should be flying the British flag to commemorate the British loss in the Revolutionary War.

Third, the Confederate flag represents states that supported slavery. So if Southern states want to relive the days of slavery, they’re more than welcome to work in sweat shops in New York and Los Angeles so they can relive the good old days when people worked just to survive one day longer.

Some people say that the Confederate flag represents pride for a region of the country that has the highest poverty levels, the lowest education levels, and a history of violent discrimination against blacks, so it’s easy to see why Southerners would be particularly proud of those accomplishments.

If the South truly wants to boast about their accomplishments, perhaps they need to show the rest of the country how to eliminate poverty, boost education, and treat others who are different to create a stable and thriving economy. If they could do that, then that could justify flying the Confederate flag.

Of course, they won’t do that because that takes effort, intelligence, and a willingness to change their current way of thinking, so in that regard, they’re no different than Northerners running Washington D.C.

You Owe Me a Job

If you have an e-mail address, you’ve probably received dozens of messages from Nigerian oil ministers or American soldiers in other countries who have miraculously stumbled across millions of dollars and need just you to help them transfer the funds to your bank account.

The people running those scams are amateurs. I have a plan to swindle far more people on a daily basis and still hold my head up high as a valued member of society. If you’re interested, you can be part of my new movement called You Owe Me a Job.

This is how it works. Come to me for four years and pay five figures a year in return for my wisdom that I’ll impart upon you, and that wisdom will be giving you lots of free time to party, get drunk, get laid, and have fun.

After four years of sitting in boring classes taught by teachers who have little real world experience making money from their own knowledge, I’ll print up a piece of paper with your name on it with the following letters printed in fancy Old English calligraphy, and this is what that headline of this piece of paper will say:

You Owe Me a Job

All you have to do is hand that piece of paper to any company where you want to work, and that company is supposed to be so impressed that you have a piece of paper with your name on it that they should instantly give you a high paying job based on the four years of knowledge you supposedly accumulated at my organization.

If you want to make even more money, you can come back to my organization for another two to four years and I’ll hand you a second or third piece of paper with your name on it that also has the headline in Old English calligraphy that reads:

You Owe Me a Job, Ph.D.

The more pieces of paper you have that say “You Owe Me a Job,” the more likely a company will have to hire you and grant you a huge salary. Of course, to get these pieces of paper, I suggest you take out more loans than you can possibly pay back within a lifetime, but what does it matter if in return you get an actual piece of paper that tells potential employers, “You Owe Me a Job.”

So the basic idea is that you pay a lot of money to party for four years and have fun, then attend classes learning trivial topics, and in the end you get a piece of paper that you can present to others stating “You Owe Me a Job.”

It’s that simple! And it works (except when it doesn’t, which is most of the time). Don’t bother starting your own business. Don’t worry about learning skills that could help you actually produce results for others. All you need to be successful in life is to have at least one piece of paper with your name on it that you can hand to others stating “You Owe Me a Job.”

By the way, did I mention my special alumni program where people I ripped off (I mean educated) turn around, get jobs and give even more money to my organization so they can feel good about the sports teams I’ll organize?

I’ll make money from broadcasting and licensing rights from my sports teams and in return, you get nothing but a warm fuzzy feeling that can last a lifetime, knowing that you support a sports team from an organization that could care less about your existence other than asking for money from time to time. And all you get in return is a pice of paper you can frame and show to others that says “You Owe Me a Job.”

Those are the most powerful and persuasive words on the face of the planet. Now isn’t that worth going into debt for life to have for yourself?