With so many people jockeying to become the GOP Presidential candidate, it might be interesting to look to previous experts in politics to see who they think might be presidential material. Now through the miracle of imagination, we bring you an interview with Adolf Hitler.
ANNCR: Welcome Adolf. We’re glad you can join us in analyzing the top GOP candidates.
HITLER: Glad to be here. After all, hell is getting crowded these days with people like Osama bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and Kim Jong-Il.
ANNCR: As the former dictator of the Third Reich, what is your opinion of the top GOP contenders and which one do you think will become President of the United States?
HITLER: What most people don’t realize is that dictators always get the support of the people in the beginning because dictators tell people what they want to hear. That’s why Donald Trump is currently the leader. What better way to rally his supporters than to blame all the problems of your country on illegal immigrants. It’s brilliant! I did that with the Jews back in Germany.
ANNCR: Donald Trump says he wants to deport 11 million illegal immigrants from the United States. Do you think his plan is feasible or not?
HITLER: Of course it’s feasible. In the early days of my rise to power, I slowly pushed the Jews out of Germany. At first we just pressed them to leave on their own. Then when other countries, even the United States, refused to let Jews in because they didn’t want them either, all the Jews kept coming back to Germany. Since it was easier to round them up and exterminate them rather than keep trying to push them into other countries that refused to let them in because they were Jewish, I believe it’s only a matter of time before Donald Trump’s plan of mass deportation will turn into complete misery and chaos for all Mexican families and the entire United States in general. Naturally we know Trump is really talking about Mexicans when he talks about illegal immigrants because do you really think he’d deport a Brazilian supermodel just because she overstayed her visa restrictions?
ANNCR: So you see a future of concentration camps and extermination for Mexicans in America’s future?
HITLER: Hey, it’s what Trump supporters really want anyway. They just need someone to give them permission to express their discriminatory ideas. Why do you think so many Germans supported me? I gave them permission to let their cruelty express themselves on the Jews. Do you think I could have killed 6 million Jews on my own without the willing cooperation of so many law-abiding German citizens?
ANNCR: Well, let’s talk about Ben Carson. He’s a well-known neurosurgeon with nearly identical right-wing extremist views as Donald Trump.
HITLER: I love doctors! In fact, Doctor Josef Mengele was one of my best friends.
ANNCR: So do you think Ben Carson has a chance to be elected President?
HITLER: I see Ben Carson having a better chance of getting a cabinet position within the Trump administration. Ben Carson was the first doctor to successfully separate conjoined twins at the head. Josef Mengele loved experimenting with twins as well, so maybe Ben Carson can use his medical skills to find a solution to your illegal immigrant problem like Josef Mengele tried to do with the Jews.
ANNCR: Let’s talk about Carly Fiorina. What do you think of a woman running a country?
HITLER: I’m a firm believer of women’s rights just as long as they allow a man to have most of those rights. The best part about Carly Florina is that she drove Hewlett-Packard into the ground and walked away with a multi-million dollar golden parachute for her efforts to enrich herself at the expense of the workers. That’s the mark of a dictator if I’ve ever seen one.
ANNCR: Let’s get back to Donald Trump. If Trump gets elected, how do you think he’ll fulfill his promise to “Make America Great”?
HITLER: That’s easy. When I was rebuilding Germany, I used a similar phrase to make Germany great again. One way to make any nation great is to become the smartest, most productive people in the world and build a great civilization, but that takes too long. It’s far faster and simpler to make a nation great by building up your military and invading an easy target like Poland.
ANNCR: Do you see Trump’s promise of making America great again leading to a military buildup?
HITLER: Not necessarily any more of military buildup than your country’s been doing for the past few decades anyway. What Trump needs to do is find a common enemy (beyond the Mexicans) and start getting easy victories to give people a sense of satisfaction. I started by invading Poland and annexing land. Then I worked my way up to invading Belgium, Denmark, and France. Trump needs to start small by attacking Mexico and maybe some of those Central and South American countries that keep selling illegal drugs to Americans who keep buying them. Create a phony outrage, justify it with a military excursion against a weak opponent, and then the people will be so happy and blood thirsty that they’ll want to keep attacking one more country after another because they think they can’t lose.
ANNCR: Is war a valid long-term strategy for making a nation great?
HITLER: Of course not. Look where I wound up. But that’s not the point. People want simple solution to complex problems, so if you can convince them that blowing up another country that can’t put up much of a fight will make them feel better about themselves and their country, that’s all that matters.
ANNCR: If Trump does start a war, do you think it could escalate out of control?
HITLER: Of course. I thought I could invade Russia and win, so it’s likely Trump will keep using military force against all the nations of the world until he goes one step too far. Then it will be too late and he’ll wind up fighting a losing battle that he can never win.
ANNCR: If Trump did start a war with a bigger country like Russia or China, and started to lose, what do you think he would do next?
HITLER: Trump has an ego the size of Jupiter, so if he starts a war that starts turning against him, you know he’ll launch a nuclear strike just to protect his fragile ego. When you compare the deaths of millions of innocent people around the world to avoiding admitting that you were actually wrong, why would you believe Trump would do anything but destroy the world rather than admit he was wrong?
ANNCR: Well, Hitler, your insight on the thinking process of Donald Trump and the other GOP contenders is certainly enlightening. Fortunately most of the GOP supporters don’t read or learn about history so they can’t benefit from your mistakes.
HITLER: That is the beauty of people. They prefer making the same mistakes over and over again rather than learning from the past. That insures people like me and other future dictators will always have a chance to wreck the world once more.
ANNCR: Thank you Hitler, and let us know the next time you’ll be back on Earth to share your wisdom and insight with people who want neither wisdom or insight.
HITLER: It’s my pleasure. I’m looking forward to seeing Donald Trump turn the United States into a fascist dictatorship. Perhaps my Thousand Year Reich might find new life among Trump supporters after all.
ANNCR: Thank you Hitler, and good night.