Category Archives: Advice

Why We Need Donald Trump

Many people are hoping Donald Trump will get impeached or be forced to resign. While this might seem like an improvement to liberals, there’s actually a good reason why liberals need Donald Trump to stay in office, because without a highly polarizing figure like Donald Trump in the White House, it’s harder for liberals and progressives to rally their base.

Back in World War Two, the British and Americans came up with all sorts of plots to assassinate Hitler. Many of those plots were never executed but many of them were never started for one reason. The Allies correctly guessed that keeping Hitler in power was more detrimental to Germany’s future than taking him out.

Hitler micromanaged his admirals and generals, second-guessing them because he (like Donald Trump) believed he was smarter than everyone else, even in situations where he had no experience.

Hitler lost confidence in his navy so he refused to let Germany’s major ships attack for fear of losing them. Hitler held back Germany’s jet fighter program that could have introduced jet fighters much earlier in the war and turned the tide against the Allied effort to take back Europe.

Hitler kept making such poor decisions throughout the war that he was actually an asset in helping the Allies defeat Germany. The Allies feared if they eliminated Hitler, someone far more intelligent would take over, and having an intelligent leader running Germany would be a far greater threat than having a bungling Hitler in charge instead.

And that’s why the world needs Donald Trump to stay in office. As long as he spews vicious attacks on immigrants and the media, and insists on delivering lies that are easily proven false, Donald Trump reveals the true face of the GOP leaders around him.

The GOP cares only about profits for themselves while blaming non-whites for all the problems in the world. Having Donald Trump bluntly state this in public is bad enough, but when GOP leaders remain silent, that’s even worse because it reveals the GOP’s true intentions all along.

The GOP never wants to help people. They simply want to rewrite laws for their own benefit and enrich themselves in the process. Donald Trump makes this obvious. Removing Trump from the White House means the GOP can go back to saying politically correct statements while still pursuing their same deceptive agenda enriching themselves at the expense of everyone else. Without Trump making this obvious, liberals and progressives will likely go back to sleep and falsely believe the Democrats are the solution when the Democrats are little different from the Republicans.

The only difference between the Democrats and the Republicans is that the Democrats ostensibly want to help people while enriching themselves while the Republicans want to help themselves while enriching themselves.

Trump simply highlights the fact that America has never been about freedom, liberty, and democracy so much as it’s always been about imposing our will on others by force and deception. Both the Republicans and Democrats share the blame equally, but Donald Trump makes this obvious to everyone.

Removing Donald Trump means the US government risks going back into “let’s pretend” mode again where they pretend to care about people while secretly enriching themselves anyway.

Donald Trump is necessary to highlight the huge problem with both the Republicans and the Democrats because both have mutually created a system of government that enriches themselves at the expense of the people they’re supposed to serve.

We need Donald Trump to continue highlighting the real motives behind our so-called government leaders from both sides. Right now the Republicans (and many Democrats) are mostly silent in challenging Trump, which means they silently agree in his naked power agenda.

We shouldn’t fear Trump so much as we should fear all the people around him who aren’t doing a thing to stop or challenge him. We don’t need to get rid of Trump. We need to get rid of the people in Congress who support him.

The big threat to any nation isn’t a single leader, but the people who support that leader. After all, Hitler didn’t exterminate six million Jews by himself and Trump can’t do anything without the active cooperation of many people who put their own interests ahead of the country, and those are the people we need to get rid of far more than we need to get rid of Trump.

How to Pick Up Women Who Support Donald Trump

Donald Trump has made numerous sexist comments about women, yet close to half of all women in America decided to vote for him anyway. That makes as much sense as black people in Louisiana who voted for David Duke, a renown Ku Klux Klan leader.

Since so many American women supported Donald Trump, this opens a huge opportunity for men to pick them up in bars. In the interest in helping men get laid in America, here are some pickup lines you can use on women who support Donald Trump:

  • When you smile, you light up a room faster than napalm dropped on a village in Vietnam.
  • Your skin is softer than the children working in my factories.
  • Are you an angel? Or are you just wearing your Ku Klux Klan hood and robe out in public?

By appealing to a woman’s sense of vanity and support for Donald Trump, you too should have little problem convincing a Donald Trump supporter to go home with you at night.

The Real Purpose of Any Government

The first priority of any government is self-preservation.

The second priority of any government is enrichment of the people running the government.

There is no third priority.

Anything governments do that actually helps people is really designed to keep that government in power and/or enrich the people running the government.

Governments never work for the people. The people work for the government.

In the eyes of the government, its citizens are expendable. The only time citizens are not expendable is when they’re needed to protect the government or enrich the people running the government.

It’s a simple system. It only requires citizens to remain unaware of their real purpose. Loyalty and patriotism are ways to convince citizens to sacrifice their own lives for the good of their government.

When was the last time any government risked destruction to protect the lives of its citizens?

You can never trust any government because it’s impossible to legislate away corruption, greed, and selfishness.

You can only trust people. The moment people become part of any government, they’ll only do a good job based on their own moral and ethical values, which is impossible to predict or control through legislation. Making laws can never eliminate the worst parts of human behavior.

Therefore the whole purpose of Congress, which makes laws, is meaningless if they don’t define the moral and ethical values of the nation at the same time.

Governments are only as moral as the people running them. To run a government intelligently, the people running that government must be intelligent and rational.

Most governments are not intelligent or rational because most people are not intelligent or rational.

People get the governments they accept. If the people’s standards are low, then the government’s standards will be equally low.

Ultimately, people are in control of the world, but only if they recognize this fact and exercise their power to choose.

It’s all up to you.

Keep the Federal Government Out of Our Lives

One of the more common themes you’ll find from conservatives is the idea that the Federal government has too much control. The right-wing wants the Federal government to butt out of state control over education, religion, and discrimination. That way the states can educate people the way they want (keep them ignorant) allow religion to freely flourish (as long as it’s not a religion they don’t like), and pass laws to allow them to discriminate against anyone they choose (especially gays).

So if states want the Federal government to butt out of their lives, how come these same states like the Federal government spending billions every year building weapons, maintaining military bases, and researching every more effective ways to kill people we don’t like?

Certainly if states don’t like the Federal government telling them they can’t discriminate against gays and lesbians, they should also be fighting against a Federally-controlled military-industrial complex too, right?

Imagine if the Federal government butted out of the military. States would be forced to organize and equip their own militias. Without Federal money, the individual states would never be able to afford expensive aircraft carriers, billion dollar stealth fighter jets designed to combat a threat that isn’t likely to happen, or waste money building nuclear missiles that can blow up the world a thousand times over.

Instead, states would be forced to keep their militias at home so American soldiers wouldn’t be sent overseas to invade countries in a pre-emptive strike that will turn out to be based on faulty intelligence, not to mention the immoral idea that attacking other countries is a valid defensive strategy.

Without Federal money, states would never have hundreds of military bases around the world with troops stationed there, wasting Federal money that could be better spent building our infrastructure at home like roads, bridges, schools, and hospitals.

Perhaps the right wing has a point. If we got rid of all our Federally-funded programs that prop up the military and defense contractors while bankrupting the nation and impoverishing its own citizens, states and their population might really be better off.

So how come states aren’t arguing to reduce Federal spending on the military? After all, they do want the Federal government to butt out of their lives, right?

Religious Freedom vs. Discrimination

Indiana’s governor Mike Pence recently signed a bill (in privacy away from the scrutiny of the media) that protects the right of individuals for religious freedom. That’s great news because that means the Taliban, al-Qaida, and ISIS can now move to Indiana, force everyone to submit to Sharia law, and have full and complete protection from government intrusion under this new religious freedom law.

Perhaps we can even get Boko Haram involved so they can move to Indiana, kidnap hundreds of schoolgirls, sell them into sex slavery while forcing others to become the sex slaves of Boko Haram fighters all under the protection of religious freedom. After all, we wouldn’t want to think Indiana discriminates against Boka Haram because all they want to do is practice their form of religion free from government intrusion.

With the Taliban, al-Qaida, ISIS, and Boko Haram taking over Indiana by shooting men, kidnapping women, and recruiting young children to join their ranks, Indiana’s governor Mike Pence should be more than pleased that he’s allowing religious freedom to protect these groups from government interference. After all, why should the government control what people can say or do when historically religions have been doing that for years?

Perhaps the Mormons can move to Indiana too and start practicing bigamy, which the United States government had earlier forced the Mormons to stop practicing. That’s definitely a clear case of government intrusion into the lives of people who just want religious freedom.

The Ku Klux Klan also practiced their own twisted form of Christianity to justify terrorizing blacks in the South. The burning cross is merely a symbol of Christianity so the KKK should be free to burn crosses on everyone’s lawns in the name of religious freedom.

With so many groups currently banned from practicing their full beliefs until now, Indiana will soon become a religious mecca of complete freedom from government interference. Maybe when the government admits they have no right to interfere with religious freedom, we can even make it legal for the Jehovah Witnesses to visit Mike Pence in Indiana. After a long session talking to a Jehovah Witness, even Mike Pence might want to think twice about granting religious freedom to others without government oversight whatsoever.

Are You a Prostitute?

Are you working with prostitutes? Unless you’re actually walking the streets in fishnet stockings and high heels, chances are most people will say no. Then again, if you look at the definition of a prostitute, the answer is more likely to be yes. the only difference is that the prostitutes you see at work are far uglier and less likely to get you sexually aroused just by looking at them.

At the most literal level, a prostitute is someone who exchanges sex for money, so that pretty much covers at least half of all marriages on the planet with a high percentage of prostitutes marrying politicians, professional athletes, and celebrities. If you go by the strict definition of a prostitute, chances are good you’re not working with any.

However if you avoid the literal definition and consider the concept, chances are good you are working with prostitutes. A prostitute is someone who does something just for the money, so that pretty much covers 90 percent of your co-workers. If you’re honest with yourself, you can see if that covers you too.

Prostitutes in the workplace typically want to make money fast by doing as little as possible, so that covers most union workers and executives right there. The typical characteristic of a prostitute is someone who:

  • Just wants money
  • Cares only for themselves
  • Willing to do what it takes for the money

Using that definition of a prostitute, you can see that practically every workplace is riddled with prostitutes. Instead of wearing short skirts and too much make up, most workplace prostitutes are parading around in standard business clothes, working in a job they don’t like, and tolerating it because they just want the money so they can use it to do what they really want to do, which in many cases is to go see a real prostitute.

If you’re stuck in a job you don’t like that doesn’t fill you with passion and a sense of purpose, guess what? You’re probably a prostitute just showing up for the paycheck and health benefits and doing as little as possible to earn your paycheck. If you don’t want to be a prostitute, then here’s what you need to do.

First, find something you’d be willing to do without being paid for it. By choosing something you love, you’ll increase the chance that you’ll be good at it.

Second, find a way to take what you love and provide a service or product to others. If you love what you’re doing, it will be easy to promote your service or product to others. Based on your passion and enthusiasm, they may likely be swayed to buy from you. The more people buy from you, the more money you’ll make doing something you enjoy doing anyway.

The next time you go to work, first look in the mirror and ask yourself if you’re the prostitute. If so, then it’s time to find a way to live life beyond just sacrificing your life for a paycheck. If sacrificing your dreams for money is your idea of a worthwhile goal, you might as well start walking the streets and servicing every scummy character who gives you money to perform unnatural sex acts with them.

If you’re not truly enjoying your work, you’re already a prostitute so you might as well go all the way and start exchanging sex with strangers too. What have you got to lose if you’ve already sacrificed your dignity and self-respect for money?

 

The Importance of Jobs

Listen to most politicians and they seem most concerned with creating jobs. The main purpose of the Keystone XL pipeline is to create jobs, regardless of the environmental issues and whether we need the pipeline to transport tar sand oil in the first place. When politicians argue for greater defense spending to build nuclear missiles that cost billions and will never be used, they justify it because it creates jobs. When they want to relax environmental regulations it’s because it costs companies jobs.

Since creating jobs is so vitally important to politicians, why not create jobs by hiring people to watch the politicians? One group of citizens can be hired to make sure politicians don’t sleep with their interns. Another can track politicians to make sure they don’t visit prostitutes. Still another group can follow politicians around all day long to make sure they don’t use illegal drugs or have affairs with other women because that would violate the family values so many politicians love to parade out every election year.

We could also hire people to check into every politician’s statements to see if they lied like Brian Williams did when he claimed he was in a helicopter that got hit when it really did not. More people could be hired to check if politicians are accepting bribes or violating the spirit of democracy by accepting kickbacks and granting favors to friends. Citizens can also be hired to check if politicians are giving jobs to friends and relatives that pay extremely well for doing nothing but soaking the taxpayers.

As you can see, there are plenty of ways politicians can create jobs by simply hiring people to make sure the politicians are actually morally and ethically upstanding like they pretend to be. That alone could create enough jobs for the entire nation and eliminate unemployment forever in this great nation of ours.

So if politicians are serious about creating jobs, this is the answer. The fact that politicians won’t embrace the idea of hiring an army of people to monitor them shows that they’re really not concerned about creating jobs anyway, but if you had just a smidgin of intelligence, you probably already knew that.

Advice From Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby has come under fire recently for sexual allegations spanning back several decades. It’s gotten so bad that Bill Cosby is thinking about salvaging his reputation in the public’s eye by changing his name to O.J. Simpson.

With Bill Cosby’s upcoming comedy special cancelled and his latest sitcom project halted, perhaps Bill Cosby should go into the advice column business so he can provide people with specific suggestions unique to his own particular background.

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Dear Bill,

My boyfriend says that I’m beautiful.  But, I always catch him
looking at other women. Is there a problem with our relationship?

Signed Insecure

 

Dear Insecure,

Men naturally enjoy letting their eyes wander over other women. Even blind men like to check out other women, and that can get pretty messy because they only know Braille so they have to read everything with their fingertips. But getting back to your question, why not fight fire with fire and send me a picture of yourself in compromising positions? Once your boyfriend sees me on the Internet sharing your pictures with other men, he’ll either keep his eyes on you where they belong or you can tell him to take a hike and find yourself another boyfriend who truly appreciates you for who you are.

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Dear Bill,

I like girls but I’m shy and am afraid to ask any girls out. What should I do?

Signed Bashful

 

Dear Bashful,

Psychologists say the best way to overcome any phobia is to face your fears. So if you can’t look your fear in the face, then at least look at their legs, breasts, or butts like I always do right after a woman mysteriously passes out in the privacy of my room. After you stare at a few good-looking babes and start treating them as sex objects like I do, you’ll find that nothing overcomes fear faster than desire.

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Dear Bill,

My husband has been spending a lot of extra time at work. Then on the weekends, he likes to play golf with his friends.  It seems as though he never likes to spend any time with me.  Should I be concerned?

Signed Left at Home

 

Dear Left at Home,

Actually your husband should be the one concerned, especially when he realizes that none of his children are starting to look a thing like him. If your husband enjoys golf over his own wife, the next time he asks for sex, tell him to try for a hole in one of his buddies instead. But before you take such a drastic route, remember that your husband may not even know that you want him to spend more time with you. Give him some ideas and let him know exactly how you feel (and I mean that physically as well as emotionally). If he still doesn’t want to spend time with you, just remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy a game of golf with the right caddy, and you don’t even have to be on the golf course to do it.

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Dear Bill,

I’m an older man and still single. Can you give me any ideas for how I could meet more women around my age?

Signed Old and Lonely

 

Dear Old and Lonely,

How about getting a job as a divorce lawyer? That way you’d always get first crack at all the single women.

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Dear Bill,

When my boyfriend and I are in bed, he likes to pull me against him and fart.  I find this disgusting, but he just laughs and says I take things too seriously.  Do I?

Signed Grossed Out

 

Dear Grossed Out,

I used to have a problem like that too, except my girlfriend used to pull me close to her so we could snuggle after sex. I didn’t take that seriously and neither should you. Just do what I did and turn the tables. The next time your boyfriend pulls you close to him, stay close and demand that you snuggle. After a few times of this, your boyfriend won’t be pulling you close to him any more. In fact, he may not even want to have sex with you any more either. It’s only when he starts pulling other guys close to him and farting on them that you should really begin to worry.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My husband is always making fun of my sister because she is heavy.  He claims that she is a “pig.”  Why is he being so mean?  Do I have to tolerate this?

Signed Slim

 

Dear Slim,

At least now you don’t have to worry about your husband ever wanting to sleep with your sister, so you should wish that all women would look that big. Just remember, looks aren’t everything. Let your husband know that you love your sister and calling her a pig hurts you. Then again, if you ever get into a fight with your sister, it’s nice to know that your husband will back you up in case you ever decide to call her a pig too.

How to Avoid Unemployment

Ask most people why they’re out of a job and they’ll complain about the poor economy, corporate downsizing, or because the moon was under the influence of Saturn. Obviously, the real reason so many people are out of a job is because the moon is really under the influence of Venus. Once you understand this simple concept, it’s easy to straighten out your life and remain gainfully employed for the rest of your life.

For those who fail to believe in the all encompassing power of astrology to directly influence the conditions of your life while overlooking the millions of other people on the planet born at the same time as you, there’s another reason why you might be unemployed. Don’t ask yourself what kind of a job you can do. Ask yourself what kind of results you can accomplish.

The reason why so many people don’t focus on the results they can achieve is simple. They can’t achieve any results whatsoever even if their lives depended on it. Just ask yourself what your boss could do if a hoard of carnivorous zombies descended on your workplace. If your boss is like most managers and executives, the only useful result they could achieve is to sacrifice their own bodies as zombie food so people who actually have a reason to live could escape.

Examine any organization and you can find plenty of bloated payrolls supporting absolutely useless people who create nothing while sucking the energy out of the room with their negativity and pessimism. It’s no secret that when times are hard, companies trim their most useless employees. Your job as an employee is to make yourself so useful that the company literally can’t afford to let you go. Failing that, a second method to stay gainfully employed at your current job is to blackmail your boss and his or her boss as well.

Creating useful results is what everyone’s real job is supposed to be. Yet too many people hide behind the faceless facade of a bureaucracy so they can avoid responsibility while doing as little as possible. In the old days, such lazy and useless people were called parasites, but today such lazy and useless people are called Congressmen.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a government job where you could soak the taxpayers to fund your own luxurious lifestyle that involves avoiding real work whenever possible, chances are good you’ll always be unemployed if you cannot produce any useful results. A cashier in a restaurant produces the result of taking money from customers. A pickpocket in a restaurant can also produce the result of taking money from customers. It’s just that one method is illegal.

Results are all that matters. What can you do for your employer? Surprisingly, a large number of people have discovered this secret to avoiding unemployment, except they’re usually called prostitutes. In the corporate world, these same people are also called prostitutes, but they may have real titles as executives or managers.

The point is that if you can’t produce useful results for an employer, you’ve already failed to do your job. Remember, your job is always to produce a useful result for someone else. College graduates often fail to recognize this simple principle that street hookers understand intuitively, which pretty much shows you the value of a college education these days.

So if you want to avoid unemployment, be someone who can produce useful results. If your current employer can’t keep you, then go to their biggest rival. If you can truly produce results, your current employer’s rivals will be happy to hire you away, and then you can work so hard to put your former employer out of business. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your ex-boss standing on a street corner, begging for spare change. If the sight of your ex-boss reduced to a quivering, pathetic human being doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then it really doesn’t matter if you have a job or not.

No Straight Answers

Watch any politician on TV and when they’re asked a question, they rarely answer it with a straight yes and no reply. Instead, they use the question as a starting point for what they want to say. That’s because politicians, like parents, don’t want to risk getting caught in their own lies, contradictions, and hypocrisy. When you’re already on top, why risk screwing up and soiling your reputation?

That’s why we should make it a law that all politicians have to give straightforward yes and no answers before they launch into their bombastic speech that has nothing to do with the question at hand. It’s pointless to ask a politician a straightforward question because they’ll never answer it. As a kid, they probably had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Did you break that lamp?

Kid: The lamp that you’re referring to is fragile because the company making the lamp used cheap materials. That’s why I’m pushing for a law that gives workers more rights to higher wages based on the profitability of the corporation so that corporate executives can no longer plunder a corporate treasury for their own benefit.

Mom: Is it too late to have an abortion now?

The next time you see a politician avoiding answering a question, look to see what he or she really wants to say. Then look at what they’re not saying.

Of course, it’s far easier just to ignore politicians altogether since voting has little effect on their actions compared to the massive lobbying that special interest groups can exert on them on a daily basis with costly gifts and promises of voter support.

The next time you have to talk to a politician, don’t give up until you get a straightforward yes or no reply to your question. Chances are good you’ll be asking questions forever.