Category Archives: Advice

The Importance of Jobs

Listen to most politicians and they seem most concerned with creating jobs. The main purpose of the Keystone XL pipeline is to create jobs, regardless of the environmental issues and whether we need the pipeline to transport tar sand oil in the first place. When politicians argue for greater defense spending to build nuclear missiles that cost billions and will never be used, they justify it because it creates jobs. When they want to relax environmental regulations it’s because it costs companies jobs.

Since creating jobs is so vitally important to politicians, why not create jobs by hiring people to watch the politicians? One group of citizens can be hired to make sure politicians don’t sleep with their interns. Another can track politicians to make sure they don’t visit prostitutes. Still another group can follow politicians around all day long to make sure they don’t use illegal drugs or have affairs with other women because that would violate the family values so many politicians love to parade out every election year.

We could also hire people to check into every politician’s statements to see if they lied like Brian Williams did when he claimed he was in a helicopter that got hit when it really did not. More people could be hired to check if politicians are accepting bribes or violating the spirit of democracy by accepting kickbacks and granting favors to friends. Citizens can also be hired to check if politicians are giving jobs to friends and relatives that pay extremely well for doing nothing but soaking the taxpayers.

As you can see, there are plenty of ways politicians can create jobs by simply hiring people to make sure the politicians are actually morally and ethically upstanding like they pretend to be. That alone could create enough jobs for the entire nation and eliminate unemployment forever in this great nation of ours.

So if politicians are serious about creating jobs, this is the answer. The fact that politicians won’t embrace the idea of hiring an army of people to monitor them shows that they’re really not concerned about creating jobs anyway, but if you had just a smidgin of intelligence, you probably already knew that.

Advice From Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby has come under fire recently for sexual allegations spanning back several decades. It’s gotten so bad that Bill Cosby is thinking about salvaging his reputation in the public’s eye by changing his name to O.J. Simpson.

With Bill Cosby’s upcoming comedy special cancelled and his latest sitcom project halted, perhaps Bill Cosby should go into the advice column business so he can provide people with specific suggestions unique to his own particular background.

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Dear Bill,

My boyfriend says that I’m beautiful.  But, I always catch him
looking at other women. Is there a problem with our relationship?

Signed Insecure

 

Dear Insecure,

Men naturally enjoy letting their eyes wander over other women. Even blind men like to check out other women, and that can get pretty messy because they only know Braille so they have to read everything with their fingertips. But getting back to your question, why not fight fire with fire and send me a picture of yourself in compromising positions? Once your boyfriend sees me on the Internet sharing your pictures with other men, he’ll either keep his eyes on you where they belong or you can tell him to take a hike and find yourself another boyfriend who truly appreciates you for who you are.

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Dear Bill,

I like girls but I’m shy and am afraid to ask any girls out. What should I do?

Signed Bashful

 

Dear Bashful,

Psychologists say the best way to overcome any phobia is to face your fears. So if you can’t look your fear in the face, then at least look at their legs, breasts, or butts like I always do right after a woman mysteriously passes out in the privacy of my room. After you stare at a few good-looking babes and start treating them as sex objects like I do, you’ll find that nothing overcomes fear faster than desire.

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Dear Bill,

My husband has been spending a lot of extra time at work. Then on the weekends, he likes to play golf with his friends.  It seems as though he never likes to spend any time with me.  Should I be concerned?

Signed Left at Home

 

Dear Left at Home,

Actually your husband should be the one concerned, especially when he realizes that none of his children are starting to look a thing like him. If your husband enjoys golf over his own wife, the next time he asks for sex, tell him to try for a hole in one of his buddies instead. But before you take such a drastic route, remember that your husband may not even know that you want him to spend more time with you. Give him some ideas and let him know exactly how you feel (and I mean that physically as well as emotionally). If he still doesn’t want to spend time with you, just remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy a game of golf with the right caddy, and you don’t even have to be on the golf course to do it.

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Dear Bill,

I’m an older man and still single. Can you give me any ideas for how I could meet more women around my age?

Signed Old and Lonely

 

Dear Old and Lonely,

How about getting a job as a divorce lawyer? That way you’d always get first crack at all the single women.

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Dear Bill,

When my boyfriend and I are in bed, he likes to pull me against him and fart.  I find this disgusting, but he just laughs and says I take things too seriously.  Do I?

Signed Grossed Out

 

Dear Grossed Out,

I used to have a problem like that too, except my girlfriend used to pull me close to her so we could snuggle after sex. I didn’t take that seriously and neither should you. Just do what I did and turn the tables. The next time your boyfriend pulls you close to him, stay close and demand that you snuggle. After a few times of this, your boyfriend won’t be pulling you close to him any more. In fact, he may not even want to have sex with you any more either. It’s only when he starts pulling other guys close to him and farting on them that you should really begin to worry.

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Dear Bill,

My husband is always making fun of my sister because she is heavy.  He claims that she is a “pig.”  Why is he being so mean?  Do I have to tolerate this?

Signed Slim

 

Dear Slim,

At least now you don’t have to worry about your husband ever wanting to sleep with your sister, so you should wish that all women would look that big. Just remember, looks aren’t everything. Let your husband know that you love your sister and calling her a pig hurts you. Then again, if you ever get into a fight with your sister, it’s nice to know that your husband will back you up in case you ever decide to call her a pig too.

How to Avoid Unemployment

Ask most people why they’re out of a job and they’ll complain about the poor economy, corporate downsizing, or because the moon was under the influence of Saturn. Obviously, the real reason so many people are out of a job is because the moon is really under the influence of Venus. Once you understand this simple concept, it’s easy to straighten out your life and remain gainfully employed for the rest of your life.

For those who fail to believe in the all encompassing power of astrology to directly influence the conditions of your life while overlooking the millions of other people on the planet born at the same time as you, there’s another reason why you might be unemployed. Don’t ask yourself what kind of a job you can do. Ask yourself what kind of results you can accomplish.

The reason why so many people don’t focus on the results they can achieve is simple. They can’t achieve any results whatsoever even if their lives depended on it. Just ask yourself what your boss could do if a hoard of carnivorous zombies descended on your workplace. If your boss is like most managers and executives, the only useful result they could achieve is to sacrifice their own bodies as zombie food so people who actually have a reason to live could escape.

Examine any organization and you can find plenty of bloated payrolls supporting absolutely useless people who create nothing while sucking the energy out of the room with their negativity and pessimism. It’s no secret that when times are hard, companies trim their most useless employees. Your job as an employee is to make yourself so useful that the company literally can’t afford to let you go. Failing that, a second method to stay gainfully employed at your current job is to blackmail your boss and his or her boss as well.

Creating useful results is what everyone’s real job is supposed to be. Yet too many people hide behind the faceless facade of a bureaucracy so they can avoid responsibility while doing as little as possible. In the old days, such lazy and useless people were called parasites, but today such lazy and useless people are called Congressmen.

Unless you’re lucky enough to get a government job where you could soak the taxpayers to fund your own luxurious lifestyle that involves avoiding real work whenever possible, chances are good you’ll always be unemployed if you cannot produce any useful results. A cashier in a restaurant produces the result of taking money from customers. A pickpocket in a restaurant can also produce the result of taking money from customers. It’s just that one method is illegal.

Results are all that matters. What can you do for your employer? Surprisingly, a large number of people have discovered this secret to avoiding unemployment, except they’re usually called prostitutes. In the corporate world, these same people are also called prostitutes, but they may have real titles as executives or managers.

The point is that if you can’t produce useful results for an employer, you’ve already failed to do your job. Remember, your job is always to produce a useful result for someone else. College graduates often fail to recognize this simple principle that street hookers understand intuitively, which pretty much shows you the value of a college education these days.

So if you want to avoid unemployment, be someone who can produce useful results. If your current employer can’t keep you, then go to their biggest rival. If you can truly produce results, your current employer’s rivals will be happy to hire you away, and then you can work so hard to put your former employer out of business. After all, there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing your ex-boss standing on a street corner, begging for spare change. If the sight of your ex-boss reduced to a quivering, pathetic human being doesn’t bring a smile to your face, then it really doesn’t matter if you have a job or not.

No Straight Answers

Watch any politician on TV and when they’re asked a question, they rarely answer it with a straight yes and no reply. Instead, they use the question as a starting point for what they want to say. That’s because politicians, like parents, don’t want to risk getting caught in their own lies, contradictions, and hypocrisy. When you’re already on top, why risk screwing up and soiling your reputation?

That’s why we should make it a law that all politicians have to give straightforward yes and no answers before they launch into their bombastic speech that has nothing to do with the question at hand. It’s pointless to ask a politician a straightforward question because they’ll never answer it. As a kid, they probably had a conversation that went something like this:

Mom: Did you break that lamp?

Kid: The lamp that you’re referring to is fragile because the company making the lamp used cheap materials. That’s why I’m pushing for a law that gives workers more rights to higher wages based on the profitability of the corporation so that corporate executives can no longer plunder a corporate treasury for their own benefit.

Mom: Is it too late to have an abortion now?

The next time you see a politician avoiding answering a question, look to see what he or she really wants to say. Then look at what they’re not saying.

Of course, it’s far easier just to ignore politicians altogether since voting has little effect on their actions compared to the massive lobbying that special interest groups can exert on them on a daily basis with costly gifts and promises of voter support.

The next time you have to talk to a politician, don’t give up until you get a straightforward yes or no reply to your question. Chances are good you’ll be asking questions forever.

The Philosophy of Laziness

Take one person who has been tortured by his government, witnessed his entire family massacred by death squads, and toss that traumatized person in a country where he doesn’t know the language, the culture, or anyone in the entire nation. What are this person’s chances of success?

Now take the same person, raise him in a comfortable middle-class home, give him decent set of parents, plenty of food, clean water, and access to education, and set him loose in the same country where he knows the language, the culture, and many of the people. What are the chances this person will succeed?

Somewhat ironically, the first person, who doesn’t know the language or culture, often has a greater chance for success than someone born with all the advantages of a rich country. Just look at many of your own relatives to witness blatant failure on a capital scale right in front of your face. If racists think their particular race is the superior one, they haven’t been to their own family reunions yet.

Within a few years, immigrants come to America, learn English, start their own businesses, and often become millionaires. Within that same time period, Americans born in this country graduate from school, whine about not finding a job, complain about the politicians in office, and wind up working menial jobs for the immigrant who didn’t know English just a few short years ago.

How does this happen? While it’s easy to believe that most people are stupid, the simple answer is that most people are stupid. Not only that, but they’re also lazy with an entitlement mentality that says life should be easy and lucrative for them just because they exist. These are the same people who still believe in the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, and that voting actually matters in a democracy like America.

Given the massive handicap of not speaking English and not knowing the culture, you would think immigrants would be forever hampered and trapped in poverty for the rest of their lives. Yet it’s often Americans born in this country who remain forever trapped in poverty and mediocrity for the rest of their lives. How do so many Americans throw away their advantage living in a land of opportunity? The answer is simple. Most people are stupid.

Just visit any public area and you can witness mass stupidity in action on a daily basis. Look at the person shopping for fancy clothes to look good while completely neglecting the idea of developing their own personality into something more pleasant. Look at the person who spends money as a way to feel satisfied with their lives while ignoring the real problems in their world. Look at the person whose retirement plan consists of playing the lottery until they win. Given these vast numbers of stupid people, you would think the United States military would have no trouble finding people fully qualified to work as involuntary suicide bombers.

The truth is that success comes to those who actively work for it. Just because you were born in a country doesn’t mean you’ll actually take advantage of your native language and make a success of yourself. Given a choice between being tortured in their home country or taking a chance to work hard in America, it’s easy to see why immigrants succeed so often.

Given a choice between working a job or watching TV, it’s easy to see why so many lazy people prefer watching TV instead of actually doing anything productive with their lives. The reason for this? People are stupid.

So if Americans really want to find success in their lives, they should sneak across the border to Mexico, teach themselves Spanish, work as maids or gardeners, and within a few short years, they’ll master Spanish, run their own business, and become millionaires before their friends back home can graduate from school with a D- grade point average.

The path to success is easy. Just cross a border illegally and work your butt off to survive. I wonder why so many high school students don’t want to do that simple step to achieve success in their lives?

Making Stupid Choices

Imagine waking up one day and finding a man pointing a gun at your head. He gives you two choices. First, you can walk out the door and there’s a chance if he shoots you, he’ll miss and you’ll get away. Second, you can sit still, do nothing, and get a 100% chance he’ll shoot you in the forehead and kill you. What would you do?

Surprisingly, when given a choice between certain death or a chance at escape, most people would sit still, whine and complain at how unfair life can be, cower in fear at the uncertainty that getting up and running out the door might bring to their lives, and wind up taking the bullet to the forehead. That just shows that most people deserve a bullet to the forehead if they’re too stupid to save themselves.

While this choice might sound silly, it highlights the fact that humans make all kinds of unwise decisions that hurt themselves in the long run. Everyone knows cigarettes are bad for you. Even long-time chain smokers know this. Yet they continue smoking anyway. Why? Because it’s easier not to change and suffer the consequences later rather than change and suffer the uncomfortableness now.

So given a choice between uncertainty now or certain failure tomorrow, most people are happier choosing certain failure. This is the reason why democracies don’t work because when the majority of the people are stupid, they can make stupid decisions together. Just ask all those Germans how well their democratic elections worked out when they all thought Hitler had the solution to their problems.

The smartest people are those willing to admit they may not be so smart after all. The dumbest people are those who believe they’re smart and don’t need to do anything to change. The irrationality of the human race might be why intelligent beings from other planets are smart enough never to make contact with humans in the first place.

Look at people around you and you can find plenty of people who make poor choices from the alcoholic wetting himself while sleeping on the sidewalk to the rich lawyer who lies and cheats his way to the top, only to get mad when his wife cheats on him with someone else. People are stupid when they don’t think, but amazingly brilliant when they make an effort to think.

Which type of person do you want to be? If you have to think about your answer, chances are good you already know what choices you’ve already made.