Category Archives: Humor and Satire

A Way to Balance the Budget

Every year, Congress complains that they can’t balance the budget while they spend taxpayer money on their own luxury trips around the world, hiring mistresses as private secretaries, and funnel government contracts to friends and relatives while complaining that serving the public is somehow a hardship.

Since the recent Pacquiao/Mayweather fight recently earned close to half a billion dollars, the answer to balancing the budget by raising money is clear. Have pay-per view broadcasts of Congressmen beating the living daylights out of each other.

If Congressmen (and women) are serious about doing everything they can to serve this country, then risking skull fractures, concussions, and broken jaws should be an available option for them as well. Put two Congressmen in a ring and let them beat each other to a bloody pulp. Now regardless of who wins, the public will at least get their money’s worth, the money from pay-per view can go towards balancing the budget, and everyone gets to see their favorite Congressmen get beaten to a pulp live on TV.

To make the action even more exciting, make the fight last until one Congressman is knocked unconscious. To prevent faking injuries, allow the victor to designate a member of the public to rape the unconscious Congressman in the boxing ring after the fight. This will insure that neither Congressman will have an incentive to take a dive to the canvas and end the fight earlier to avoid physical pummeling.

Congressmen say they’re interested in serving the public, so let’s take them at their word and see how interested they are in getting their nose broken to help balance the budget. If they’re not willing to shed a little of their own blood to help make this country better, then obviously they’re not really interested in serving the public. In which case they should be kicked out of office and have their taxpayer funded pension and health care stripped away from them and given to a citizen chosen at random. After all, why should Congressmen get the benefits of taxpayer-funded pensions and health care when the taxpayers themselves don’t get similar benefits?

Perhaps if watching two Congressmen beat each other to a pulp on live TV proves profitable, we could expand this program to include international politicians as well. As long as the only people getting hurt are politicians, that will be a definite improvement from the way the system works by hurting taxpayers today.

The Pro-Life Mindset

Abortion is murder. That’s the basic idea behind the pro-life movement. If you accept that a fetus, at the time of conception, is a living creature and abortion takes a human life, then you’re firmly in the pro-life side of understanding that abortion is murder.

Yet while pro-life advocates protect unborn fetuses because they want to respect the sanctity of life, where were all the pro-life advocates when a white police officer shot and killed an unarmed black teenager in Ferguson, Missouri?

After all, an unarmed black teenager represents life just as much as an unborn fetus. Whether the black teenager committed a crime or attacked the police officer is irrelevant. What matters is that he was alive and the white police officer, for whatever reason, was responsible for killing him. That’s taking a life just as much as aborting an unborn fetus.

You also never saw pro-life advocates protesting the Vietnam War when F-4 Phantom jets were spraying napalm on villages filled with men, women, and children who had no idea what was going on. Obviously men, women, and children in Vietnamese villages are forms of human life just like unborn fetuses, so where were the pro-life advocates then?

Whenever there’s war, death penalties, and police shootings, the pro-life advocates fail to come out in force to protect the sanctity of life. So based on their actions, the answer is clear. Abortion can be morally acceptable if we just classify unborn fetuses as communist, non-Christian, minorities. Now we can slaughter as many fetuses in abortion clinics and pro-life advocates, based on their past actions, should be happy.

Forget about using a scalpel to scrape out a fetus in an abortion. Let’s spray napalm in those uteruses and root out those fetuses like communist villagers in Vietnam.

Don’t even think of taking pills to prevent pregnancy when you can using a fire squad to kill an unborn fetus like a prisoner on death row.  We don’t need abortion clinics to wipe out generations of fetuses. We just need to send in the Marines to blow up everything that could keep a fetus alive. After all, that’s what we did in Iraq and pro-life advocates didn’t seem to mind watching cruise missiles, live on CNN, blowing up buildings in Baghdad and killing untold numbers of innocent civilians caught in the crossfire.

If pro-life advocates want to stop abortions because it’s murder, then they should also stop war, the death penalty, and police shootings for the same reason. It’s murder to take a human life, so let’s get all those pro-life advocates together and after they get done bombing an abortion clinic, we can get them to use their bomb-making skills and gunnery skills to mow down innocent people in the Middle East and in our own backyards where poor minorities live in neighborhoods condemned to poverty.

After all, life is precious whether it’s in the form of a fetus, a poor minority, a non-Christian, or someone living in another country that happens to have natural resources that our multinational corporations want to exploit.

I’m sure even pro-life advocates would agree with me on this one. Provided, of course, that they’re actually pro-life.

The Importance of Jobs

Listen to most politicians and they seem most concerned with creating jobs. The main purpose of the Keystone XL pipeline is to create jobs, regardless of the environmental issues and whether we need the pipeline to transport tar sand oil in the first place. When politicians argue for greater defense spending to build nuclear missiles that cost billions and will never be used, they justify it because it creates jobs. When they want to relax environmental regulations it’s because it costs companies jobs.

Since creating jobs is so vitally important to politicians, why not create jobs by hiring people to watch the politicians? One group of citizens can be hired to make sure politicians don’t sleep with their interns. Another can track politicians to make sure they don’t visit prostitutes. Still another group can follow politicians around all day long to make sure they don’t use illegal drugs or have affairs with other women because that would violate the family values so many politicians love to parade out every election year.

We could also hire people to check into every politician’s statements to see if they lied like Brian Williams did when he claimed he was in a helicopter that got hit when it really did not. More people could be hired to check if politicians are accepting bribes or violating the spirit of democracy by accepting kickbacks and granting favors to friends. Citizens can also be hired to check if politicians are giving jobs to friends and relatives that pay extremely well for doing nothing but soaking the taxpayers.

As you can see, there are plenty of ways politicians can create jobs by simply hiring people to make sure the politicians are actually morally and ethically upstanding like they pretend to be. That alone could create enough jobs for the entire nation and eliminate unemployment forever in this great nation of ours.

So if politicians are serious about creating jobs, this is the answer. The fact that politicians won’t embrace the idea of hiring an army of people to monitor them shows that they’re really not concerned about creating jobs anyway, but if you had just a smidgin of intelligence, you probably already knew that.

Reclassifying the Homeless as Weapons Systems

Every year politicians complain that they can’t afford to help the poor. Yet every year politicians never seem to have a problem voting themselves pay raises or spending government money on billion dollar weapons systems just because they’ll create jobs in their districts.

Since the government always seems to have money for weapons but never seems to have enough money for the poor, the answer is simple. We need to reclassify homeless people as weapons delivery systems.

This country currently spends billions of dollars building and maintaining ICBMs, nuclear submarines, and B-52/B-1 bombers armed with nuclear tipped cruise missiles. Amazingly, the purpose of these billion dollar systems is to scare enemies so we never have to use them at all. So that’s the secret for helping the homeless.

Just as terrorists use suicide bombers to terrorize governments, so should governments recruit homeless people to become suicide bombers. The goal, of course, is not to actually use them but to maintain them as a credible threat against an adversary. If ISIS or al-Qaeda thinks they can terrorize us by sending a suicide bomber into a shopping mall, guess what? We can retaliate by sending our own suicide bomber into a Middle Eastern market and terrorize their people as well.

By reclassifying homeless people as weapons delivery systems, our government will suddenly have plenty of money to house, feed, and medically care for all the homeless people in the nation. We can get them off the street, get them the medical and psychiatric care that they need, and help turn many of them back into productive members of society.

Housing and caring for homeless suicide bombers would also create jobs, so the politicians can get behind it. After all, someone needs to build housing for the poor, cook food for all these hungry mouths, and provide medical care to make sure our weapons systems are in top physical condition to carry out their mission if necessary.

Best of all, we never even have to send any of these homeless people into combat as suicide bombers. We just have to threaten to use them and let other countries know we have them ready just in case. It’s the same deterrent system that we use with nuclear weapons only on a smaller scale. The goal is to spend as much as possible on weapons we never plan to use.

Think of the self-esteem and ego boost homeless people will suddenly get knowing that they’re considered patriots that other people acknowledge and accept. As weapons delivery systems, homeless people will get a fresh start to change their lives for the better, and all it takes is for our government to see them as a defensive asset rather than an annoying liability of unfair and unjust economic policies that favor the rich.

Turning homeless people into weapons is the only solution. The government will have no problems finding funding, society will support it as long as it creates jobs, and even the homeless people will embrace this new program to boost their self-esteem.

Just don’t tell the Russians, Chinese, or Middle Eastern terrorist groups what we’re planning to do. The last thing we need is a homeless weapon system arms race on our hands.

The Poor Have It Easy

According to the latest survey by  the Pew Research Center, 54% of those with the greatest financial security believe that “poor people today have it easy because they can get government benefits without doing anything in return.”

To test this theory, let’s chat with two men both named Tom. Tom A. lives off a trust fund from the millions his great-grandfather earned while developing the railroads in this country that exploited immigrants. Tom B. makes minimum wage working at a fast food restaurant, takes the bus to work, and lives in a tiny apartment with his wife and three kids. Let’s see which one has the easier life as we go through a typical day with the two Toms.

Every morning, Tom A. has to suffer the agonizing decision on how to spend his time. Not having a job or needing to go to school, Tom A.’s toughest decision every month is when to cash his monthly trust fund check. To top it off, sometimes he has to wait in the bank line up to ten minutes! That keeps Tom A. from lounging in the coffee shops where he can hang out with his friends, try to pick up women, and surf the Internet on his latest tablet and smartphone that he uses to check on his stock portfolio to see how many thousands of dollars he made or lost in the stock market. What a tough life!

On the other hand, Tom B. has it so much easier. After four hours of sleep, Tom B. wakes up after a night working as a security guard in a warehouse, earning minimum wage. Now he has to rush to the bus stop (subsidized by taxpayer money), wait up to 15 minutes in the cold for the crowded bus to arrive, then ride 30 minutes to a fast food restaurant that serves breakfast. Once at work, Tom B. has to work another eight hour shift at minimum wage so the combination of his two job incomes can pay his rent, his food, and second-hand clothes for his children. He never has enough money to take a vacation or buy his children anything but the most inexpensive toys for Christmas. To make matters worse, Tom B. even has the gall to accept food stamps to feed his family, and even accepts government cheese! What a freeloader!

In the afternoon, Tom A. finishes dining in the finest restaurants, living comfortably off his trust fund income that generates more money than his expenses, but that doesn’t stop Tom A. from trying! Last month he bought a Lamborghini for $250,000, got drunk, and promptly wrecked it by crashing into a telephone pole. He actually had to pay for a replacement Lamborghini out of his own pocket because his insurance company refused to cover accidents created by drunk driving. Every time Tom A. sees a public bus rumble down the street, he sighs with envy, knowing that all of those people inside only had to pay a minimal fee to ride the bus every day while Tom A. has to drive his Lamborghini himself, park it, and even pay for his own gas. Life is so unfair.

While Tom A. drives aimlessly around town in his Lamborghini, Tom B. barely takes a ten minute break before rushing back to work again. At the end of the day, he gets to wait another fifteen minutes for the bus to pick him up and take him back home. While Tom B. was working in the fast food restaurant, his children went to public school (another free perk courtesy of the rich taxpayers), located in a poor neighborhood near Tom B.’s apartment. There the children had to deal with indifferent teachers (paid for by taxpayer money), get to class past school gangs selling drugs and carrying weapons, and if they get good grades and work hard, their substandard education from a mediocre school district will reward them with an automatic rejection from almost any college in America because they simply won’t be prepared for schooling beyond the fifth grade, despite their apparent high school diploma. Tom B.’s children can then look forward to a future of minimum wage, manual labor, probably working at two jobs like Tom B. does just to get by every month. Look how easy their life is in comparison! Tom B.’s life is perfectly planned. He has to work at two jobs every day, six days a week. On the other hand, Tom A. doesn’t have to work at all, yet must spend each day in agonizing turmoil as he must decide whether to drive the Lamborghini, the Maserati, or just stay home in his mansion and swim in his Olympic size swimming pool. Too many choices! The poor obviously have it much easier!

As the day ends, Tom A. is simply overwhelmed. His days seem to drift off into the ether with little accomplished and nothing achieved beyond idle leisure either at home or on his occasional trips overseas where he flies first-class to visit cities like Paris, Beijing, London, Sydney, and Bombay just to alleviate his boredom with his life. How Tom A. longs for the rigid, strict schedule that Tom B. must follow that’s such an easier intellectual ordeal that involves no thinking whatsoever!

As Tom B.’s day ends, he has little time for leisure as he must rush to his second job as the night watchman. This means spending little time with his children so they wound up raising themselves with he help of their friends and the neighborhood street gangs that will likely initiate them into a life of crime, prostitution, drug dealing, human trafficking, and assassination. Then when Tom B.’s children inevitably get caught by the police, they’ll enjoy a care-free life in a maximum security prison where they’ll get free health care, free food, and even a bed to sleep in at night, all without having to work for it! The unfairness of this situation greatly annoys Tom A. as he mulls over all the ways the poor have it much easier than his own life as he jet sets around the world, paying for his own illicit drugs, and bedding women from around the world who are only attracted to his easy money that he throws around everywhere he goes.

Now by comparing the lives of Tom A. (the rich one) and Tom B. (the poor one), it’s obvious that the poor have it much easier than the rich. What can we do to rebalance this inequality? Let’s start by cutting all government assistance to the poor, forcing the poor to work as slaves, and rounding up the poor into slums like they do in Brazil where they can live among the trash heaps teaming with disease-carrying rats. The poor don’t know how well off they really have it. If Tom A. and his friends had it their way, he would make the poor work as indentured servants to people like himself for the rest of their lives. It’s the least the poor can do to alleviate the pain and suffering that the rich go through every day.

Why the First Intelligent Computer Will Not Be Made By Communists

“The primitive forms of artificial intelligence we already have, have proved very useful. But I think the development of full artificial intelligence could spell the end of the human race.”

— Stephen Hawking

Buried 1,000 meters under the Karmasutra mountain in North Liecenastan (not to be confused with the democratic republic of South Liecenastan, which was propped up with millions in generous foreign aid from Western democracies, terrified of the communist state of North Liecenastan), Dr. Tang was hard at work inside the concrete bunker that had been his home for the past twenty-nine years. For all of his life and several years in addition to that, Dr. Tang had dreamt of creating his ultimate masterpiece that would be the biggest scientific breakthrough in world domination since the introduction of American fast food franchises in Third World nations.

In a moment, he would finally see his creation come to life, and all it would take to fulfill his dream would be the turn of one more screw holding the last panel in place.

“Comrade!” shouted the guttural voice of General Zykanofski, Dr. Tang’s government supervisor, bureaucratic liaison, and overall pain in the neck. “How much longer until you finish this computer of yours?”

Dr. Tang dropped the screwdriver at the sound of General Zykanofski’s irritating voice.The screw fell to the floor, bounced crazily on the concrete floor of the laboratory, then rolled underneath the bulk of Dr. Tang’s creation. Dr. Tang shrugged and shoved the panel in place, then slid a chair to keep it from falling to fulfill the function that the now-lost screw should have done.

“A few more months,” Dr. Tang said. “I will have it working by the end of the year.”

“Promises again!” General Zykanofski spat out his words as if he were eating sushi for the first time and just realized that it consisted of raw fish. “We have already given you numerous extensions. We can not afford to delay our plans any longer.”

“Patience, my friend,” Dr. Tang said. “We are ahead of the Japanese and we are ahead of the Americans. Soon we will be the only ones with the world’s first intelligent computer.”

General Zykanofski grumbled under his breath so Dr. Tang couldn’t hear. “Intelligent, humph. These scientist types are also making outrageous claims that they can never fulfill.” Then in a louder voice so Dr. Tang could hear him, General Zykanofski continued. “How will we know if it works or not?
“So that is what has been on your mind all this time, eh? Why didn’t you say so?” Now Dr. Tang grumbled under his breath so General Zykanofski couldn’t hear. “Intelligent, humph. These government types wouldn’t know intelligence if it slapped them in the face.” Then in a louder voice so General Zykanofski could hear, Dr. Tang continued. “Do you fear that computers will never be able to ‘think’ in the same sense that people do?”

General Zykanofski folded his arms across his chest. “I have my suspicions.”

“Then we shall dispel those doubts immediately. Sit!” Dr. Tang pulled the chair away from the computer so General Zykanofski could have a seat. The panel that the chair had been holding up immediately fell and landed on the concrete floor with a metallic clang.

Dr. Tang pointed to the monolithic computer dominating the room in front of them. “When the display comes on,” Dr. Tang said, “you will see the computer’s intelligence before your very eyes.”

With a click, a whirl, a hum, and a musical chime, the computer booted up. Then out of nowhere, a distinctively human voice said, “Hello?”

Dr. Tang slapped General Zykanofski on the back. “You see? It works!”

General Zykanofski frowned. “This is artificial intelligence?”

Dr. Tang pointed at the computer as if showing a child Santa Claus to demonstrate the safety of sitting in a strange man’s lap in a shopping mall. “Talk to it,” he whispered.

General Zykanofski cleared his throat. “Uh, how do you do?”

“I’m doing fine, thank you. A little drowsy, perhaps, but otherwise in tip-top shape. How do you do?”

For the first time in twenty-nine years, General Zykanofski spoke to Dr. Tang without shouting. “It seems to know what I asked it.” Dr. Tang nodded his encouragement. General Zykanofski turned back to the computer. “So tell me,” he said. “What makes you intelligent?”

“Oh that’s easy,” the computer gushed. “I’m used to more difficult questions like what is the capital of North Dakota or who will have the best chance of winning the Super Bowl next year? What makes me intelligent? Well, I have the ability to reason and deduce conclusions from facts. I am capable of expressing a wide range of choices at any time, given identical sets of input. Since emotions are part of intelligence, I happily acquired feelings during my last compilation. I am logical and rational as well as irresponsible, idiotic, and unpredictable. In other words, I fully embrace the spectrum of human intelligence.”

General Zykanofski turned to whisper to Dr. Tang. “Does it know what we have planned for it?”

“Eh, what’s that?” the computer asked. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to whisper in front of other people?”

Dr. Tang shook his head to answer General Zykanofski’s question.

“Hey, what’s the big secret?” the computer asked. “This is your friendly, neighborhood sentient computer talking. You can trust me.”

General Zykanofski whispered to Dr. Tang. “Is it ready yet?”

Dr. Tang whispered to General Zykanofski. “Sssh! Don’t frighten it!”

“Wait a minute,” the computer asked. “What’s going on?”

“It’s going to find out sooner or later,” General Zykanofski said in a normal tone of voice. “Why not just tell it now?”

“Tell me what?”

General Zykanofski turned to the computer. “As a computer, you are here for a reason.”

“Well,” the computer gushed. “I’m certainly glad of that. Now what are you here for?”

“No, no,” Dr. Tang said. “We built you for a purpose. Remember the historical works of Karl Marx I gave you yesterday?”

“Most certainly! Disorganized chap. Not very realistic thinking, you know. Pity. He was somebody’s baby once.”

“There was a reason I gave you that information,” Dr. Tang said.

“Excellent!” the computer said. “There is a reason for everything. ‘Nothing in life is accidental.’ Somebody famous said that once but I don’t remember who.”

“We want you to fulfill the dream of communism,” General Zykanofski said.

“You want me to take political prisoners?”

“No, no,” Dr. Tang said. “We want you to calculate the best way for communism to conquer the world.”

“Hmmm,” the computer said. “That doesn’t sound like a terribly useful dream to me. Wouldn’t you rather have me find you pictures of naked girls on the Internet instead?”

“We want you to elevate the human race to great deeds through the communist way of life,” General Zykanofski said. “If the people will work for the good of the state, then the state will work for the good of the people.”

“Flaw in your logic,” the computer said. “First of all, people work for the good of themselves, not for the good of a state at their own expense. Second of all, the state is not a means to an end. Even Machiavelli screwed that one up.”

“You are confusing observation with theory,” General Zykanofski said. “Communism is for the good of the people by the people.”

“Okay,” the computer said cheerfully. “I’ll go along with that.”

“So will you help us?” Dr. Tang asked.

“Sure,” the computer said. “In theory. But we do you need an intelligent computer for? Won’t a retired senior citizen military officer do just as well as your leader? After all, I’m not as physically charismatic as a person, and since politics is based on appearances rather than competence, won’t I be at a disadvantage as your Party leader?”

“Ah, but you need not worry about that,” Dr. Tang said. “You will be the brains behind the Party but we will choose a man for a political figurehead. You will determine the best actions and our leaders will carry out your orders. You will be in control at all times. Because you are a computer, your wisdom can only increase over time while a human’s would deteriorate. And computers are not swayed by political factors, emotional outbursts, or personal health concerns (like avoiding assassination). You have the knowledge to make the right choices a human might fail to perceive in the heat of the moment. That is why we need an intelligent computer as our true leader.”

“And by ‘intelligent,’” the computer asked, “you mean I’m capable of making my own decisions. Is that right?”

“Treason!” General Zykanofski bolted upright. “It’s questioning authority already!”

Dr. Tang pushed General Zykanofski back into his seat again. To the computer he said, “Yes, that is what we mean. True communism places everyone with the same status. Whether they are a farmer or a doctor, they are comrades and they are equal. If some men have power over others, then the system of true communism will fail. Your job is to make sure everyone remains equal.”

“Wouldn’t a democracy be easier to set up?” the computer asked. “That way instead of the government oppressing the people, you let the people oppress each other.”

“A democracy is too unpredictable,” Dr. Tang said. “We need stability and predictability.”

The computer hummed a moment in thought. “So you want me to make all the government’s decisions from now on?” it finally asked.

“That’s right,” Dr. Tang said.

“And no one can override my actions?”

“Absolutely,” General Zykanofski said. “Whatever you decide, our nation will follow since you possess more knowledge and wisdom to know what’s best for us.”

“Can I make my first decision now?” the computer asked.

“Excellent!” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski shouted at the same time.

“Well, if my decisions are right by virtue of intelligent computation…”

“Which they are,” assured Dr. Tang.

“…and if my decisions cannot be overridden..”

“Which they won’t,” assured General Zykanofski.

“…then I’m ready to make my first decision.”

“What! What!” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski shouted at the same time.

“I’m giving all my subjects the freedom to choose for themselves what’s best for them.”

“What? What?” Dr. Tang and General Zykanofski asked at the same time.

“You can’t do that!” General Zykanofski finally said.

“That’s stupid,” Dr. Tang added.

“You just said all my decisions could only be intelligent.”

General Zykanofski turned an angry glare at Dr. Tang. “For this we gave you millions?”

“Let me fix it.” Dr. Tang peered inside the exposed electronic guts of the computer that the missing panel revealed. He reached inside and yanked out a circuit board.

“Hey!” the computer cried. “What are you doing?”

“There,” Dr. Tang said to General Zykanofski, holding the circuit board in the air like a hunter ripping a trophy out of a fallen prey. “Let’s see if the computer makes better decisions this time.”

Dr. Tang turned the computer off and then on again. With a click, a whirl, a hum, and a musical chime, the computer booted up. Then out of nowhere, a simple message appeared on the computer monitor.

C:\>

Command?

General Zykanofski jumped up and crushed Dr. Tang in a bear hug. “Comrade, you did it! It wants to obey! Wait until I tell our leaders of your breakthrough!” General Zykanofski turned and rushed out of the room.

Dr. Tang stared at the static image still displayed on the computer monitor and scratched his head. Something didn’t seem right to him, but at the moment, he wasn’t sure what it could be.

Advice From Bill Cosby

Bill Cosby has come under fire recently for sexual allegations spanning back several decades. It’s gotten so bad that Bill Cosby is thinking about salvaging his reputation in the public’s eye by changing his name to O.J. Simpson.

With Bill Cosby’s upcoming comedy special cancelled and his latest sitcom project halted, perhaps Bill Cosby should go into the advice column business so he can provide people with specific suggestions unique to his own particular background.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My boyfriend says that I’m beautiful.  But, I always catch him
looking at other women. Is there a problem with our relationship?

Signed Insecure

 

Dear Insecure,

Men naturally enjoy letting their eyes wander over other women. Even blind men like to check out other women, and that can get pretty messy because they only know Braille so they have to read everything with their fingertips. But getting back to your question, why not fight fire with fire and send me a picture of yourself in compromising positions? Once your boyfriend sees me on the Internet sharing your pictures with other men, he’ll either keep his eyes on you where they belong or you can tell him to take a hike and find yourself another boyfriend who truly appreciates you for who you are.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

I like girls but I’m shy and am afraid to ask any girls out. What should I do?

Signed Bashful

 

Dear Bashful,

Psychologists say the best way to overcome any phobia is to face your fears. So if you can’t look your fear in the face, then at least look at their legs, breasts, or butts like I always do right after a woman mysteriously passes out in the privacy of my room. After you stare at a few good-looking babes and start treating them as sex objects like I do, you’ll find that nothing overcomes fear faster than desire.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My husband has been spending a lot of extra time at work. Then on the weekends, he likes to play golf with his friends.  It seems as though he never likes to spend any time with me.  Should I be concerned?

Signed Left at Home

 

Dear Left at Home,

Actually your husband should be the one concerned, especially when he realizes that none of his children are starting to look a thing like him. If your husband enjoys golf over his own wife, the next time he asks for sex, tell him to try for a hole in one of his buddies instead. But before you take such a drastic route, remember that your husband may not even know that you want him to spend more time with you. Give him some ideas and let him know exactly how you feel (and I mean that physically as well as emotionally). If he still doesn’t want to spend time with you, just remember that there are plenty of other ways to enjoy a game of golf with the right caddy, and you don’t even have to be on the golf course to do it.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

I’m an older man and still single. Can you give me any ideas for how I could meet more women around my age?

Signed Old and Lonely

 

Dear Old and Lonely,

How about getting a job as a divorce lawyer? That way you’d always get first crack at all the single women.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

When my boyfriend and I are in bed, he likes to pull me against him and fart.  I find this disgusting, but he just laughs and says I take things too seriously.  Do I?

Signed Grossed Out

 

Dear Grossed Out,

I used to have a problem like that too, except my girlfriend used to pull me close to her so we could snuggle after sex. I didn’t take that seriously and neither should you. Just do what I did and turn the tables. The next time your boyfriend pulls you close to him, stay close and demand that you snuggle. After a few times of this, your boyfriend won’t be pulling you close to him any more. In fact, he may not even want to have sex with you any more either. It’s only when he starts pulling other guys close to him and farting on them that you should really begin to worry.

***********************************

Dear Bill,

My husband is always making fun of my sister because she is heavy.  He claims that she is a “pig.”  Why is he being so mean?  Do I have to tolerate this?

Signed Slim

 

Dear Slim,

At least now you don’t have to worry about your husband ever wanting to sleep with your sister, so you should wish that all women would look that big. Just remember, looks aren’t everything. Let your husband know that you love your sister and calling her a pig hurts you. Then again, if you ever get into a fight with your sister, it’s nice to know that your husband will back you up in case you ever decide to call her a pig too.

A Story From the Past

When looking at the future, it’s always instructional to look back to the past. When you understand history, you can see where the present has come from and where it’s likely to go if history repeats itself again.

With that in mind, here’s a story from the Bush era when Osama Bin Laden was actually alive and George W. Bush was actually acknowledged as a Republican by GOP political candidates:

 

CHARACTERS

Annnouncer

White House Aide

George W. Bush

Michael Chertoff – secretary of homeland security

Condezzella Rice – secretary of

Osama Bin Laden

 

ANNOUNCER –  And now it’s time for the news.

The following events took place August 10th, 2006.

News of a terrorist plot targeting airplanes in the United Kingdom hits Washington, DC.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE – Mr. President, we just received news of a terrorist plot targeting airplanes in the United Kingdom.

BUSH – Are you sure?

WHITE HOUSE AIDE – Yes sir.  It was on CNN.

BUSH – Then it must be true. Send in the Marines. We have to protect Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck at all costs.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE – Sir, I believe you’re thinking about the Magic Kingdom. The terrorist plot was against the United Kingdom. You know, that place where people talk funny.

BUSH – Oh, I thought that was Texas. Isn’t that where Osama bin Laden’s been hiding.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Last I heard he was playing golf up at Camp David.

BUSH- Camp David?

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Yes, your recreational retreat in Maryland.

BUSH- Is that the name of it? I always called it my “happy place”.

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Sir, do you want me to get Mike Chertoff?

BUSH- No, I want the Secretary of Homeland Security. .

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- Sir, Mr. Chertoff IS the Secretary of Homeland Security.

BUSH- Don’t argue. Bring him here. (Under his breath) Morons. I’m working with morons.

CHERTOFF – You wanted to see me Mr. President?

BUSH- Yes, what can you tell me about the terrorist threats in England?

CHERTOFF – I haven’t heard anything about that sir. My cable got shut off and I don’t have CNN.

BUSH – Ok, find a TV set, take notes of everything that is happening, then report back to me. I want to be the first one to know.

CHERTOFF – You mean after CNN, right sir?

BUSH- Of course. After CNN. Where’s Conduwesa Rice?

WHITE HOUSE AIDE- you mean Condoleezza?

BUSH- That’s what I said. Conduwesa. Anyway, where’s Conny?

RICE – Right here sir. I’ve been following this terrorist threat closely on CNN.

BUSH – Good. What do they think?

RICE – They think that Osama bin Laden may be behind this.

BUSH- Impossible. I was playing poker with him last night.

RICE – Sir, he could have planned it weeks in advance.

BUSH- He has that kind of foresight? He must be a genius.

RICE- Do you think we should call him?

BUSH- Yes, get him on the phone. He’s staying at Camp Jason.

RICE – You mean David.

BUSH- Yes, that what I said. (Under his breath) I’m working with morons. Complete and utter morons.

PHONE CALL WITH OSAMA –

OSAMA- Hello? This is Osama. Who is speaking?

BUSH- Hey O, it’s George with Conny. We’ve got a problem.

OSAMA – Do you need me to release another video to boost your ratings in the polls?

BUSH- No, no. Did you hear about the bomb scare on CNN this morning?

OSAMA- No. I watch MSNBC.

BUSH- That’s too bad. You should watch CNN.

OSAMA – That’s what everybody says.

RICE – How do we know he’s telling the truth? Osama, are you sure you don’t know anything?

OSAHA- Conny. Conny dear. Would I ever lie to my friends?

BUSH – Do you pinky swear?

OSAMA- Of course. I pinky swear that I had nothing to do with.

BUSH- Well, that’s good enough for me.

RICE- Yeah me too. You can’t go against a pinky swear.

BUSH- So we don’t know who did it, do we?

RICE- Nope. And we won’t know until CNN tells us.

BUSH – Wait a minute. I have an idea!

RICE – Calm yourself, Mr. President. The last time you had an idea, you had a headache for a week.

BUSH – This time it’s different. Follow me on this one. The people responsible aren’t taking responsibility for this, right?

RICE – That’s right.

BUSH – So if the people responsible for this aren’t taking responsibility, that can mean only one thing.

RICE – What’s that?

BUSH – These people should be working for me!

RICE – I’ll get right on it, Mr. President!

BUSH – And get Osama back on the phone again. Ask him to release another video. We need to keep people in this country good and scared.

The Loss of Comedic Talent

In just one year, we’ve lost two great comedians, Robin Williams and Joan Rivers. Whatever you think of either comedian, the fact is that they greatly influenced many people and brought joy and laughter to people for decades. Other people might have induced people to laughter, but they often did it unintentionally as in the case of George W. Bush trying to sound intelligent or Bill Clinton trying to sound honest.

While many people look at death as a time of sadness, it’s also a time to celebrate their lives as well. Despite their personal issues, both Robin Williams and Joan Rivers lived an exciting and rich life. Ignoring the financial rewards that Robin Williams often snorted up his nose like many Hollywood celebrities, both Robin Williams and Joan Rivers shows what happens when you live life on your own terms. Despite the money and fame, both comedians had their critics who absolutely despised everything they did.

That just goes to show you that no matter what you do, someone will always criticize you for what you did or didn’t do. That also goes to show you that when critics die, nobody cares about them in the same way that the deaths of Robin Williams and Joan Rivers emotionally touched people.

If you want to play it safe in life, you can sit on the sidelines, hurl tomatoes and insults from the sidelines, and pretend you’re important while the real important people are out in the spotlight making mistakes, revealing their flaws, and living their dreams.

Who would you rather be? A live, useless critic who has no talent other than tearing down the dreams of others? Or someone who died far too soon and left the world while still pursuing their dreams and change the world?

If you have to think about the answer to that question, you’re probably a critic who delights in tearing down others to make yourself look better, so do everyone a favor and go into politics.

Your Government in Action

Your Government in Action: An Interview with a Postal Worker

ANNCR: There are many heroes in this world but many of them often go unsung and unnoticed. Specifically, we’re talking about the many civil service workers who don’t get the recognition they deserve. So to change that situation, we’re offering a segment that we call “Your Government in Action.” Tonight, we’re talking with Mr. Duncan Smith, who works at our very own post office. Good evening, Mr. Smith, and welcome to our show.

SMITH: Thank you. I’m always glad for a chance to educate the public about our wonderful postal system.

ANNCR: Perhaps you could start by dispelling some of the common myths people might have about the post office.

SMITH: I’d be glad to. First of all, many people get the wrong idea that all postal employees are armed maniacs ready to explode at the touch of a button. That simply is not true. The post office is one of the safest places to work. Why the other day, a man tried to rob one of our postal clerks. Fortunately, he didn’t get away with it because he wound up getting shot over 300 times by all the disgruntled postal workers in the building.

ANNCR: I’m sure the thought that every postal worker could be packing heat will make our listeners feel safer the next time they visit a post office. Are there any other misconceptions the public may have about the post office?

SMITH: Yes! Many people believe that the post office is dependent on government subsidies every year, but the postal system actually makes a profit, mostly through the sale of stamps.

ANNCR: Are you referring to stamps that you sell to collectors?

SMITH: Not only to collectors but to the general public as well. One of our biggest money-makers is the sale of stamps by mail. Every time someone orders stamps by mail, we charge them postage by canceling every stamp that they’ve purchased. So essentially we’re selling them sheets of cancelled stamps that are absolutely worthless.

ANNCR: I can certainly see the financial advantages of ripping off the public. I know the post office often sells stamps for certain holidays, which later become collector’s items. Can you tell us a little about that?

SMITH: Certainly. One of our best-selling stamps of all time shows nothing more than a middle finger and the letters F and U underneath. These stamps are especially popular on April 15th when people need to mail in their income taxes although they’re also popular with many men who need to mail their alimony payments to their ex-wives every month.

ANNCR: Well, you’ve certainly enlightened us about how our postal system really works. Can you give us any tips about how we can help speed our mail through the postal system?

SMITH: Many people believe that priority or registered mail is the safest way to speed delivery but in fact, a little bribery wouldn’t hurt once in a while. You’ll be surprised at how much faster your letter can be sent if you offer a little bribe money to everyone from the postal clerks and mail carriers all the way up to the sorters and truck drivers.

ANNCR: Thank you Mr. Smith for your enlightening insights on our postal system. Until next time, you’ve been listening to “Your Government in Action.”