An Interview with the Heaven’s Gate Cult Leader

It always amazes me how people can twist their thinking into finding a way to justify almost anything, even mass murder suicide, using religious beliefs as their justification. Religion has inspired millions but also created a horde full of lunatics so it’s hard to say whether religion has helped society in the long run or hurt it.

Whatever the case, one of the strangest events involving religious beliefs occurred with the Heaven’s Gate cult that committed suicide so they could catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet. What’s even weirder is that this cult bought a telescope and returned it later because they claimed the telescope wasn’t powerful enough for them to see the UFO behind the comet.

Of course, logic says that they didn’t see the UFO behind the comet because there wasn’t a UFO behind the comet, but logic and religious beliefs usually don’t mix very well, so the result is a satirical interview with the founder of Heaven’s Gate.

ANNCR: On March 26, 1997, 39 people in Rancho Santa Fe swallowed a combination of vodka, applesauce, and barbiturates and then tied plastic bags over their heads to commit suicide in a cult known as Heaven’s Gate. Years later, we’re happy to report that Marshall Applewhite and his entire group of 39 members didn’t actually die as was first believed, but have been living in the fourth dimension and have agreed to contact us through the miracle of intergalactic physics and the invention of the cell phone. Can you hear me now, Marshall Applewhite?

MARSHALL: (Voice coming through a phone) Yes, yes. I can hear you very well. If I had known how clear cell phones would get in the 21st century, I might have waited a few more years before castrating myself to catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet.

ANNCR: Perhaps you could tell us why you ordered everyone in your group to commit suicide back in 1997.

MARSHALL: It’s very simple. Back in 1997, we spotted a UFO flying behind a comet. At the time, the UFO sent me signals letting us know that they were coming to pick us up and take us to another dimension. So we had to kill our bodies so we could transfer our souls into the UFO because they had two-carry on luggage limit and our bodies counted as three items.

ANNCR: After you left your bodies behind, what happened next?

MARSHALL: First, we had to go through a security checkpoint and show a picture ID before walking through a metal detector. Then the space aliens frisked us to make sure we weren’t carrying anything hazardous such as nail clippers or tweezers.

ANNCR: After passing through the security checkpoint, then were you allowed to board the UFO?

MARSHALL: Not exactly. We had to wait while another cult that had killed themselves three months earlier got to board the UFO first. Then it was our turn so we climbed aboard and had to take any open seat that was left.

ANNCR: Where did the UFO take you and your cult?

MARSHALL: First they took us to Phoenix where we caught a connecting flight to St. Louis. From there, we caught the UFO that finally took us to the fourth dimension where I’m calling you now.

ANNCR: Can you tell us what the people in these UFOs look like?

MARSHALL: Certainly! One of them looks like Darth Vader. Another one looks like Captain Kirk. The last one I saw looked a lot like Mark Hamill, but with a longer career in show business.

ANNCR: Was it difficult adjusting to life in the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: Other than being in a different time zone, not really. About the only problem is that the fourth dimension lets you see the past, the present, and the future all at the same time. So you can imagine how confusing that can be when you just want to take a leak in the toilet.

ANNCR: Do you have plans to return to Earth now that you’ve experienced the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: Why, yes! I’d like to come back to Earth and pick up an iPod. There isn’t any music in the fourth dimensions except for a bunch of angels singing all the time, and after nine years of living here, I’m getting sick of hearing harp music all the time.

ANNCR: Can you tell us what surprised you the most when you arrived in the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: I think what surprised me the most was that we weren’t the first humans to reach the fourth dimension.

ANNCR: How did you learn that other humans had beaten you to the fourth dimension?

MARSHALL: I think it was when I first stepped off the UFO and saw all the Starbucks stores that had already been built there. They also have a few Wal-Mart stores and a couple of Home Depots too.

ANNCR: Our time is running out, so I’d like to ask you a few remaining questions. There were reports that all the male members of your cult had to get castrated. Could you tell us the purpose for that?

MARSHALL: It was actually part of the restrictions on our UFO ticket that we bought through Priceline.com. As I said earlier, the UFO had a two carry-on limit and unfortunately, they counted our testicles as four carry-on pieces, so we had to castrate all our members to make sure we could get a seat on the UFO.

ANNCR: Now that you’ve reached the fourth dimension, do you have any uplifting, inspirational message you’d like to tell people back on Earth?

MARSHALL: I guess the main thing I’d like to say to everyone is that I was right and all of you were wrong.

ANNCR: Thank you. We’ve been talking to Marshall Applewhite, the former leader of the cult Heaven’s Gate, which committed suicide in 1997 to catch a ride on a UFO behind a comet.

A Visit to a Creationism Museum

Back in 2007, I was part of a radio show called “Keeping It Weird,” which gave us an excuse to visit different parts of San Diego and talk to people. One place that refused to talk to us was the Creationism Museum in beautiful Santee, California. In lieu of an actual interview, I just made one up to highlight their nonsensical logic that contradicts itself numerous times.

US: We’re here at the Institute of Creation Research located in beautiful Santee, California. Nobody at the Institute was willing to talk to us so we’ve asked that a creation scientist from a nearby church guide us through the museum and answer some of our questions. This is Dean Archer, our museum guide.

DEAN: I’m always happy to show people the good works of Our Lord and His creation.

US: Before we go in, can you tell us a little about yourself?

DEAN: Why yes! I graduated from the Institute of Creation Research’s master’s degree program in creationism biology and geology science.

US: What kind of a job can you get with a biology or geology degree in creationism?

DEAN: Not much of anything, I’m afraid. I guess that’s why you’re paying me $5 bucks to show you around.

US: How many people visit the museum a year?

DEAN: I believe the museum has close to 10,000 visitors a year, although we count pregnant women and Guardian Angels as two or three people, so that number may be inflated a bit. So the actual number of visitors who visit the museum probably boils down to five or ten people a year, and that includes the mailman, the fire marshal, and the UPS deliveryman as well.

US: As we go through the front door, what can you tell us what we’re about to see?

DEAN: When you first enter the museum, you’ll find yourself inside the gift shop. We have coloring books for children that teaches them how to avoid using logic. Then we have audiotape programs and books for the grown-ups that help people learn to become more intolerant of anyone who doesn’t look like them. All proceeds from the museum go towards supporting our churches, which usually means providing bail bond money to priests and ministers accused of molesting children.

Noah

US: I notice the first exhibit is called Day 1 and shows pictures of stars and planets. What can you tell us about that?

DEAN: As you know, the Bible says that God created the universe on the first day, so this part of the exhibit shows how he created the solar system.

US: Does the Bible say anything about God creating other forms of life in the universe?

DEAN: No, the Bible doesn’t specifically mention extraterrestrial life, but if life does exist on other planets, then it’s only logical to assume that God created them all at the same time.

US: So if we could go back in time, we might see Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden along with E.T., Darth Vader, and My Favorite Martian?

DEAN: Yes, that is correct. If God created everything, then it’s only logical to assume that they all appeared in the Garden of Eden here on Earth.

US: Why do you have a bunch of animals in this exhibit?

DEAN: This shows the different types of animals God created. As you can see, God created the beaver and gave him transparent eyelids so he could see underwater, and flaps to cover his ears and nose when it’s underwater. That clearly shows that evolution is impossible.

US: Just because a beaver has transparent eyelids, that means evolution is impossible? Then where did evolutionists like Charles Darwin come from?

DEAN: God can create anything. That’s why we have war, suffering, poverty, torture, and mass starvation because God wants us to know that He’s loving, compassionate, and caring except for those times when He’s killing us, such as during the Flood. That’s what this next exhibit shows us, how Noah built the ark.

US: Do you really believe it’s possible for someone to load every animal in the world on a single boat?

DEAN: Of course. In fact, if God created every living creature on the same day, that means human beings and dinosaurs must have lived together at one time. So it’s only logical to assume that Noah not only saved the giraffes and elephants, but he also saved the brontosauruses, stegosauruses, and tyrannosaurus rexes on his ark too.

US: How can you fit two tyrannosaurus rexes on an ark?

DEAN: We believe that all the animals on the ark may have gone into a state of suspended animation during the entire time, which would avoid feeding and cleaning of so many animals on a boat.

US: So in other words, you believe God deliberately suspended the known laws of the universe just for the miracle of the ark to occur?

DEAN: Exactly! Are you sure you’re not already a believer?

US: If the world was completely flooded, where did all the water go when the floodwaters receded?

DEAN: All the water went back into the oceans, naturally! That’s why the oceans are so big. Of course, some of that water wound up creating the Ice Age, and that’s our next exhibit right here. You see as creationists, we believe that all animals were created perfectly the way they are and that they never needed evolution to change or adapt to their environment in any way.

US: So what does the Ice Age tell us about the history of life?

DEAN: Since the Ice Age was obviously very cold, it’s only logical that animals would have to adapt by developing heavier coats of hair and fur and even grow bigger tusks and teeth like those found in a saber tooth tiger or a wooly mammoth. If animals didn’t adapt to the cold, they obviously didn’t survive. We believe that’s when all the unicorns died off along with the dinosaurs, mermaids, and the Easter bunny, during the Ice Age.

US: This next exhibit talks about the Grand Canyon and Mount St. Helens. What’s the connection between these two events?

DEAN: What we’ve observed at Mount St. Helens is that the land surrounding the eruption created canyons that look exactly like those found in the Grand Canyon. That proves that the Grand Canyon could have been created by a volcanic eruption in less than a day. So if the Grand Canyon couldn’t possibly have formed millions of years ago, that supports our belief that nothing on the planet is older than 6,000 years old.

US: Is there any evidence of volcanic eruptions near the Grand Canyon?

DEAN: Not yet, but when we do find some, we believe the scientific evidence will point to a volcanic eruption that occurred millions of years ago, if not billions of years ago.

US: This next exhibit talks about the different religions found all over the world. What does creationism tell us about other religions?

DEAN: It tells us that we’re right and they’re wrong. I’d hate to be a Muslim or a Buddhist the day Jesus comes back and takes us all to heaven. Wouldn’t you feel stupid being left behind by Jesus just because you backed the wrong messiah?

US: Perhaps you could tell us about this next exhibit we’re looking at?

DEAN: We’re looking at the pictures of evolutionists throughout history. There’s Charles Darwin and Andrew Carnegie. All of these men are currently burning in hell for eternity for questioning the infinite love of God.

US: Do you think heaven is segregated or if I die, would I have to spend the rest of eternity sharing a room with a foreigner who smells funny?

DEAN: Heaven is perfect in all ways, so everyone is always happy there. That’s why the Bible specifically forbids killing others or taking your own life because we don’t want people to get into heaven any sooner than they have to. That’s kind of like cutting ahead of the line.

US: So when the Bible talks about God killing so many people, that’s not violating His own commandment “Thou shalt not kill?”

DEAN: When the Bible says “Thou shalt not kill”, what that really means is that you shouldn’t kill anyone who belongs to the same church. Everyone else is fair game.

US: I see clocks and pictures of molecules everywhere. What does this next exhibit talk about?

DEAN: One of the flaws of evolution is that they always rely on carbon dating to determine the age of fossils, which they claim can be millions of years old. But carbon dating is a flawed science that’s completely unreliable. That’s why we believe fossils are really only a few thousand years old.

US: And how did you determine that fossils are only a few thousand years old?

DEAN: Oh, we used carbon dating. That’s because carbon dating is the most reliable, time-tested, scientific method to accurately measure the age of any object.

US: What’s the purpose of putting pictures of Karl Marx and Adolf Hitler on the walls?

DEAN: That’s to show the consequences of evolution. You see, both communists and Nazis believe in evolution’s survival of the fittest, where the strong are allowed to kill and rule over others. If you believe in evolution, you’re indirectly supporting communists and Nazis.

US: So if you believe in creationism, does that imply support for freedom and democracy?

DEAN: Exactly! If this country would only let creationists run the government, we could invade other countries, kill all their leaders, and convert everyone to Christianity under the threat of torture and outright executions. We have to show that creationism is the stronger belief around, even if it means killing off all the weaker races and religions to prove it.

US: It looks like we’ve reached the end of the creationism museum. Thank you for the tour.

DEAN: It’s been my pleasure. I hope after seeing all of our exhibits showing the flaws of evolution, you’ve come away with a stronger sense that creationism is the only answer to how the world came about.

US: Actually after seeing people who believe in creationism, it’s hard to believe that anyone involved with this museum could possibly evolve mentally, physically, or intellectually in any way, shape, or form.

DEAN: We like to think that way too!

US: Thanks Dean. If people want to visit the Institute of Creation Research, can you tell us when they can come visit?

DEAN: The creationism museum is located at 10946 Woodside Avenue in Santee, California. They’re open six days a week, Monday through Friday from 9 am to 4 pm.

US: If there’s one thing you want people to know when they leave the creationism museum, what would that be?

DEAN: I think it would be this, “Nyah, nyah, nyah. You’re all going to burn in hell for eternity and we’re going to go straight to heaven. Ha, ha!”

An Interview with Doctor Dyslexic

If you listen to the radio, you can hear all sorts of advice shows, but you have to wonder if the people dispensing this advice on the air regularly are fully qualified to do so. Maybe these self-proclaimed advice givers should learn to follow their own advice because they could be crazier than people might realize. With that in mind, I wrote the following skit to demonstrate that not all radio advisers should be treated with respect.

HOST: Good morning. You’re listening to “The Mental Health Morning Show,” where we help you get the help you need before you have to plead temporary insanity. Our guest for today is Dr. Dyslexic, the Reverse Psychology Psychiatrist. Good morning, doctor.

DOCTOR: What do you mean by that?

HOST: Nothing at all. It’s just the standard way I greet all my guests to my show.

DOCTOR: You call all your guests Dr. Dyslexic, the Reverse Psychology Psychiatrist?

HOST: Uh, no. I meant that I always greet all my guests by saying good morning.

DOCTOR: Well next time you should choose your words more carefully. Perhaps your fear of clarity in your communication stems from a latent Oedipus complex. Did you ever find your mother attractive?

HOST: No, but I believe that my father did at one time. As many of you may know, Dr. Dyslexic is the founder and world-renown expert of reverse psychology. Doctor, for the benefit of our listeners, could you briefly explain the principles behind reverse psychology?

DOCTOR: No.

HOST: You don’t want to tell us about reverse psychology?

DOCTOR: Well, now that you put it that way, sure. Reverse psychology is the well-founded psychiatric technique where you can motivate someone towards a goal by imploring them to choose the complete opposite.

HOST: So how would you apply reverse psychology to treat a common psychosis?

DOCTOR: That’s easy. Why the other day I treated a patient who was afraid of heights. Now the standard psychiatric treatment would be to delve into that person’s past and look for the childhood incident that triggered the patient’s initial fear of heights; perhaps a painful fall occurred at an early age or the patient made a subconscious emotional connection with a traumatic incident that involved an item of extreme height, such as a ladder or a flight of stairs. But reverse psychology works much differently. To treat that person’s fear of heights, I simply dragged him to the roof of a nearby skyscraper, told him to jump, and walked away.

HOST: And that cured him of his fear of heights?

DOCTOR: I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since. After a week, I just marked him off in my appointment book as cured and sent him a bill for all the follow-up appointments he’s already missed.

HOST: I see. Reverse psychology certainly seems to be a powerful psychiatry tool in the hands of a specialist such as yourself. Now have patients ever resisted a reverse psychology treatment?

DOCTOR: That’s the beauty of reverse psychology. Unlike ordinary psychology where the patient’s fears may be repressed and buried within the subconscious for years involving subsequent probing and exploration, reverse psychology forces the patient to confront his fears right from the start.

HOST: So you’re saying that patients rarely resist a reverse psychology treatment?

DOCTOR: That’s right. In the case of my patient’s fear of heights, after I left him on the skyscraper roof, I told him that if he jumped, he’d fall thirty-six stories to his imminent death, but whether he lived or died didn’t matter to me. By the way, did I also tell you that he was suicidal?

HOST: No, you didn’t, but I’m sure that reverse psychology managed to treat both his fear of heights and suicidal tendencies at the same time. In your experience, has a reverse psychology treatment ever backfired? For example, with the man on the skyscraper, were you ever concerned that if you told him to jump that he might actually do so?

DOCTOR: Now that would be stupid. If he jumped, he would have killed himself and that would have defeated the whole psychiatric treatment now, wouldn’t it? Certainly I have to give my patients more common sense than that.

HOST: Well, you’re the doctor so you obviously know what’s best. Perhaps you could lend your expertise and suggest ways our listeners could apply reverse psychology in their own lives.

DOCTOR: Certainly. Let’s say you have a boss that you absolutely can’t stand. Ordinary psychiatry might look for an unconscious attachment you may have placed on your boss as a potential father figure. But with reverse psychology, I’d just advise the patient to go right up to their boss and punch him in the mouth.

HOST: Now wouldn’t that cause a person to risk losing his job?

DOCTOR: As a doctor, I’m interested in purely mental health issues. I can’t be expected to consider the financial or legal ramifications of someone’s actions at the same time.

HOST: Of course. Now I know that many people are unhappy in their marriage.

DOCTOR: You mean my wife?

HOST: No, no. I mean with two out of three marriages ending in divorce, is there are way that married couples might be able to apply reverse psychology to help save their marriage?

DOCTOR: Why, yes! In fact, the first thing a married couple should do is set aside some time to be alone with their spouse and list all the different aspects of their spouse’s personality that they truly enjoy.

HOST: That’s certainly sound advice that everyone can apply right away. I take it that after telling the other person what you like about them, you help both sides understand the reasons why they enjoy marriage with that particular person all these years?

DOCTOR: Oh no. That would be normal psychology but we’re talking reverse psychology here. By giving compliments to your husband or wife, you’re really letting off steam and telling that person how much you can’t stand being around them. It’s a well known fact that expressing your feelings, no matter how frightening they might appear on the surface, is an excellent way to reduce stress in your life. And may I add that reduced stress can lead to lower blood pressure, which has been scientifically proven to decrease the risk of heart attacks, strokes, and other stress-induced illnesses.

HOST: I’m sure our listeners will be anxious to put your advice into practice as soon as possible. Our time is nearly up, but before you go, could you share how reverse psychology has helped you in your own life?

DOCTOR: Certainly. Why just the other day I used reverse psychology to save time.

HOST: Oh, and how did you manage to do that?

DOCTOR: Last week a former patient sued me in court for malpractice. When the judge asked me if the charges of fraud, deception, and incompetence were true, I could have denied the charges and dragged the trial out for several months. But instead, I admitted all those charges and even volunteered a few more that my former patient had forgotten about. The judge was so impressed by my reverse psychology defense that he shaved nearly six months off my trial, which allowed the jury to reach what the judge stated was the fastest judicial decision he’s ever seen in his life. Incidentally, saving that much time from my life has allowed me to appear on your radio show today.

HOST: So would it be safe to say that reverse psychology helped bring the lawsuit against you to a swift and inevitable conclusion?

DOCTOR: Yes, indeed. By avoiding a lengthy trial, the judge could give me the five to ten years in the slammer that he said I deserved while also ordering me to pay a million dollars to each of my former patients. I would be in prison right now if I hadn’t used reverse psychology to appeal my case, but that just goes to show how you can use the power of reverse psychology in all aspects of your life.

HOST: It certainly does, and I’m sure you’ll find many ways to apply reverse psychology with the many interesting, new people you’re sure to meet in prison. You’ve been listening to Dr. Dyslexic, the Reverse Psychology Psychiatrist on “The Mental Health Morning Show,” where we believe everyone is innocent by reason of insanity until a court of law decides otherwise. Until next time, so long.

Ask a Serial Killer

For decades, people turned to Dear Abby and and Ann Landers for advice. What people don’t realize is that both columns were written by twin sisters who despised each other and refused to talk or meet for years. Taking advice from Dear Abby or Ann Landers seems questionable when those twin sisters couldn’t even repair their own fractured relationship.

If people can accept relationship advice from two sisters who hate each other, it only seems logical to take advice from other highly unqualified people so maybe it’s time to start a new syndicated column called Ask a Serial Killer.

Dear Dr. Death, I’m a withered old man with barely enough blood to pump through my desiccated veins, but I have enough money to buy any woman I want. Recently I bought a gold digging whore and attempted to placate her with four cars, a quarter of a million dollars, and her own million dollar condo, and the bitch still turned on me. What should I do?

— Donald Sterling

Dear Donald Sterling, I’d kill the bitch. Obviously money can’t buy her loyalty and you’ve already expended enough cash on her to pay off the national debt of Venezuela so there’s no point in throwing good money after bad.

What I’d do is entice her to your place under the promise of another wad of cash you want to drop in her sweaty palms. Then when she arrives, lock her inside a sound-proof roof and beat her senseless with a baseball bat. Make sure you don’t knock her out with the first blow because you want the bitch to suffer immensely.

Of course, make a plan to dispose of the body. Just don’t make killing indiscriminate and random. It’s always best to target people you have a personal beef against although that also greatly increases your risk of getting caught. However, that makes killing so much more enjoyable when you can wipe out someone you personally know.

Hope you and your gold digging whore can settle things to your satisfaction and not hers because it seems obvious that she’s been given enough and still won’t be satisfied so there’s no point in trying any more.

 

Dear Dr. Death, For the past few years, I’ve had to exhibit extreme willpower to avoid gagging every time my “boyfriend” calls and wants to go out with me again. I use the term “boyfriend” in quotation marks because although he’s technically my boyfriend, I have no feelings of love for him whatsoever since he’s easily several decades older than me so having sex with him is like having sex with my grandmother’s mothballs in my closet when I was growing up.

Despite him buying me four cars and handing me enough cash to pay off the national debt of Venezuela, it’s all I can do to paste a phony smile on my face every time I have to get near his desiccated body that looks like the remains after Satan has sucked out the soul like eating a watermelon from the inside out.

The only reason I stay with my “boyfriend” is for the cash since it’s easier to spread my legs and take off my clothes to make a fortune rather than actually having to work for the same amount of money on my own.

My question is should I leave my “boyfriend” since he disgusts me so much or should I find a new, younger, and possibly even richer boy friend who I might actually enjoy having sex with every night?

— Gold Digging Whore

Dear Gold Digging Whore, I’d kill your disgusting “boyfriend” because if you kill him and get him out of your life, you could probably wind up with a fat inheritance and you would no longer have to lower yourself to having sex with a man whose private parts have been mummified for so long that they should be on display at the Egyptian national museum.

The next time your “boyfriend” asks you over, make sure you stay out of any sound-proof rooms and then if he’s holding any object such as a baseball bat, pry it out of his shriveled hands first and beat him senseless. Make sure the first blow totally takes him out because you want to get the killing over with as soon as possible.

The joy of killing sometimes is less in the pleasure of action and more in the speed of disposal. Knowing that his body is forever out of your life can be far more enjoyable than relishing the pain you inflict on him in the process of killing him. So feel free to kill him as quickly as possible and make it look like an accident by crying over his dead body when the police arrive.

Of course, make sure you peek at his will beforehand to make sure your name appears in the most prominent places. (You may need the advice of a lawyer.) As long as your “boyfriend” is dead, you’ll be able to truly live the life you’ve always dreamed about without the encumbrances of someone who simply disgusts you while paying all of your bills and providing you with a luxurious life you could never earn on your own. Good luck!

The Strange History of Paris Hilton

“Every woman should have four pets in her life. A mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage, a tiger in her bed, and a jackass who pays for everything.”

— Paris Hilton

What would you do if you were born into a billion dollar inheritance, had access to anyone and any place on the planet, and never had to develop any skills to get an education? If you said, “I’d devote my time and vast financial resources into improving the world by _____________” (insert your favorite charity/cause/foundation here), smack yourself in the head for being out of touch with the real world.

The correct answer, of course, is that you would party every night, buy yourself a lot of useless, luxury items to make up for your lack of self-worth, and ignore the major problems of the world as being “too boring” for the handful of brain cells in your head to worry about.

Why are people in the Middle East risking their lives to rebel against their oppressive governments to embrace democracy? Who cares? Let’s dance!

That, in a nutshell, is the story of Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton was born into the vast Hilton hotel empire founded by Conrad Hilton, who would later marry an equally vapid celebrity known as Zsa Zsa Gabor. From his first marriage, Conrad Hilton had a son who later married and beat the crap out of Elizabeth Taylor, thereby proving that rich people are really just poor people living in better trailer parks.

Born as a Roman Catholic, Paris still attends Mass, despite the Vatican declaring her the Anti-Christ and hiding small children from her presence. Due to her reputation, Paris admits she does find it challenging to attend church regularly, especially when the congregation giggles and looks in her direction every time the priest mentions any Commandment involving the word “adultery.”

Having the Bible burst into flames upon her touch also proves a discouraging sign for Paris as she tries to remain faithful to the teachings of her Catholic upbringing that somehow still manages to allow getting laid every weekend by a stranger she met in a nightclub.

Through no talent, gumption, or display of initiative of her own, Paris Hilton began a modeling career. She started by standing in department store windows with an empty look on his face while wearing the latest fashions.

Department store managers quickly realized that she wasn’t a mannequin and hired her as a model instead. Paris’s short department store modeling career came to an end when store managers suggested Paris would be more tolerable in public if someone cut off her head so she would look like the other dummies in the window. Paris opted to just act as brainless as a mannequin instead, and that decision has served her well throughout her long and totally undeserved career.

At the age of 19, Paris signed with Donald Trump’s modeling agency, which doubled as a dating service to help find attractive women willing to sleep with Donald Trump without laughing at his hair piece. Paris stated that she loved the idea of modeling because you could get paid a lot of money for doing nothing but standing or walking around. Donald Trump said he loved the idea of Paris Hilton in his modeling agency right up until the time she opened her mouth and tried to sound intelligent.

Soon Paris found herself appearing in numerous advertising campaigns for Iceberg Vodka, GUESS, Tommy Hilfiger, Christian Dior, Marciano, and the crack dealer on 5th and Broadway. In 2001, Hilton began to develop a reputation as a socialite, which meant at least twenty-five men in New York’s upper society had to verify they had sex with her within a one week time period.

People started referring to Paris as “New York’s leading It Girl,” which sounded a lot better than the other phrases people called Paris, which began with the letter “C” and rhymed with the word “bunt.”

Soon Paris’s fame began to “extend beyond the New York tabloids” that people often bought as inexpensive material for wrapping fish or lining the bottoms of their pet bird cages. Despite not being able to identify the city in France that she was named after, Paris began appearing in several magazines including Elle, the April 2004 issue of Maxim, the October 2005 cover of Stuff, and the December 2006 issue of Why is This Person Considered Important Enough for Anyone to Even Care About?

Soon Paris began making cameo appearances in films such as Zoolander (2001) although she reportedly turned down the leading role in several snuff films, despite the repeated urgings of these underground directors who claimed that she was “perfect for the part” and was the only one who could really “give the audience what they wanted to see.”

In 2002, she played one of the leads in the straight-to-video horror movie Nine Lives. The film did well in sales because people often have way too much money and so little brainpower to help them spend it wisely. Beyondhollywood.com felt that “Hilton’s presence in the cast is the film’s main marketing point,” which made all the other actors in the film give up their acting careers when they realized their talent couldn’t surpass even the feeble ramblings of someone as useless as Paris Hilton.

Despite what limited fame she had through modeling, magazines, and movies, Paris still felt destined for fame just because she was born in a rich family that wasn’t used to being denied anything that money couldn’t buy including judges, politicians, and world leaders.

In 2003, Paris appeared in a sex tape called “One Night in Paris.” Film critics applauded her work by saying, “By keeping her mouth shut and taking off her clothes, Paris has given people what they really want and expect from her.”

Although Paris claimed that the sex tape was leaked without her permission, she did receive a sum of money from sales of the tape. Despite faking orgasms and showing her butt to the camera, Paris narrowly missed out on being nominated for Best Supporting Actress in the Academy Awards for that year.

Shortly after the release of her “One Night in Paris” sex tape, Paris debuted her reality TV show, “The Simple Life,” on FOX. Critics claim that her leaked sex tape was just a crass ploy to gain publicity to help promote her reality TV show. Paris responded to these accusations by saying, “Yeah, but it worked, didn’t it?”

Ratings for her reality TV show skyrocketed. Instead of being known as the vapid, empty-headed little socialite who appeared in a sex tape, the world started to recognize her as that vapid, empty-headed little socialite who appeared in a reality TV show.

At just 22 years old or four years beyond the legal age when most middle-aged directors and producers in Hollywood would no longer get in trouble for statutory rape, Paris Hilton had finally gained the fame she coveted, which is a word that Paris could never find in a dictionary because she didn’t know where entries beginning with the letter “C” might be found.

Soon Paris became a frequent fixture on the Hollywood club scene. When walking past her, people would often hang their coats on her head, not realizing that an actual coat rack is a fixture that has more intelligence than she does.

More importantly, Paris parlayed her newfound fame and the media’s growing fascination with celebrities to expand her persona and image into a brand. She worked tirelessly to turn her brand into one that could be just as powerful and memorable as DDT, Thalidomide, and Agent Orange.

By allowing herself to be photographed and video taped everywhere she went, she became a walking endorsement for her brand and gave hope to  people everywhere that if Paris could succeed in America, there could be no stopping someone from another country who had half the brain of a centipede.

Though she hired a publicist to get her in the pages of all the prominent newspapers such as The New York Times, Time Magazine, and The Weekly World News, Paris never really talked about herself because that was one of many topics that she knew nothing about.

Instead, she talked about other people. She would mention the designers of her clothes, the name of her favorite nightclub, and who made the sweater for her dog all without any guarantee of any return. She just threw out free publicity.

Fashion designers and nightclub owners soon realized that Paris Hilton was a walking billboard. So they embraced her. She paid attention to them, they paid attention to her, and her endorsements brought them more stupid people to ring up their cash registers every week. The art of convincing stupid people to part with their hard-earned money is what is known in academic circles as “celebrity-based marketing.”

The genius of Paris Hilton (which is probably the only time you’ll ever see the words “genius” and “Paris Hilton” in the same sentence) occurred when Paris realized that if she were famous, then the paparazzi would follow her everywhere she went. Now if she endorsed products and businesses, the paparazzi would dutifully report her inane recommendations across the globe.

For Paris, the paparazzi became her version of Twitter except she could use more than 140 characters to deliver her message. In 2004, Paris launched her lifestyle brand. Instead of focusing on birth control methods and antibiotics for eliminating herpes, Paris’s lifestyle brand actually focused on her more public lifestyle involving fashion for looking elegant while still being a slut on the inside.

Paris designed a collection of purses for the Japanese label Samantha Thavasa, proving once and for all that the stereotype isn’t true that all Asians are intelligent. Next, Paris designed a 10-piece jewelry line. “I grew up surrounded by the finest fashion and jewelry designs,” Paris said. “So I wanted to sell a line of cheap jewelry that would make everyone realize what I can afford and what they’re never going to get for the rest of their lives.”

Paris added, “This jewelry is for the heiress in everyone who’s fortunate to have a relative who did all the hard work before you were born so you don’t have to work a day in your life.”

Next, Paris created a perfume line by Parlux Fragrances. Originally set to be a small release to coincide with the size of Paris’s IQ, high demand led to a wider release before December 2004. The launch generated a 47% increase in sales of Parlux products, predominantly due to sales of the Hilton-branded perfume.

After the success of Hilton’s perfume, Parlux Fragrances released several more perfumes with Paris’s name including fragrances for men such as “This is the smell of the slut you slept with last night,” “You’ll need penicillin to get rid of that,” and “Do you really want your kids to have a mother like me?”

In 2006, she released her self-titled debut album, Paris. The album reached number six on the Billboard 200 for a week, sold over 600,000 copies worldwide, and released a single, “Stars Are Blind,” that actually became a massive success around the globe. Paris would later go on to market blank audiocassette tapes and blank CDs under the title “Paris Hilton Sings Her Greatest Hits.”

Paris Hilton exploited her fame and the paparazzi’s love affair with her fame to promote herself into a global empire that rivals only Kim Jong-il’s reign of terror in North Korea for complete and utter irrelevancy on the planet. While the magnification of her activities allowed the paparazzi to promote her as a celebrity, it could also highlight and magnify her downfall as well.

In September 2006, Paris was arrested and charged with driving under the influence with a blood alcohol content of 0.08%, which later proved to be one of the winning lottery numbers the following week. The courts suspended Paris’s driving license in a futile attempt to keep her from appearing anywhere in public. When that failed, they convinced her to plead no contest to a reckless driving charge.

Prosecutors reportedly also tried to get Paris to confess to selling nuclear missile secrets to the Russians, providing Lance Armstrong with blood doping materials, and kidnapping the Lindbergh baby, but they settled for giving her 36 months’ probation and fines of about $1,500, which they easily found just by raiding the coins she kept in her change purse.

In February 2007, police caught Paris driving 70 mph in a 35 mph zone, again with a suspended license. She also did not have her headlights on even though it was after dark because, as Paris later claimed, “My headlights were just as bright as I am.” As part of her probation, the courts ordered Paris to enroll in an alcohol education program, which she refused to attend because in her words, “They didn’t have a cover charge or a two-drink minimum.”

On May 4, 2007, Judge Michael T. Sauer sentenced Paris to 45 days in jail for violating her probation. That same day, Judge Judy ordered the bailiff to “slap the shit out of Paris Hilton just to get her off my goddamn TV!” Paris tried to appeal the sentence and even went so far as to ask then California governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, for a pardon. Arnold refused because he said he was too busy fathering a child with his housekeeper.

Paris began her jail term on June 5, 2007 by checking herself into the Century Regional Detention Facility, an all-female jail in Lynwood, California. Naturally, the paparazzi recorded every image, hoping to capture an obligatory prison shower scene in imitation of every bad porno movie ever made.

Initially, Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca reassigned Hilton to 40 days of home confinement with an electronic monitoring device due to an unspecified medical condition. Then doctors informed him that being stupid didn’t qualify as a medical condition.

After being released from jail, Paris thought she was free to go home. That’s when Judge Michael Sauer summoned her to reappear in court and sent her back to jail to serve out her original 45-day sentence. Upon hearing the sentence, Hilton shouted, “It’s not right!” and started screaming, which the paparazzi dutifully recorded to show everybody how upset celebrities can get when they can’t use their fortune to circumvent justice like any law-abiding billionaire banking executive could do.

While in jail, Paris met clergyman minister Marty Angelo, who taught her that ordinary people actually don’t recognize Gucci as a disciple mentioned in the Bible. Jail also introduced Paris to several hard-core dykes who demanded that she become a vegetarian by learning to “toss their salad.” Afterwards, Paris referred to a “new beginning” in her life where she hoped to live like any ordinary person who just happened to be worth millions of dollars and could reveal her wish to be normal during an interview with talk show host Larry King.

Shortly afterwards, Paris’s grandfather, Barron Hilton, pledged 97% of his estate (the Hilton family fortune) to a charitable organization founded by their great-grandfather, Conrad N. Hilton. Barron later claimed that he pledged to give away most of the family fortune because “all of my useless grandchildren are too goddamn stupid to deserve any of it.”

On July 2, 2010, authorities accused Paris of smoking marijuana at the 2010 FIFA World Cup game between Brazil and the Netherlands. Local police escorted her from the Nelson Mandela Bay Stadium, but not before copping a feel or two of her breasts to see if they were real or not.

Paris’s publicist, Dawn Miller, stated “I can confirm that the incident was a complete misunderstanding and it was actually another person in the group who did it.”

That other person, who took the fall for Paris, still remains in a Brazilian prison, being beaten up daily and forced to perform unnatural sex acts on an imprisoned drug lord in return for being let to live another day. In the meantime, Paris trotted happily away, showing that money really can buy justice even overseas where the dollar might be weaker compared to local currencies.

Two weeks later, police detained Paris after catching her in possession of cannabis at Figari airport, Corsica. Police again arrested in her Las Vegas under suspicion of possessing cocaine. Initially, Paris claimed that the handbag, containing 0.8g of cocaine, was not hers because “the purse in question wasn’t up to my high fashion standards.” Under questioning, Paris admitted that although the purse wasn’t up to her standards, the cocaine was, and she offered some to the cops to see if they would agree.

On September 21, 2010, while travelling to a press conference in Tokyo to promote her fashion and fragrance lines, Paris got stopped by immigration officers at Narita Airport. Under Japan’s strict anti-drug laws, all people sentenced for any drug crime are denied entry, although immigration officials really just wanted to find an excuse to keep Paris from entering Japan and corrupting Japanese youth by her mere presence.

Besides refusing to grant Paris entry into the country, Japanese officials went so far as to offer United States authorities a deal. The Japanese offered to execute Paris Hilton and make it look like an accident if the American government would just stop harping about “that Pearl Harbor thing” every December 7.

During 2009, entertainment writers surmised that Paris’s popularity had plummeted due to her frequent run-ins with the law and her miraculous ability to escape punishment for any of it, just by being rich. In response to claims of her preferential treatment, Paris said, “Well, duh. That’s what money’s for.”

The suspicion of her fading star power came back in June 2011, when her reality show, The World According to Paris failed to get high ratings. When asked if her moment of fame had passed, Paris walked out of an interview with Good Morning America, and promptly ran into a wall.

According to a 2011 poll conducted by Ipsos, 60% of the responders voted Paris Hilton as the most unpopular celebrity in America right above O.J. Simpson, Michael Vick, and Wily E. Coyote. Even Taliban fighters in Afghanistan have been known to put down their arms and ask American soldiers to just go back home and shoot Paris Hilton instead.

Paris Hilton reportedly earns $10 million a year in sales of her various products that suckers and people with advanced cases of dementia still purchase on a regular basis. Experts estimate her net worth to be over $100 million. They also believe if her body were crushed beneath sandstone for millions of years and turned into oil, her net worth might increase by a few more dollars per gallon.

Despite her massive wealth, her fading fame, and her incredible luck in being an egg in the right place when a sperm cell happened to show up, Paris learned that her continual legal woes, jail time, and overall behavior as one of the top ten people in the world that even Amish grandmothers would like to punch in the mouth, has all contributed to damaging her image.

Even if she paid everyone a million dollars to like her on Facebook, she still would be despised the world over. The paparazzi helped build Paris Hilton up, but her idiotic behavior helped to bring her down. The same paparazzi cameras that helped turn her into a celebrity also documented her long fall from grace that made even the dark Lord Satan’s fall from heaven seem like a mere tumble off a log. The camera never lies and the paparazzi held no favors as she fell.

While Paris struggles to remake herself with increasing diminishing returns, a protégé and former friend of Paris Hilton studied her methods, befriended the paparazzi, and managed to surpass her in worldwide popularity. The name of this new star, who has just as little talent as Paris Hilton, turned out to be a long-time friend named Kim Kardashian, who would forever leave Paris Hilton in the shadow of her own growing fame.

Where will Paris Hilton wind up next? Who cares? We should all just rejoice that she’s finally out of the news media every day just like reports of human rights abuses that American news media outlets feel the general public doesn’t want to know about if they could be easily distracted by the latest sporting and entertainment events instead.

What To Do About the Detroit Bankruptcy

(Originally published in The Detroit News on November 1, 2013)

On July 18, 2013, Detroit became the largest American city to declare bankruptcy, although the city continued receiving pre-approved credit card offers that promised to consolidate debt with an interest free transfer of all unpaid balances.

In the same year that Detroit declared bankruptcy, the United States government had spent an estimated $1.4 trillion dollars over the past decade to fund the ongoing war in Afghanistan and Iraq. So that got me thinking. For the cost of $1.4 trillion dollars, the United States has little to show for rebuilding war-torn regions like Baghdad and Kabul. Most Iraqi and Afghanistan buildings have been bombed and burned out so often that they resemble the Packard Automotive plant on a good day.

So to save the Federal government money and help Detroit at the same time, I propose that Detroit declare war on the United States.

Now before you shoot down this idea as impractical, think about the benefits. Instead of spending American taxpayer money to rebuild Third World countries that hate us, we could spend American taxpayer money right here in the United States on American-born citizens who hate us. What a concept!

Even better, $1.4 trillion dollars would go a long way towards fixing all those potholes on the Lodge freeway, which often looks like it’s been hit by multiple mortar shells, just like most roads in Iraq and Afghanistan.

All Detroit has to do is declare war on the United States, order all of their troops to run away, and wait for the American military to march proudly down the streets to announce Mission Accomplished!

With hostilities officially ended between Detroit and the United States, Detroit would then be eligible to receive rebuilding funds given through no-bid contracts to major government contractors like Haliberton and Blackwater.

Naturally, a large percentage of those rebuilding funds would mysteriously disappear into the pockets of government officials not named Kwame Kilpatrick, but at least that money would still be helping corrupt American city officials instead of lining the pockets of corrupt foreign government officials.

The real benefit would come when government contractors and private security forces tried to deal with the rampant crime rate throughout the city. If Blackwater security officials thought creating safe zones in the middle of Baghdad seemed impossible, think what a challenge it would be for private security guards to subdue Eight Mile on a Friday night at the beginning of a three-day weekend.

For years afterwards, military personal could swap their favorite war stories about the days they served in Detroit, trying to rebuild the city amidst government corruption, rampant violence, and a total break down of law and order. And then they could talk about their days after Detroit declared war on the United States as well.

When Governor Rick Snyder claimed that bankruptcy was the only choice to save Detroit, he obviously wasn’t thinking outside of the box. There’s another option besides bankruptcy, and a far less expensive one too.

Declaring war against the United States would benefit Detroit enormously due to the massive amounts of funding the American government always pours into rebuilding their defeated enemies. If the success of Japan is any indication, Detroit could one day emerge from a lost war with the United States and become an economic powerhouse once more.Like Japan, maybe Detroit could even start making better cars that people around the world would actually want to buy too.

Yes, the future for Detroit doesn’t need to focus on the gloom and humiliation of being the largest American city to declare bankruptcy or having the only NFL football team to go 0-16 in a season.

Despite Governor Rick Snyder’s claim, there are other choices to save Detroit and declaring war on the United States definitely looks like the best proposal everyone should consider.

Who knows? If Detroit loses a war with the United States and manages to re-emerge economically stronger than before, maybe there will still be chance that we can save Cleveland.

 

The Case for Racial Profiling

On November 1, 2013, a gunman brought a rifle and a hundred rounds of ammunition to Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) and started shooting. While this senseless act ended in tragedy for one TSA agent, the moment CNN showed a picture of the perpetrator on TV, it confirmed what I had known all along. The suspect was a non-African-American.

Think about it. The LAX shooter was a non-African-American, the nutcase who shot up that movie theater in Colorado was a non-African-American, the Boston Marathon bombers were both non-African-Americans, even all the villains who fight against Batman are all non-African-Americans. Coincidence? I think not.

If you just look at who commits the majority of the most heinous crimes in this country, a large percentage of them are always non-African-Americans. It’s not just serious crime in the United States where non-African-Americans dominate, but also international crimes against humanity as well.

What do Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Mao, Pol Pot, Kim Jon Un, and Donald Trump have in common? Besides being dictators who terrorized others with their verbal bullying, they’re all non-African-Americans.

With so many known criminals throughout history clearly identified as non-African-American, it’s time we justify racial profiling as a legitimate form of crime prevention by discriminating solely against all non-African-Americans.

You can’t trust non-African-Americans because if they’re not robbing you through misleading mortgage loan documentation at Bank of America and J.P. Morgan, or stripping you of your life savings through questionable investment advice from companies like Bear Stearns, their very presence is enough to drive down property values and make you feel physically unsafe wherever they go.

The other day a non-African-American even had the gall to stroll leisurely on to my property and approach my front door. By invoking the clearly stated wording of those Stand Your Ground Laws, I shot the threatening non-African-American with my Taser.

Of course, it turned out he was just the UPS man trying to deliver another pack of rechargeable batteries for my stun guns, but I stood my ground and when he dared to continue walking towards me, I let him have it with 50,000 volts of electricity.

I even noticed that another non-African-American kept driving by my house in a suspicious manner, stopping at every house in my neighborhood as if casing his next target. So to protect myself, I loaded a shotgun with rock salt and let him have both barrels the next time I saw him drive by. I didn’t get his license plate, but he hasn’t been back since. Strangely enough, I haven’t received any mail this past week either, but that’s probably because the mailman must be afraid of driving through any neighborhood filled with so many non-African-Americans who might shoot at him at any moment.

You know those non-African-Americans just love to shoot and kill each other, and then sing sickening songs glorifying their violence towards their fellow non-African-Americans with titles like “Over There,” “It’s a Long Way to Tipperary,” and “Pack Up Your Troubles in Your Old Kit Bag.”

With the long historical evidence clearly showing how non-African-Americans behave towards so many innocent people, only a brainless idiot would think that racial profiling against non-African-Americans wouldn’t bring down the crime rate dramatically. If we simply deported every non-African-American from the country, we could return this great land of ours back to its original, pristine condition when Triceratops and Brontosauruses could freely roam through amber waves of grain from sea to shining sea without the threat of being accosted by non-African-Americans trying to turn them into another one of their baby mamas.

In fact, if scientists ever discover the reason why the dinosaurs disappeared, I’d bet that the culprit will be another non-African-American. If that doesn’t justify the case for racial profiling, then I don’t know what will.

Why the NFL is a Non-Profit Organization

On October 31, 2013, the Seattle Times asked if people thought that the NFL, which rakes in billions of dollars every year from taxpayer-funded city stadiums that earn them a fortune in television broadcasting rights, should still be a non-profit organization. Well over 96 percent of the people said that the NFL should be stripped of its non-profit status, so you know what that means. When the majority of the people want something that goes against government and big business self-interests, the minority who profit from government inaction always wins. That’s what democracy is all about.

When you think about it, why should the NFL lose its non-profit status? After all, they don’t spend their own money building multimillion dollar stadiums. The taxpayers fund those stadiums to help their poor football teams who can barely afford to pay their coaches multi-million dollar salaries while ignoring critical city infrastructure like maintaining roads, bridges, water systems, electricity grids along with providing police and fire protection.

What’s more important? Watching a bunch of multi-millionaires playing football, or having your taxes actually going to making your city a better place to live? I rest my case.

Why do people expect billionaire football team owners to spend their own money building lavish new football stadiums when the taxpayers can be forced to fund the cost instead? If the taxpayers don’t want their tax money to flow directly into the pockets of billionaires who make more in one football game from TV broadcasting rights than most people earn in a lifetime, then they should stop watching football and start watching that other silly game called football where people try to kick a black and white ball into a net the size of Ethiopia, and still fail to score many points. The choice is yours.

Forcing taxpayers to pay the expenses of building and maintaining a football stadium for private interests to profit from is just common sense. They say that adversity develops character, so what better way to create character in the common people than to tax them heavily to build stadiums, and then charge them outrageous amounts to get into the very same stadium that their taxpayer money helped build in the first place?

Nothing can bring a family together faster than attending a single football game that has no relevance to the playoff picture. When your average family has to save up all year so they can blow a few hundred dollars in one day on tickets to bad seats, hot dogs filled with questionable meat, drinks watered down with substances you actually hope was made from clean water, and football jersey souvenirs with the names of their favorite player who has yet to get arrested for illegal drug use or murder, those are the types of memories that people can treasure forever.

Even better, they can relive those cheerful memories when bill collectors call every week, reminding them that the money they spent on going to a football game meant that they neglected to pay their other bills for food, rent, and clothing. You can bet those billionaire football team owners, sitting in the comfort of luxury skyboxes that they never paid for, can never get to reminisce with their families about character-building experiences like that.

As long as the NFL continues earning billions on the backs of taxpayer-subsidized public facilities that are closed to the actual public unless they pay extra to get in, why shouldn’t the NFL maintain their non-profit status? Government has no place in regulating the activities of big business, especially if those activities run counter to the ability to generate massive profits while someone else gets stuck paying all the major expenses.

In fact, the Federal government should apply for non-profit status themselves. That way we can all cheer when our favorite Congressman taxes us some more while pocketing taxpayer money for their own self-interests. Come to think of it, maybe the government is a non-profit organization already.

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